Hockey #4

20150119 2100

Manager just called. A short one, but agonising, uplifting, encouraging, killing, fiery.

I was very reluctant to pick up.

The night before, she released the namelist of the training squad. I counted maybe 25-30 names on there, the final squad to any competition should have 18 if I remember correctly. Not that that was on my mind anyway.

The moment I saw the email, with "congratulations" as the first line, my heart sank. This was not the conclusion, or the beginning, that I'd hoped for.

She said, in that fateful phone call, she understood that I had my other commitments, so did other players. After all, in Hong Kong, even at this level, no one plays profesionally, all of us have our own lives and work and school to attend to, so she can allow me to skip Thursdays. (i know you're gonna read this some day, and yes, I initially rejected the national squad due to thursday trainings clashing with choir !!! call me a fool or whatever but i really gotta sort my priorities straight). Even if I can't come on some Mondays and Fridays, she's perfectly okay with that. She said, the team of Coaches and Managers carefully handpicked the team members cos they really believe these girls got a lot of potential going on for them and they'd really love to try develop them, see what they can get out of us, so it would be a mega shame to let us go just like that.

Honestly, I don't believe I am much of a player to continue developing, as my future is straight - once I hit Year 5 I'm out, and beyond that there's just no more time for training or whatnot! How can I let hockey get in the way of my patients!

Or even now! How can I let hockey get in my way of creating wonderful music I promised myself to?

For God's sake, I'm a third year medical student, a music potato, and a player on multiple sports teams. Not an athlete! Not in any way.

I know what my dream was 12 years ago. Primary 4 Chinese essay, titled my dream, or dream career, or my future, whatever.

"To be a doctor, musician, and athlete."
Perhaps predominantly doctor full-time (check - full-time 24/6 0830-1730 medical student)
and part-time musician (err, half check - choral conductor on Tuesdays and Thursdays, youth orchestra cellist on Sundays)
and part-time athlete (no! team player only! semi-check - faculty soccer & basketball competitions during sem 1, hall basketball training weekly, hall hockey training weekly, club hockey training weekly, hockey league matches on Saturdays, and now national squad training TRIweekly - Monday Thursday AND Friday - of which I will skip Thursdays for choir.

I made a promise to myself, that I would never compromise any of my music for sports. Unless it was cos I was gonna fail medicine.

But now, hockey could be the reason I fail medicine.

But if I really had the heart, I would've rejected the Manager during that phone call.

That's me. Never able to say no to anyone. UGH. I'm sick of myself!!

I know I"ll never get a shot at overseas competitions with the national team. I'm far from that. Being on the training squad is already like finding a needle in a haystack for God's sake.

Why did I have to be "me"?

Why do all good things come to me?

Why does everything decide to crash on me NOW???

Why are there so many doors open for me, yet I choose to close one and look for another window??

I would really like to see inside of me. What am I made of?

Just elements. Water. Carbon. Oxygen. Hydrogen.

Just like everybody else.

Human.

So that's what you gotta be.

Just be human.

Just be yourself.

Just give it your all and more.

And take a break when it's really too much. (isn't that now ......??????)

omg.