Tuesday, March 24, 2015
Monday, February 2, 2015
Hockey #6
20150202 2130
Monday night.
National squad training.
But wait, no. A clash. It's basketball night, a friendly with Swire hall. Tipoff at 7pm.
Basketball season has just begun, and out first interhall match of the year is on Thursday up against Hysan.
Under any other circumstances I would make way for all basketball (without clashing with Choir, of course)... but now, with squad training ... I don't know how to prioritise again.
Coach Arif held a squad team meeting last Friday, where he talked about immediate goals (now), short term (1-2 years), middle term (3-5 years), and long term goals (6-9 years). Most of all, he talked about commitment. And passion.
I don't know whether I should take him literally, but in his own words, he said, he didn't mind if we arrived late to training, be it 7.30pm (start time), 8pm, 9pm, even 9.30pm for footwork drills with the mini hurdles and ladders and stuff.
So, being the smartass I am with excellent time management that I most certainly possess ... I thought, basketball friendly will start and end on time for sure.
Bzzt. Wrong again.
Start time 7pm?
Nah. More like 7.30pm.
End time 8pm?
Nah. Ended at 8.45pm.
So King's Park in Jordan? I guess just under an hour. But with waiting time, walking time, delay time, this and that ... no way was I gonna reach there before 10pm closing time. How shameful.
I feel so guilty now. I know today I let down so many people.
In the morning, pantry was in absolute chaos, 4th world war. And I didn't do a single scrap of tidying before leaving for class.
Was late for my 0830 lecture, and elected to hop off down the lateral aisle on the far side, whereby distracting classmates. Got told off by the professor as a whole class at the end of the lecture. Oops.
Made my 10am appointment at the Chest Clinic in Sai Ying Pun, to check out my tuberculin skin test results. All fine, felt a bit hostile today, and the doctor only saw me for a grand total of 30 seconds, just to say, "you're perfectly fine, no TB, skin test induration is less than 10mm, we'll get your report done within 10 working days, now off you go". Ended up leaving at 11.45am... hmm ...
So was mega late for public health tutorial which was supposed to run from 1030 to 1230. By the time I arrived our tutor Dr Tian was already in the final stages of summarising and going around the table for feedback. Oops again.
Lunch was great, we had K-BBQ.
Afternoon tutorial was fine with a hilarious obstetrician & gynecologist, Dr Aaron Kwok Chi Wai.
Then came nightfall.
First of all, I missed Derek baba's handball interhall match, which I did not even know he was still playing in. Turns out they lost to Swire hall by 1 point and it was devastating for the team.
Then, I had to miss out on most of Jenga's female softball interhall match, due to our basketball friendly. Half the team were my floormates - van, cm, amiee, yw (teamcap), and old ghost Rita too. So it was heartwrenching to see them shine on the softball pitch for just a few minutes before having to pop next door to the basketball court.
Basketball friendly was uneventful. Felt like I let down my Coach Fung Gor, teammates, and myself, as I missed many steals and many fastbreak layups. Ugh. So pissed off at myself!!!
Then as I was thinking about heading off to hockey training at King's Park ... I realised time was way overdue. It was 2045 by the time I lined up for the minibus, which was filled with other hall people having just finished some hockey or lacrosse training at P2. I decided to give up that night's hockey training.
And when I returned to hall, I had to face the dreaded message to the national squad Manager (actually not even sure if she's manager, she's in charge of international liaison and seeing who stays on the squad and who's not fit to carry on) ... anyway, Miranda, I played in our club Shaheen B's league matches with her a couple times, she's fantastic, a striker, former national squad starter, and highly experienced and decorated.
She was perfectly nice, but I could tell I let her and the squad down.
I feel terrible. How can I not?
I hate disappointing people, most of all myself.
How can I get over myself!!! How!!!!!
Monday night.
National squad training.
But wait, no. A clash. It's basketball night, a friendly with Swire hall. Tipoff at 7pm.
Basketball season has just begun, and out first interhall match of the year is on Thursday up against Hysan.
Under any other circumstances I would make way for all basketball (without clashing with Choir, of course)... but now, with squad training ... I don't know how to prioritise again.
Coach Arif held a squad team meeting last Friday, where he talked about immediate goals (now), short term (1-2 years), middle term (3-5 years), and long term goals (6-9 years). Most of all, he talked about commitment. And passion.
I don't know whether I should take him literally, but in his own words, he said, he didn't mind if we arrived late to training, be it 7.30pm (start time), 8pm, 9pm, even 9.30pm for footwork drills with the mini hurdles and ladders and stuff.
So, being the smartass I am with excellent time management that I most certainly possess ... I thought, basketball friendly will start and end on time for sure.
Bzzt. Wrong again.
Start time 7pm?
Nah. More like 7.30pm.
End time 8pm?
Nah. Ended at 8.45pm.
So King's Park in Jordan? I guess just under an hour. But with waiting time, walking time, delay time, this and that ... no way was I gonna reach there before 10pm closing time. How shameful.
I feel so guilty now. I know today I let down so many people.
In the morning, pantry was in absolute chaos, 4th world war. And I didn't do a single scrap of tidying before leaving for class.
Was late for my 0830 lecture, and elected to hop off down the lateral aisle on the far side, whereby distracting classmates. Got told off by the professor as a whole class at the end of the lecture. Oops.
Made my 10am appointment at the Chest Clinic in Sai Ying Pun, to check out my tuberculin skin test results. All fine, felt a bit hostile today, and the doctor only saw me for a grand total of 30 seconds, just to say, "you're perfectly fine, no TB, skin test induration is less than 10mm, we'll get your report done within 10 working days, now off you go". Ended up leaving at 11.45am... hmm ...
So was mega late for public health tutorial which was supposed to run from 1030 to 1230. By the time I arrived our tutor Dr Tian was already in the final stages of summarising and going around the table for feedback. Oops again.
Lunch was great, we had K-BBQ.
Afternoon tutorial was fine with a hilarious obstetrician & gynecologist, Dr Aaron Kwok Chi Wai.
Then came nightfall.
First of all, I missed Derek baba's handball interhall match, which I did not even know he was still playing in. Turns out they lost to Swire hall by 1 point and it was devastating for the team.
Then, I had to miss out on most of Jenga's female softball interhall match, due to our basketball friendly. Half the team were my floormates - van, cm, amiee, yw (teamcap), and old ghost Rita too. So it was heartwrenching to see them shine on the softball pitch for just a few minutes before having to pop next door to the basketball court.
Basketball friendly was uneventful. Felt like I let down my Coach Fung Gor, teammates, and myself, as I missed many steals and many fastbreak layups. Ugh. So pissed off at myself!!!
Then as I was thinking about heading off to hockey training at King's Park ... I realised time was way overdue. It was 2045 by the time I lined up for the minibus, which was filled with other hall people having just finished some hockey or lacrosse training at P2. I decided to give up that night's hockey training.
And when I returned to hall, I had to face the dreaded message to the national squad Manager (actually not even sure if she's manager, she's in charge of international liaison and seeing who stays on the squad and who's not fit to carry on) ... anyway, Miranda, I played in our club Shaheen B's league matches with her a couple times, she's fantastic, a striker, former national squad starter, and highly experienced and decorated.
She was perfectly nice, but I could tell I let her and the squad down.
I feel terrible. How can I not?
I hate disappointing people, most of all myself.
How can I get over myself!!! How!!!!!
Friday, January 23, 2015
Hockey #5
20150123 2600
National squad training tonight.
I bailed on Monday training, partly due to fear, partly due to period pain. The period pain was probably exacerbated by the fear.
I bailed again on Thursday training, due to basketball and choir. Again and again I need to remind myself of my promise - I will never let anything compromise my music. It's true, I place music on top of sports, and especially choir.
So Friday training was my first and only training this week... I knew that the others might hate me for it, I suppose they all did some fitness training on Monday or Thursday, and that by Friday Coach (Arif) would already realise the squad was drained and would not make us run again.
My guess was correct.
Yet I was still struggling to keep up and very much out of breath by the last training drill towards the end of training.
I have a long long looooong way to go.
But I was quite glad I went today.
Albeit being late by 20 mins due to having a rest after Paedi bedside teaching, then catching the 970 late (no 970x...) and traffic in Austin & Jordan.
It was much happier today, only one thought on my mind: if Coach has no problem with your poor commitment, then I will go for training's sake. Just here to stick to the shadows and learn from the Greats and stay humble. Don't offend anyone or get in anyone's way and you'll be fine.
And with that, one simple thought, no fear, no worries, no burden... it all became easy. Just be yourself. Just play hockey. Just do it. What you do best. It's what made the training so much more bearable and enjoyable and fresh. You come to training, you only got one goal and only one thing should be in your mind: to get better. This is what young Logan taught me, from Masterchef Junior Season 2. To get better. Good, better, best - never let it rest.
Just work it. Sweat, and determination, and willpower, and a fighting spirit. To beat myself. To overcome my challenges every time I'm on the pitch.
Will play in Shaheen B's league match tomorrow evening against LHT A. Let's see what we can make out of it!
National squad training tonight.
I bailed on Monday training, partly due to fear, partly due to period pain. The period pain was probably exacerbated by the fear.
I bailed again on Thursday training, due to basketball and choir. Again and again I need to remind myself of my promise - I will never let anything compromise my music. It's true, I place music on top of sports, and especially choir.
So Friday training was my first and only training this week... I knew that the others might hate me for it, I suppose they all did some fitness training on Monday or Thursday, and that by Friday Coach (Arif) would already realise the squad was drained and would not make us run again.
My guess was correct.
Yet I was still struggling to keep up and very much out of breath by the last training drill towards the end of training.
I have a long long looooong way to go.
But I was quite glad I went today.
Albeit being late by 20 mins due to having a rest after Paedi bedside teaching, then catching the 970 late (no 970x...) and traffic in Austin & Jordan.
It was much happier today, only one thought on my mind: if Coach has no problem with your poor commitment, then I will go for training's sake. Just here to stick to the shadows and learn from the Greats and stay humble. Don't offend anyone or get in anyone's way and you'll be fine.
And with that, one simple thought, no fear, no worries, no burden... it all became easy. Just be yourself. Just play hockey. Just do it. What you do best. It's what made the training so much more bearable and enjoyable and fresh. You come to training, you only got one goal and only one thing should be in your mind: to get better. This is what young Logan taught me, from Masterchef Junior Season 2. To get better. Good, better, best - never let it rest.
Just work it. Sweat, and determination, and willpower, and a fighting spirit. To beat myself. To overcome my challenges every time I'm on the pitch.
Will play in Shaheen B's league match tomorrow evening against LHT A. Let's see what we can make out of it!
Tuesday, January 20, 2015
Monday, January 19, 2015
Hockey #4
20150119 2100
Manager just called. A short one, but agonising, uplifting, encouraging, killing, fiery.
I was very reluctant to pick up.
The night before, she released the namelist of the training squad. I counted maybe 25-30 names on there, the final squad to any competition should have 18 if I remember correctly. Not that that was on my mind anyway.
The moment I saw the email, with "congratulations" as the first line, my heart sank. This was not the conclusion, or the beginning, that I'd hoped for.
She said, in that fateful phone call, she understood that I had my other commitments, so did other players. After all, in Hong Kong, even at this level, no one plays profesionally, all of us have our own lives and work and school to attend to, so she can allow me to skip Thursdays. (i know you're gonna read this some day, and yes, I initially rejected the national squad due to thursday trainings clashing with choir !!! call me a fool or whatever but i really gotta sort my priorities straight). Even if I can't come on some Mondays and Fridays, she's perfectly okay with that. She said, the team of Coaches and Managers carefully handpicked the team members cos they really believe these girls got a lot of potential going on for them and they'd really love to try develop them, see what they can get out of us, so it would be a mega shame to let us go just like that.
Honestly, I don't believe I am much of a player to continue developing, as my future is straight - once I hit Year 5 I'm out, and beyond that there's just no more time for training or whatnot! How can I let hockey get in the way of my patients!
Or even now! How can I let hockey get in my way of creating wonderful music I promised myself to?
For God's sake, I'm a third year medical student, a music potato, and a player on multiple sports teams. Not an athlete! Not in any way.
I know what my dream was 12 years ago. Primary 4 Chinese essay, titled my dream, or dream career, or my future, whatever.
"To be a doctor, musician, and athlete."
Perhaps predominantly doctor full-time (check - full-time 24/6 0830-1730 medical student)
and part-time musician (err, half check - choral conductor on Tuesdays and Thursdays, youth orchestra cellist on Sundays)
and part-time athlete (no! team player only! semi-check - faculty soccer & basketball competitions during sem 1, hall basketball training weekly, hall hockey training weekly, club hockey training weekly, hockey league matches on Saturdays, and now national squad training TRIweekly - Monday Thursday AND Friday - of which I will skip Thursdays for choir.
I made a promise to myself, that I would never compromise any of my music for sports. Unless it was cos I was gonna fail medicine.
But now, hockey could be the reason I fail medicine.
But if I really had the heart, I would've rejected the Manager during that phone call.
That's me. Never able to say no to anyone. UGH. I'm sick of myself!!
I know I"ll never get a shot at overseas competitions with the national team. I'm far from that. Being on the training squad is already like finding a needle in a haystack for God's sake.
Why did I have to be "me"?
Why do all good things come to me?
Why does everything decide to crash on me NOW???
Why are there so many doors open for me, yet I choose to close one and look for another window??
I would really like to see inside of me. What am I made of?
Just elements. Water. Carbon. Oxygen. Hydrogen.
Just like everybody else.
Human.
So that's what you gotta be.
Just be human.
Just be yourself.
Just give it your all and more.
And take a break when it's really too much. (isn't that now ......??????)
omg.
Manager just called. A short one, but agonising, uplifting, encouraging, killing, fiery.
I was very reluctant to pick up.
The night before, she released the namelist of the training squad. I counted maybe 25-30 names on there, the final squad to any competition should have 18 if I remember correctly. Not that that was on my mind anyway.
The moment I saw the email, with "congratulations" as the first line, my heart sank. This was not the conclusion, or the beginning, that I'd hoped for.
She said, in that fateful phone call, she understood that I had my other commitments, so did other players. After all, in Hong Kong, even at this level, no one plays profesionally, all of us have our own lives and work and school to attend to, so she can allow me to skip Thursdays. (i know you're gonna read this some day, and yes, I initially rejected the national squad due to thursday trainings clashing with choir !!! call me a fool or whatever but i really gotta sort my priorities straight). Even if I can't come on some Mondays and Fridays, she's perfectly okay with that. She said, the team of Coaches and Managers carefully handpicked the team members cos they really believe these girls got a lot of potential going on for them and they'd really love to try develop them, see what they can get out of us, so it would be a mega shame to let us go just like that.
Honestly, I don't believe I am much of a player to continue developing, as my future is straight - once I hit Year 5 I'm out, and beyond that there's just no more time for training or whatnot! How can I let hockey get in the way of my patients!
Or even now! How can I let hockey get in my way of creating wonderful music I promised myself to?
For God's sake, I'm a third year medical student, a music potato, and a player on multiple sports teams. Not an athlete! Not in any way.
I know what my dream was 12 years ago. Primary 4 Chinese essay, titled my dream, or dream career, or my future, whatever.
"To be a doctor, musician, and athlete."
Perhaps predominantly doctor full-time (check - full-time 24/6 0830-1730 medical student)
and part-time musician (err, half check - choral conductor on Tuesdays and Thursdays, youth orchestra cellist on Sundays)
and part-time athlete (no! team player only! semi-check - faculty soccer & basketball competitions during sem 1, hall basketball training weekly, hall hockey training weekly, club hockey training weekly, hockey league matches on Saturdays, and now national squad training TRIweekly - Monday Thursday AND Friday - of which I will skip Thursdays for choir.
I made a promise to myself, that I would never compromise any of my music for sports. Unless it was cos I was gonna fail medicine.
But now, hockey could be the reason I fail medicine.
But if I really had the heart, I would've rejected the Manager during that phone call.
That's me. Never able to say no to anyone. UGH. I'm sick of myself!!
I know I"ll never get a shot at overseas competitions with the national team. I'm far from that. Being on the training squad is already like finding a needle in a haystack for God's sake.
Why did I have to be "me"?
Why do all good things come to me?
Why does everything decide to crash on me NOW???
Why are there so many doors open for me, yet I choose to close one and look for another window??
I would really like to see inside of me. What am I made of?
Just elements. Water. Carbon. Oxygen. Hydrogen.
Just like everybody else.
Human.
So that's what you gotta be.
Just be human.
Just be yourself.
Just give it your all and more.
And take a break when it's really too much. (isn't that now ......??????)
omg.
Sunday, January 18, 2015
Hockey #3
20140118 2600
Just sent a very heavy email to the national squad manager.
I am very fearful for her response.
But for now, sleep.
I won't give up music for hockey. No matter what. Not even for the national squad.
Just sent a very heavy email to the national squad manager.
I am very fearful for her response.
But for now, sleep.
I won't give up music for hockey. No matter what. Not even for the national squad.
Hockey #2
20150118 2400
我不知該怎樣說，不知該跟誰說，不知如何到達這個地步。
。。。
我被選入女hockey港隊senior training squad。
。。。
下？？？什麽？？？
咪玩啦。
對，自己也不敢相信，甚至不想被選。但是，training squad已經confirm了。剛剛三個小時前收到不該收的email 。。。
雖然不是正式出去外地打國際球賽的港隊 final squad，但是也要commit, 訓練要達到國際球賽的水平。不知應該想什麽，只知自己很亂很煩很不知所措。
我心想。。。害人害己。心底非常沉重，不敢面對這事實。
早前已post 。。。 整件事來的太突然，實在毫無心理準備，令人忐忑、不安、恐懼。
我不配。
只會拖累大家。
更何妨。。。我沒有時間。
不可能的。
明天要跟教練談談。
媽媽呀我很亂呀爲什麽會到達這個地步呀！！！！！
我不知該怎樣說，不知該跟誰說，不知如何到達這個地步。
。。。
我被選入女hockey港隊senior training squad。
。。。
下？？？什麽？？？
咪玩啦。
對，自己也不敢相信，甚至不想被選。但是，training squad已經confirm了。剛剛三個小時前收到不該收的email 。。。
雖然不是正式出去外地打國際球賽的港隊 final squad，但是也要commit, 訓練要達到國際球賽的水平。不知應該想什麽，只知自己很亂很煩很不知所措。
我心想。。。害人害己。心底非常沉重，不敢面對這事實。
早前已post 。。。 整件事來的太突然，實在毫無心理準備，令人忐忑、不安、恐懼。
我不配。
只會拖累大家。
更何妨。。。我沒有時間。
不可能的。
明天要跟教練談談。
媽媽呀我很亂呀爲什麽會到達這個地步呀！！！！！
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