Wednesday, March 26, 2014
Carly's Café - Experience Autism Through Carly's Eyes
Since when did I have an obsession over autism. The correct term, "ASD" (Autism Spectrum Disorder) should be used, but for the sake of writing and time, and as everyone refers to it, it's just autism for me.
I don't remember my first encounter with the term. Probably something on TV.
Ah. I remember. A movie. With my dad. Or rather, one of my dad's weekend movies which I happened to catch. Something about mercury. Mercury Rising. With Bruce Willis. And an autistic kid whose name I'm sorry I will never be able to remember. Really fascinating plot. Top secret NSA stuff. And somehow the kid solves it. Or knows about it. One way or the other, I remember clearly for aaaages after watching the movie I was engrossed with the minute details of his speech and actions. Everything he did in the movie. Though of course this must have been at least a good 5 years ago so no more recollection, apart from Autism.
It still remains as much a mystery to me as it is to the world. Especially the world of science and medicine. If possible I wish to make it one of my life goals to study it, understand it, reach out to autistic kids. Just what is happening. Why are they trapped. How we can burst the bubble and break through to their intelligence. Because as you may have heard, autistic kids are often the brightest, just that they have problems expressing themselves.
By no means am I comparing autistic kids with myself LOL. Though I have trouble expressing myself at times ...
Anyway. Loved this short clip. Really says a lot. Don't judge a book by its cover. And every story has 2 sides.
Much respect. My heart goes out to all autistic peeps.
Oh and did you know, they recently found that not only kids can have autism, but adults too. Scary, huh?
It's kinda like. Late onset. Like MODY (mature onset of diabetes in the young) or type 1.5 diabetes aka. LADA (latent autoimmune diabetes in adults).
Ah. sorry for bombarding you with details of my study. Exams just around the corner and it's being a pain in the ass. Either I can't remember it. Or I only remember a few things and it nags at me begging for attention so I can't digest other information.
Anyway, autism. You guys really got a lot of guts to be able to bear with ignorant people who don't understand you! I don't mean to say I understand you guys a lot either ... but I really feel for you peeps. Just be yourself. Hold your head high cos you guys are amazing. Just wanna let u know! If any of you guys ever read this haha. :')
-peace out-
Tuesday, March 25, 2014
RC Choir 2013-14 #2
26.03.2014 0320
After choir rehearsal and work (PCP readings ... damnit finally last tutorial tmr, good riddance!)
So tonight for some reason I feel much more spirited and less clogged up with depressing thoughts, absolutely no signs of complicated thoughts, uneasiness, or drifting off into a pool of muddy chaos.
My head is still heavy and to some extent, spinning. Been treating my body not too well lately, and as a result it has had enough of me and started producing cold symptoms. Nose has been stuffed up all day yesterday and today ... couldn't stop blowing noisily during PBL this morning (sorry...) and have had to pop my ears with the occasional cough. Took some of Yeung Wing's dextrochlorpheniramine pills (decongestants) and one of my old anti-inflammatory meds (lysozyme). Don't think my old Strepsils work too well (never trusted those buggers ...)
But ... anyway ... I feel as if work has been tapping me on the shoulder lately, I have put it off for too long, and Finals are fast approaching. I don't feel the doom that many of my classmates do ... yet ... but I know if I want to pass up into Year 3 next year I will have to work my ass off. Soon. Damnit.
Being busy with school is good. Takes my mind off things. Though those crazy accumulative thoughts I previously typed for Coach are still stuck at the bottom of my head. Just wanna crush it and kick it out of my brain. Stupid brain. Always thinking pessimistic thoughts not worth paying attention to, and not creating enough space for actually useful knowledge! Oh, the life of an introvert. >< Is that why I always tell people to be optimistic, tell them I'm optimistic ... but deep down the devil in my head keeps throwing pessimistic ideas around.
Anyway. So my beloved choir. Had a really good time tonight and thoroughly enjoyed myself. Yep even through my hazy voice and stuffy nose. Didn't expect those guys to be able to sing Praise His Holy Name through without major issues, as many of them said they hadn't looked at it since last rehearsal a week ago. But they did, and I had a lot of fun seeing them through the whole piece. Awesome :)
And a bit of a surprise, as it was only the previous night that Coach had started singing 讓生命圓滿 with CU Chorus. And after they posted it online ... I was mesmerised. The message was so strong it struck home immediately, and the simple yet effective melody and harmonies just moved me so much. Purely as a genuine heartfelt comment I told Coach that I loved it very much ... and very unexpectedly ... Coach said, if I would like RC to sing it for Farewell. Wow. I was so shocked at that moment, as I really had no intentions of going down this path when I first made that comment. But as you cannot really express such surprise in a Facebook chat ... our conversation extended and somehow I found myself convincing myself that indeed it would be quite lovely to cover this for Farewell as well. :') thank you Coach!
So all in all, a peaceful day. Feel so much better than a while ago ... perhaps it is because Coach keeps telling me spill so much ... I don't know how much is left in me that's unwilling to come out but still bugging me, but for now I do feel liberated. Why does he always (seem to) manage to do all the right things to pull me out of the mud I'm stuck in?! (haha, just thought of that childhood game "Stuck-In-The-Mud" ... basically a friend of the basic "Tag", but with a slight catch).
I only know that it is my greatest honour and blessing to have such an influential guide in my life. Indeed life is much happier with a good friend. :') just have this tiny gut feeling that I am still socially awkward -_-" and that i won't be able to do much about it in the near future ._.
stop. introverts are awesome too.
in their own way.
:)
After choir rehearsal and work (PCP readings ... damnit finally last tutorial tmr, good riddance!)
So tonight for some reason I feel much more spirited and less clogged up with depressing thoughts, absolutely no signs of complicated thoughts, uneasiness, or drifting off into a pool of muddy chaos.
My head is still heavy and to some extent, spinning. Been treating my body not too well lately, and as a result it has had enough of me and started producing cold symptoms. Nose has been stuffed up all day yesterday and today ... couldn't stop blowing noisily during PBL this morning (sorry...) and have had to pop my ears with the occasional cough. Took some of Yeung Wing's dextrochlorpheniramine pills (decongestants) and one of my old anti-inflammatory meds (lysozyme). Don't think my old Strepsils work too well (never trusted those buggers ...)
But ... anyway ... I feel as if work has been tapping me on the shoulder lately, I have put it off for too long, and Finals are fast approaching. I don't feel the doom that many of my classmates do ... yet ... but I know if I want to pass up into Year 3 next year I will have to work my ass off. Soon. Damnit.
Being busy with school is good. Takes my mind off things. Though those crazy accumulative thoughts I previously typed for Coach are still stuck at the bottom of my head. Just wanna crush it and kick it out of my brain. Stupid brain. Always thinking pessimistic thoughts not worth paying attention to, and not creating enough space for actually useful knowledge! Oh, the life of an introvert. >< Is that why I always tell people to be optimistic, tell them I'm optimistic ... but deep down the devil in my head keeps throwing pessimistic ideas around.
Anyway. So my beloved choir. Had a really good time tonight and thoroughly enjoyed myself. Yep even through my hazy voice and stuffy nose. Didn't expect those guys to be able to sing Praise His Holy Name through without major issues, as many of them said they hadn't looked at it since last rehearsal a week ago. But they did, and I had a lot of fun seeing them through the whole piece. Awesome :)
And a bit of a surprise, as it was only the previous night that Coach had started singing 讓生命圓滿 with CU Chorus. And after they posted it online ... I was mesmerised. The message was so strong it struck home immediately, and the simple yet effective melody and harmonies just moved me so much. Purely as a genuine heartfelt comment I told Coach that I loved it very much ... and very unexpectedly ... Coach said, if I would like RC to sing it for Farewell. Wow. I was so shocked at that moment, as I really had no intentions of going down this path when I first made that comment. But as you cannot really express such surprise in a Facebook chat ... our conversation extended and somehow I found myself convincing myself that indeed it would be quite lovely to cover this for Farewell as well. :') thank you Coach!
So all in all, a peaceful day. Feel so much better than a while ago ... perhaps it is because Coach keeps telling me spill so much ... I don't know how much is left in me that's unwilling to come out but still bugging me, but for now I do feel liberated. Why does he always (seem to) manage to do all the right things to pull me out of the mud I'm stuck in?! (haha, just thought of that childhood game "Stuck-In-The-Mud" ... basically a friend of the basic "Tag", but with a slight catch).
I only know that it is my greatest honour and blessing to have such an influential guide in my life. Indeed life is much happier with a good friend. :') just have this tiny gut feeling that I am still socially awkward -_-" and that i won't be able to do much about it in the near future ._.
stop. introverts are awesome too.
in their own way.
:)
Wednesday, March 19, 2014
RC Choir 2013-14 #1
19.03.2014 0340
after choir rehearsal and chatting with Coach (if you ever read this be it accidental or intentional, rest assured I won't use "that name" anymore haha) and late night study (clearing out endocrine lectures)
It has been exactly 17 days since Interhall. That fateful day. That magical day. That day filled with nasty surprises, shock and horror, but at the end of the day, all smiles and cheer and goodwill. Yet that only lies with the common folk. Once again I have detached myself away from the crowd, from the hustle and bustle, from the buzz that brings with it instant security and social inclusion.
So why? Why do I detach myself?? WHY must I deviate from social norm??
The simplest answer? I don't know. I just do. I just feel like I have a personal mission to achieve, much more abstract beyond the mini goals of daily life. A quest where I merely use the various aspects of Hall life as stepping stones to enable myself to discover more, explore more, to escape the tiny box I've trapped myself inside for so long. Too long.
Perhaps the old me from a year ago isn't that different from the so-called "new" me this year. At this moment in time. If I could just pause and rewind ... take me back to last year's interhall - why was it so much more fulfilling? Though this year I also feel I have achieved my aim at that particular moment I let the music dissipate from my fingertips at the end of the final song, To Seek a Shining Star, ... reflecting back, indeed I don't feel as terrible as I did on that very same day immediately following our performance.
Yet, the hollowness, such emptiness ... still resides in my head. No matter how hard I try to replace it, block it out, convince myself that I am much more, that I can kill all those pessimistic thoughts and values ...
It won't work.
I think Coach can see it in me. In my eyes. In my nervous broken smile. My jittery self.
But I have got to admit, each post-rehearsal chat works magic. Instant moments of power, of strength, of hope, of inspiration, of motivation, of drive. To push myself out of such negativity. To propel my new self out of the shoes of my old self.
--
The fundamental question. What is music? What makes good music? Why does music work magic the way it does? What makes music so powerful?
The answer is not purely "just because". And I have made it my personal quest to answer such questions - to rediscover the music that I have loved as a kid, and dig in and study why why why why WHY it has brought me to where I am today. How it has reshaped my whole life. I owe too much to music, to Coach. I will never be able to repay such a debt!
As I have told him 17 days ago, that night after Interhall ...
"music is as much an exploration of the world and the human mind similar to how medicine is an exploration of the human body (which is also partly why i study it, in order to discover more about whats going on inside a person, not just physically but also mentally and psychologically"
It really does make me feel a lot better and a lot less complicated having a platform to share my thoughts and feelings, and late night chatting with Coach. He really understands me and my needs, though evidently there are some deep dark thoughts stuck right inside the bottom of my head or my heart which I am still not ready to share. Hope one day in the near future I will have the courage to do so, but of course that's as much a burden on myself as it is on Coach. Sometimes I feel like I keep ranting without the need for someone to respond, yet it feels like I put so much pressure on him to respond in some appropriate way when none is needed. I thought I didn't need such a platform, such a listener, a faithful friend ... but I do. Everyone does. It is just human nature.
--
Haha, on a side note.
Competed in the annual Chi Fu Run today. Quite thoroughly pissed off at myself.
Knew that I wouldn't be able to handle it, but in a moment of spontaneity just went "JUST DO IT. don't you dare regret it later!!!"
Went to donate blood, as Red Cross came to the medical campus just for today. And as it had already been past 3 months since I last donated (November), I was eager to do so again. As I had earlier posted on Instagram ... 用卑微的力量去幫助及感染別人的生命! Again, another mini mission of daily life.
Anyway, the main point is that I underestimated my powers, as I often do. And went full out on the Run. At first my goal was just to tappy run with my floormates and have fun etc. But as we all know too well, I get hyperactive and way too excited over any type of sports, as I always do ... be it basketball, hockey, soccer, and now running ... and got annoyed with the masses of hallmates blocking the narrow pedestrian path. Gosh I just wanted to use my Hadouken to blast them forward or just to get them outta my way!
And so after a while of tagging behind some 7/f boys and various other female floors which I obviously do NOT have a grudge against, I finally lost my temper and flew through the road and powered past the crowd stuck in the middle. Felt so much better. AT THAT POINT. obviously. I had no idea what I had gotten myself into. At the halfway point, crossing the road, I suddenly felt huge huge huge muscle fatigue and weakness and dizziness and fatigue. But I knew at that point, if I stopped, I would regret it my whole life. For I am not that weak and nor was I going to give in so easily!!!
So being the ignorant me, the persistent me, the determined me, the never-give-up me, I went full out all the way back to RC. And boy I collapsed the moment I crossed the imaginary finish line. And before I passed out, I managed to make it back up to 11/f where my head dropped down and stayed that way for a good half an hour.
不自量力~!
Such dissatisfaction with myself ... is it deprivation of music? Yet we had only had rehearsal 5 hours ago.
I don't know!
--Sleep--
after choir rehearsal and chatting with Coach (if you ever read this be it accidental or intentional, rest assured I won't use "that name" anymore haha) and late night study (clearing out endocrine lectures)
It has been exactly 17 days since Interhall. That fateful day. That magical day. That day filled with nasty surprises, shock and horror, but at the end of the day, all smiles and cheer and goodwill. Yet that only lies with the common folk. Once again I have detached myself away from the crowd, from the hustle and bustle, from the buzz that brings with it instant security and social inclusion.
So why? Why do I detach myself?? WHY must I deviate from social norm??
The simplest answer? I don't know. I just do. I just feel like I have a personal mission to achieve, much more abstract beyond the mini goals of daily life. A quest where I merely use the various aspects of Hall life as stepping stones to enable myself to discover more, explore more, to escape the tiny box I've trapped myself inside for so long. Too long.
Perhaps the old me from a year ago isn't that different from the so-called "new" me this year. At this moment in time. If I could just pause and rewind ... take me back to last year's interhall - why was it so much more fulfilling? Though this year I also feel I have achieved my aim at that particular moment I let the music dissipate from my fingertips at the end of the final song, To Seek a Shining Star, ... reflecting back, indeed I don't feel as terrible as I did on that very same day immediately following our performance.
Yet, the hollowness, such emptiness ... still resides in my head. No matter how hard I try to replace it, block it out, convince myself that I am much more, that I can kill all those pessimistic thoughts and values ...
It won't work.
I think Coach can see it in me. In my eyes. In my nervous broken smile. My jittery self.
But I have got to admit, each post-rehearsal chat works magic. Instant moments of power, of strength, of hope, of inspiration, of motivation, of drive. To push myself out of such negativity. To propel my new self out of the shoes of my old self.
--
The fundamental question. What is music? What makes good music? Why does music work magic the way it does? What makes music so powerful?
The answer is not purely "just because". And I have made it my personal quest to answer such questions - to rediscover the music that I have loved as a kid, and dig in and study why why why why WHY it has brought me to where I am today. How it has reshaped my whole life. I owe too much to music, to Coach. I will never be able to repay such a debt!
As I have told him 17 days ago, that night after Interhall ...
"music is as much an exploration of the world and the human mind similar to how medicine is an exploration of the human body (which is also partly why i study it, in order to discover more about whats going on inside a person, not just physically but also mentally and psychologically"
It really does make me feel a lot better and a lot less complicated having a platform to share my thoughts and feelings, and late night chatting with Coach. He really understands me and my needs, though evidently there are some deep dark thoughts stuck right inside the bottom of my head or my heart which I am still not ready to share. Hope one day in the near future I will have the courage to do so, but of course that's as much a burden on myself as it is on Coach. Sometimes I feel like I keep ranting without the need for someone to respond, yet it feels like I put so much pressure on him to respond in some appropriate way when none is needed. I thought I didn't need such a platform, such a listener, a faithful friend ... but I do. Everyone does. It is just human nature.
--
Haha, on a side note.
Competed in the annual Chi Fu Run today. Quite thoroughly pissed off at myself.
Knew that I wouldn't be able to handle it, but in a moment of spontaneity just went "JUST DO IT. don't you dare regret it later!!!"
Went to donate blood, as Red Cross came to the medical campus just for today. And as it had already been past 3 months since I last donated (November), I was eager to do so again. As I had earlier posted on Instagram ... 用卑微的力量去幫助及感染別人的生命! Again, another mini mission of daily life.
Anyway, the main point is that I underestimated my powers, as I often do. And went full out on the Run. At first my goal was just to tappy run with my floormates and have fun etc. But as we all know too well, I get hyperactive and way too excited over any type of sports, as I always do ... be it basketball, hockey, soccer, and now running ... and got annoyed with the masses of hallmates blocking the narrow pedestrian path. Gosh I just wanted to use my Hadouken to blast them forward or just to get them outta my way!
And so after a while of tagging behind some 7/f boys and various other female floors which I obviously do NOT have a grudge against, I finally lost my temper and flew through the road and powered past the crowd stuck in the middle. Felt so much better. AT THAT POINT. obviously. I had no idea what I had gotten myself into. At the halfway point, crossing the road, I suddenly felt huge huge huge muscle fatigue and weakness and dizziness and fatigue. But I knew at that point, if I stopped, I would regret it my whole life. For I am not that weak and nor was I going to give in so easily!!!
So being the ignorant me, the persistent me, the determined me, the never-give-up me, I went full out all the way back to RC. And boy I collapsed the moment I crossed the imaginary finish line. And before I passed out, I managed to make it back up to 11/f where my head dropped down and stayed that way for a good half an hour.
不自量力~!
Such dissatisfaction with myself ... is it deprivation of music? Yet we had only had rehearsal 5 hours ago.
I don't know!
--Sleep--
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