19.03.2014 0340
after choir rehearsal and chatting with Coach (if you ever read this be it accidental or intentional, rest assured I won't use "that name" anymore haha) and late night study (clearing out endocrine lectures)
It has been exactly 17 days since Interhall. That fateful day. That magical day. That day filled with nasty surprises, shock and horror, but at the end of the day, all smiles and cheer and goodwill. Yet that only lies with the common folk. Once again I have detached myself away from the crowd, from the hustle and bustle, from the buzz that brings with it instant security and social inclusion.
So why? Why do I detach myself?? WHY must I deviate from social norm??
The simplest answer? I don't know. I just do. I just feel like I have a personal mission to achieve, much more abstract beyond the mini goals of daily life. A quest where I merely use the various aspects of Hall life as stepping stones to enable myself to discover more, explore more, to escape the tiny box I've trapped myself inside for so long. Too long.
Perhaps the old me from a year ago isn't that different from the so-called "new" me this year. At this moment in time. If I could just pause and rewind ... take me back to last year's interhall - why was it so much more fulfilling? Though this year I also feel I have achieved my aim at that particular moment I let the music dissipate from my fingertips at the end of the final song, To Seek a Shining Star, ... reflecting back, indeed I don't feel as terrible as I did on that very same day immediately following our performance.
Yet, the hollowness, such emptiness ... still resides in my head. No matter how hard I try to replace it, block it out, convince myself that I am much more, that I can kill all those pessimistic thoughts and values ...
It won't work.
I think Coach can see it in me. In my eyes. In my nervous broken smile. My jittery self.
But I have got to admit, each post-rehearsal chat works magic. Instant moments of power, of strength, of hope, of inspiration, of motivation, of drive. To push myself out of such negativity. To propel my new self out of the shoes of my old self.
--
The fundamental question. What is music? What makes good music? Why does music work magic the way it does? What makes music so powerful?
The answer is not purely "just because". And I have made it my personal quest to answer such questions - to rediscover the music that I have loved as a kid, and dig in and study why why why why WHY it has brought me to where I am today. How it has reshaped my whole life. I owe too much to music, to Coach. I will never be able to repay such a debt!
As I have told him 17 days ago, that night after Interhall ...
"music is as much an exploration of the world and the human mind
similar to how medicine is an exploration of the human body (which is also partly why i study it, in order to discover more about whats going on inside a person, not just physically but also mentally and psychologically"
It really does make me feel a lot better and a lot less complicated having a platform to share my thoughts and feelings, and late night chatting with Coach. He really understands me and my needs, though evidently there are some deep dark thoughts stuck right inside the bottom of my head or my heart which I am still not ready to share. Hope one day in the near future I will have the courage to do so, but of course that's as much a burden on myself as it is on Coach. Sometimes I feel like I keep ranting without the need for someone to respond, yet it feels like I put so much pressure on him to respond in some appropriate way when none is needed. I thought I didn't need such a platform, such a listener, a faithful friend ... but I do. Everyone does. It is just human nature.
--
Haha, on a side note.
Competed in the annual Chi Fu Run today. Quite thoroughly pissed off at myself.
Knew that I wouldn't be able to handle it, but in a moment of spontaneity just went "JUST DO IT. don't you dare regret it later!!!"
Went to donate blood, as Red Cross came to the medical campus just for today. And as it had already been past 3 months since I last donated (November), I was eager to do so again. As I had earlier posted on Instagram ... 用卑微的力量去幫助及感染別人的生命! Again, another mini mission of daily life.
Anyway, the main point is that I underestimated my powers, as I often do. And went full out on the Run. At first my goal was just to tappy run with my floormates and have fun etc. But as we all know too well, I get hyperactive and way too excited over any type of sports, as I always do ... be it basketball, hockey, soccer, and now running ... and got annoyed with the masses of hallmates blocking the narrow pedestrian path. Gosh I just wanted to use my Hadouken to blast them forward or just to get them outta my way!
And so after a while of tagging behind some 7/f boys and various other female floors which I obviously do NOT have a grudge against, I finally lost my temper and flew through the road and powered past the crowd stuck in the middle. Felt so much better. AT THAT POINT. obviously. I had no idea what I had gotten myself into. At the halfway point, crossing the road, I suddenly felt huge huge huge muscle fatigue and weakness and dizziness and fatigue. But I knew at that point, if I stopped, I would regret it my whole life. For I am not that weak and nor was I going to give in so easily!!!
So being the ignorant me, the persistent me, the determined me, the never-give-up me, I went full out all the way back to RC. And boy I collapsed the moment I crossed the imaginary finish line. And before I passed out, I managed to make it back up to 11/f where my head dropped down and stayed that way for a good half an hour.
不自量力~!
Such dissatisfaction with myself ... is it deprivation of music? Yet we had only had rehearsal 5 hours ago.
I don't know!
--Sleep--
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