13.03.2013 Wednesday, 1800-1930
So now. To explore how my story ties in shockingly, in an almost perfect match to the lyrics of 愛情樹.
愛的種子埋在地底下
God's love is inherent in everyone, it is hidden deep in my heart
雨水滋潤陽光揮灑
God is forever nurturing us, He showers me with love and blesses me everyday
一點一點冒出新綠芽
He slowly reveals His perfect plans for me, plans to prosper me and not to harm me, plans to give me hope and a future
一吋一吋奮力向上爬
And I fight one step at a time, striving to climb up to reach Him and achieve peace
日復一日迎風長大
Day by day I look up at the skies and welcome the day as a new beginning
枝葉漸漸聚成傘一把
The day's experiences accumulate and make me wiser
黃昏遙望山邊彩霞
At dawn I look out across the skies and reminisce, learning and improving and growing stronger and wiser all the time
入夜探看星空眨呀眨
And as night draws in I lie down among the stars and breathe in and admire God's handiwork
不管野草茂密紛雜
No matter what troubles or obstacles Satan may throw at me
根苗抗壓努力向下紮
Cannot get in my way of reconnecting with my God, I will resist and reach out for the light
有時雲霧遮蔽靈魂之塔
But sometimes the clouds fog my vision and I am unable to see the truth, the tower of Babel
有時難免孤獨害怕
And sometimes it is inevitable to be lonely and afraid
唯有真情能夠穿透雲霧
Only the truth will set you free, to pierce through the clouds and to see the light
帶來天堂裡的無限祝福
And bring with it countless showers of blessings from Heaven
愛情樹的枝枒
Will God's love for me
終究開出一朵美麗的花
Sprout and blossom in my heart and fill my whole being!!!!!!!!!!
Wednesday, March 13, 2013
RC Choir 2012-13 Post #3
13.03.13 Wednesday, 1655-1800
Just had another epiphany.
Verse of the day, received daily by email.
Today's verse: 3 John 1:14 - "I have no greater joy than to hear that my children are walking in the truth".
I have no doubt that it's a blessing, hitting the message home.
... and for the message itself. now. FINALLY.
My relationship with God has been unsteady, rocky, and dangerously detached at times. It's had its ups and downs, the rollercoaster ride of its life but that rollercoaster is forever on an extensive course and doesn't seem like it's going to stop plummeting downhill then crawling back uphill anytime soon.
I was born in a loving Christian family. Both my parents committed to Christ when they were still students, and are faithful sheep of the Lord, serving Him in different ways. My mother used to dance on the Spiritual Dance team at Church, and my dad serves as some position on one or two primary schools' staff Church boards, under the Methodist Church. My sister and I were baptised as children, and had a Christian upbringing in a loving home environment.
As I grew and developed through primary school, then secondary school, and as a college freshman at the moment, I changed Churches a few times and tried to grasp my rhythm and place in the Church environment. But I could never find it. As it was a Chinese Christian church, they all spoke Cantonese fluently and conducted Biblical teachings and Sunday School small group teaching sessions in Cantonese, which frustrated me as I was much more comfortable with learning in English and reading the English bible. As a result I fell and deviated away from God many times. More often that not, I sought refuge in other methods - joining other Fellowships, hanging out with the other international schools kids at Church (though there were not many), and finding refuge in school work. And consequently, at school I constantly produced a high level of achievement that pleased my teachers, my community and my parents - but it was all neutral to me. Just as music is. I loved it, for sure, I was immensely devoted to it - yet there was no underlying meaning beneath the surface ripples that spelt 'love' and 'emotion'.
Many times I was pulled back to God - failures, falls, bumps. Failing a test for the first time. Coming last place in a competition for the first time. Failing an audition for the senior orchestra, and instead of improving my ranking in the cello section of the junior orchestra, dropping back a few seats and letting others who I thought were inferior to me, overtake me. Those were some blue moments that snapped me back into a human being, the realisation that I was not perfect and however perfectionist I tried to be, I would always be inferior to God. So then I learned respect. And love for my enemies and admiration for those greater than myself.
I prayed long and hard at night. I was not always fully devoted in my prayers though. I would pray in bed, knowing that I'd drop off to sleep at any moment, and sometimes wake up to find my hands still clasped in a praying position, having forgotten what I'd prayed for the night before.
And this past summer was my biggest challenge: becoming an adult and university decisions.
Medical school.
Which medical school.
Which country.
If I would ever get an offer.
The long wait.
I returned to Church after what seemed like two eternities of hiding at home under my books and my shield, my comfort, my cushion that was - I did well in school and no matter what else happened as long as I had my grades I was satisfied with life. How naive. There is so much more to life than just grades. This I only found out after I entered university, into one of the toughest degree programmes, mingling in with a class of 209 other kids who had around the same exam scores as I did, or its equivalents. Medical school, on a scale of 1-10, was 9000.
Out of this world. Insane. Bonkers.
And right now, I'm falling again. Even though I return home on the weekends, I'm too fatigued by the week's activities that more often than not I can't bring myself to wake up on Sunday mornings. Whether this is actually due to genuine fatigue, or unwillingness to face my fellow Church mates who I'm forever too shy to strike up a conversation with, or the guilt that I've fallen but the dignity that I would still like to retain my Christian identity - I don't know. It's a combination of all of these factors. Either way, I can say I have no regular Church life at the moment. Though I attend Hall Fellowship sessions, these don't seem to compensate for what I have been absent for already for so long. My heart cries and yearns for God, yet my mind takes no proactive action to fulfill my hopes and desires. I keep praying, yet my mind and my heart are so uncertain. What should I do... perhaps Choir will bring me back. And Choir has brought me this epiphany. But am I willing to change? Can I change? Will I change? The answer is yes. JUST DO IT. :(
Just had another epiphany.
Verse of the day, received daily by email.
Today's verse: 3 John 1:14 - "I have no greater joy than to hear that my children are walking in the truth".
I have no doubt that it's a blessing, hitting the message home.
... and for the message itself. now. FINALLY.
My relationship with God has been unsteady, rocky, and dangerously detached at times. It's had its ups and downs, the rollercoaster ride of its life but that rollercoaster is forever on an extensive course and doesn't seem like it's going to stop plummeting downhill then crawling back uphill anytime soon.
I was born in a loving Christian family. Both my parents committed to Christ when they were still students, and are faithful sheep of the Lord, serving Him in different ways. My mother used to dance on the Spiritual Dance team at Church, and my dad serves as some position on one or two primary schools' staff Church boards, under the Methodist Church. My sister and I were baptised as children, and had a Christian upbringing in a loving home environment.
As I grew and developed through primary school, then secondary school, and as a college freshman at the moment, I changed Churches a few times and tried to grasp my rhythm and place in the Church environment. But I could never find it. As it was a Chinese Christian church, they all spoke Cantonese fluently and conducted Biblical teachings and Sunday School small group teaching sessions in Cantonese, which frustrated me as I was much more comfortable with learning in English and reading the English bible. As a result I fell and deviated away from God many times. More often that not, I sought refuge in other methods - joining other Fellowships, hanging out with the other international schools kids at Church (though there were not many), and finding refuge in school work. And consequently, at school I constantly produced a high level of achievement that pleased my teachers, my community and my parents - but it was all neutral to me. Just as music is. I loved it, for sure, I was immensely devoted to it - yet there was no underlying meaning beneath the surface ripples that spelt 'love' and 'emotion'.
Many times I was pulled back to God - failures, falls, bumps. Failing a test for the first time. Coming last place in a competition for the first time. Failing an audition for the senior orchestra, and instead of improving my ranking in the cello section of the junior orchestra, dropping back a few seats and letting others who I thought were inferior to me, overtake me. Those were some blue moments that snapped me back into a human being, the realisation that I was not perfect and however perfectionist I tried to be, I would always be inferior to God. So then I learned respect. And love for my enemies and admiration for those greater than myself.
I prayed long and hard at night. I was not always fully devoted in my prayers though. I would pray in bed, knowing that I'd drop off to sleep at any moment, and sometimes wake up to find my hands still clasped in a praying position, having forgotten what I'd prayed for the night before.
And this past summer was my biggest challenge: becoming an adult and university decisions.
Medical school.
Which medical school.
Which country.
If I would ever get an offer.
The long wait.
I returned to Church after what seemed like two eternities of hiding at home under my books and my shield, my comfort, my cushion that was - I did well in school and no matter what else happened as long as I had my grades I was satisfied with life. How naive. There is so much more to life than just grades. This I only found out after I entered university, into one of the toughest degree programmes, mingling in with a class of 209 other kids who had around the same exam scores as I did, or its equivalents. Medical school, on a scale of 1-10, was 9000.
Out of this world. Insane. Bonkers.
And right now, I'm falling again. Even though I return home on the weekends, I'm too fatigued by the week's activities that more often than not I can't bring myself to wake up on Sunday mornings. Whether this is actually due to genuine fatigue, or unwillingness to face my fellow Church mates who I'm forever too shy to strike up a conversation with, or the guilt that I've fallen but the dignity that I would still like to retain my Christian identity - I don't know. It's a combination of all of these factors. Either way, I can say I have no regular Church life at the moment. Though I attend Hall Fellowship sessions, these don't seem to compensate for what I have been absent for already for so long. My heart cries and yearns for God, yet my mind takes no proactive action to fulfill my hopes and desires. I keep praying, yet my mind and my heart are so uncertain. What should I do... perhaps Choir will bring me back. And Choir has brought me this epiphany. But am I willing to change? Can I change? Will I change? The answer is yes. JUST DO IT. :(
RC Choir 2012-13 Post #2
13.03.13 Wednesday 1610; half day off after a morning of Prof PSL Beh Pathology Shock Lecture followed by a microbiology lab practical on infective endocarditis; waiting for basketball training at 2000 then watching past interhall vs Wei Lun match footage for evaluation.
Been thinking all day about Choir. Choir, Choir, Choir, my beloved Choir, my fantastic choir that uplifts me always, yet simultaneously blesses me with extra deep frown lines and the moodiest depression swings and the toughest headaches.
BUT. I think I have cracked a solution - at long last. After 6 months of waving my arms around like a psychopathic maniac waving a machete around hoping to take his fury out on some poor innocent bystander on the street or in the park.
《愛情樹》 冉天豪
Literal translation: "Love tree".
A deeply moving love story, with an introduction from the composer (excuse my poor Chinese-English translation skills, even after 6 months of training in the RC Connect / RC Translation Team):
"We will never be able to explore how high the sky is, nor will we ever wish for the Tower of Babel to stand tall and upright, this is a moral we have not been able to face for thousands of years. Despite this, to irrigate and water and shower a tree with love, can perhaps be said to stretch beyond the limitations of human life, when the end of the world strikes upon us, it will grab hold tightly onto the earth, and continue to rise and extend upwards, patiently waiting for the reawakening and revival of the next world, this is the power of hope and belief. The piano guiding the main melody responds at the start and end, bringing with it soil and nourishment for support, enabling the choir to sprout from a single seed, to a large tree, and finally fantasising into a whole landscape of bright colours and optimism and powerful energy.
So actually, to be honest I was lying around on my bed feeling vulnerable and lost and a bit hopeless, just in general hea-ing and lazing around and procrastinating and deciding that I wasn't in the mood to catch up with my lecture or practical notes and just did not want to work at all, when it suddenly hit me. Epiphany.
My relationship with God.
The most ironic thing about this was that it was connected with the other song that our Choir will be singing - A Little Jazz Mass, Gloria, by Bob Chilcott - a hymn-like jazz choral piece praising the omnipotence of God! This was to be conducted by Lucia, who also felt little towards it but was improving much more rapidly than I, as she happened to have more "abstract emotion" towards music in general, whereas I had more technique and in effect could help our Choir with more basic fundamentals such as intonation, articulation, and dynamics.
Anyways, off-topic. Back to the main point. Yes. My relationship with God was on and off, and I could apply this to my music!
The day before after choir rehearsal, Leon Chu pulled Lucia and I aside to have a little chat on what was on our minds that still pressured us, making us perhaps fearful or unprepared for Sunday's performance (note, performance, not competition!!! Though it is an official interhall competition, Leon Chu will never admit to it being a competition because then in essence it will have lost its meaning; music is for performing and expressing, not for competing. I wholeheartedly agree. I hate music being a competition. It's too subjective when you're expressing it in your own way. ><) Leon Chu told me to think about my past relationship with my boyfriend. But I was done with that. I didn't want to have anything to do with it anymore. JUST NO. So I thought long and hard and as it usually happens with me, it took me aaaaaages to come up with a better plan. I recalled he said to think of something I yearn for, yet know for sure I can't have. And in a sense, this is not exactly true in the example I am going to give in a second, yet I have not exactly achieved it yet and so, still in the obstacle-filled stage reaching up and striving for the light, I hope that my story will help me to conduct better and express how I feel about my experiences. To my dearest choir. To Leon Chu. To the judges. To the audience. To HKU. To the world. To myself. Only then will I be able to rest in peace and pay my respects and show my gratitude for these past 6 months of sacrifice from everybody and their expectations of me.
Actually, this post is getting a little too long-winded so I shall start my story in the next post. Catch you in a bit. It is actually coming, mind you. No more interruptions, I promise. :)
Been thinking all day about Choir. Choir, Choir, Choir, my beloved Choir, my fantastic choir that uplifts me always, yet simultaneously blesses me with extra deep frown lines and the moodiest depression swings and the toughest headaches.
BUT. I think I have cracked a solution - at long last. After 6 months of waving my arms around like a psychopathic maniac waving a machete around hoping to take his fury out on some poor innocent bystander on the street or in the park.
《愛情樹》 冉天豪
Literal translation: "Love tree".
A deeply moving love story, with an introduction from the composer (excuse my poor Chinese-English translation skills, even after 6 months of training in the RC Connect / RC Translation Team):
"We will never be able to explore how high the sky is, nor will we ever wish for the Tower of Babel to stand tall and upright, this is a moral we have not been able to face for thousands of years. Despite this, to irrigate and water and shower a tree with love, can perhaps be said to stretch beyond the limitations of human life, when the end of the world strikes upon us, it will grab hold tightly onto the earth, and continue to rise and extend upwards, patiently waiting for the reawakening and revival of the next world, this is the power of hope and belief. The piano guiding the main melody responds at the start and end, bringing with it soil and nourishment for support, enabling the choir to sprout from a single seed, to a large tree, and finally fantasising into a whole landscape of bright colours and optimism and powerful energy.
So actually, to be honest I was lying around on my bed feeling vulnerable and lost and a bit hopeless, just in general hea-ing and lazing around and procrastinating and deciding that I wasn't in the mood to catch up with my lecture or practical notes and just did not want to work at all, when it suddenly hit me. Epiphany.
My relationship with God.
The most ironic thing about this was that it was connected with the other song that our Choir will be singing - A Little Jazz Mass, Gloria, by Bob Chilcott - a hymn-like jazz choral piece praising the omnipotence of God! This was to be conducted by Lucia, who also felt little towards it but was improving much more rapidly than I, as she happened to have more "abstract emotion" towards music in general, whereas I had more technique and in effect could help our Choir with more basic fundamentals such as intonation, articulation, and dynamics.
Anyways, off-topic. Back to the main point. Yes. My relationship with God was on and off, and I could apply this to my music!
The day before after choir rehearsal, Leon Chu pulled Lucia and I aside to have a little chat on what was on our minds that still pressured us, making us perhaps fearful or unprepared for Sunday's performance (note, performance, not competition!!! Though it is an official interhall competition, Leon Chu will never admit to it being a competition because then in essence it will have lost its meaning; music is for performing and expressing, not for competing. I wholeheartedly agree. I hate music being a competition. It's too subjective when you're expressing it in your own way. ><) Leon Chu told me to think about my past relationship with my boyfriend. But I was done with that. I didn't want to have anything to do with it anymore. JUST NO. So I thought long and hard and as it usually happens with me, it took me aaaaaages to come up with a better plan. I recalled he said to think of something I yearn for, yet know for sure I can't have. And in a sense, this is not exactly true in the example I am going to give in a second, yet I have not exactly achieved it yet and so, still in the obstacle-filled stage reaching up and striving for the light, I hope that my story will help me to conduct better and express how I feel about my experiences. To my dearest choir. To Leon Chu. To the judges. To the audience. To HKU. To the world. To myself. Only then will I be able to rest in peace and pay my respects and show my gratitude for these past 6 months of sacrifice from everybody and their expectations of me.
Actually, this post is getting a little too long-winded so I shall start my story in the next post. Catch you in a bit. It is actually coming, mind you. No more interruptions, I promise. :)
RC Choir 2012-13 Post #1
12.03.2013 Tuesday. 0230, after choir rehearsal.
6 months into the shoes of a choir conductor for RC Lee Hall, it is overwhelming how my background in music (merely a few cello lessons here and there back from when I was a kid, to a few theory lessons for fun when my brother took his theory exams, to a few years of choral singing in primary school, to a few years of orchestral jamming during secondary school) coupled with the significantly different experience of my fellow conductor Lucia, and the common sense and basic knowledge of the folks around here has helped this choir tremendously. Yet it is bittersweet acknowledging how many stepping stones we've bypassed, how many stars we've reached, and how much effort everyone has thrown in to help me out along the way - yet at the end of the day, I feel that I am still stuck, trapped, restricted from the very same stone I began on from Day 1. It is not about personal technique, musicality, ability. I have it. Intrinsically. Hidden. Tucked away safely. It won't come out, no matter how much I coax it to. No amount of deep thought, brain-racking, praying will do any good for me, for I have literally run out of gas as to how I can be a conductor - to express the music with my arms, to guide my choir, to lead every word, every phrase, every single ounce of meaning in the music. Expression. Emotion. Feelings. Sing it like you mean it. How many times have I used that phrase to encourage and inspire my choirmates? Yet it is empty inside. I feel hollow inside. There is nothing in my body that points to the beauty of music ... nothing, except a recognition in my brain. The concrete ability to read notes, rhythm, dynamics, articulation - everything, except expression.
Expressivo.
How many times have I seen that term before? In all my years of cello playing, all it ever meant to me was to "rock back and forth and pretend you are allowing the music to wash over you like the waves on the beach, the tide coming in and washing over your feet". Pretentious. Superficial. Unreal.
"Feel it with your heart". Yes, I feel it. Yet it is a psychological definition, a scientific feeling. Not a musical or human one. I "feel" it just as the average layman would. Acknowledgement. Recognition. Presence. Like a ripple on the surface. Not the entire wave that spreads from the centre to the outskirts of the universe.
But. I shall not yield. For the motto of Outward Bound stipulates "to serve, to strike, and not to yield". I shall return and think of a resolution again when morning dawns. Robotic lifestyle again. Lectures. Practicals. Tutorials. School. Lunch. Rest. Work. Training. Rehearsal. Sleep. Until then, so long. Too many worries on my mind that can wait. Take everything one day at a time, 活在當下，凡事感恩! <3
6 months into the shoes of a choir conductor for RC Lee Hall, it is overwhelming how my background in music (merely a few cello lessons here and there back from when I was a kid, to a few theory lessons for fun when my brother took his theory exams, to a few years of choral singing in primary school, to a few years of orchestral jamming during secondary school) coupled with the significantly different experience of my fellow conductor Lucia, and the common sense and basic knowledge of the folks around here has helped this choir tremendously. Yet it is bittersweet acknowledging how many stepping stones we've bypassed, how many stars we've reached, and how much effort everyone has thrown in to help me out along the way - yet at the end of the day, I feel that I am still stuck, trapped, restricted from the very same stone I began on from Day 1. It is not about personal technique, musicality, ability. I have it. Intrinsically. Hidden. Tucked away safely. It won't come out, no matter how much I coax it to. No amount of deep thought, brain-racking, praying will do any good for me, for I have literally run out of gas as to how I can be a conductor - to express the music with my arms, to guide my choir, to lead every word, every phrase, every single ounce of meaning in the music. Expression. Emotion. Feelings. Sing it like you mean it. How many times have I used that phrase to encourage and inspire my choirmates? Yet it is empty inside. I feel hollow inside. There is nothing in my body that points to the beauty of music ... nothing, except a recognition in my brain. The concrete ability to read notes, rhythm, dynamics, articulation - everything, except expression.
Expressivo.
How many times have I seen that term before? In all my years of cello playing, all it ever meant to me was to "rock back and forth and pretend you are allowing the music to wash over you like the waves on the beach, the tide coming in and washing over your feet". Pretentious. Superficial. Unreal.
"Feel it with your heart". Yes, I feel it. Yet it is a psychological definition, a scientific feeling. Not a musical or human one. I "feel" it just as the average layman would. Acknowledgement. Recognition. Presence. Like a ripple on the surface. Not the entire wave that spreads from the centre to the outskirts of the universe.
But. I shall not yield. For the motto of Outward Bound stipulates "to serve, to strike, and not to yield". I shall return and think of a resolution again when morning dawns. Robotic lifestyle again. Lectures. Practicals. Tutorials. School. Lunch. Rest. Work. Training. Rehearsal. Sleep. Until then, so long. Too many worries on my mind that can wait. Take everything one day at a time, 活在當下，凡事感恩! <3
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