20140929 忍無可忍

20140929 1305

忍無可忍

要出去了。M17 First-Aiders let's go.

20140929 Outcry of Injustice

20140929 0514.

#HKboycott
#HKStudentStrike
#OccupyHK
#hk926

it is in the early hours of the morning. Occupy Central (OCLP) has been launched for a full day and more now, on top of HKFS's student strike and original week-long class boycott. Tensions are rising by the second and mere hours ago Hong Kong witnessed its darkest day. Police used brute force and inhumane brutality on our poor defenseless people, many of whom are students younger than me - university and high school students alike. Out came pepper spray at point blank range (aiming for the face and eyes specifically) and police truncheons/batons, which quickly escalated into ruthless waves of tear gas (which is xx times more toxic than pepper spray) and guns loaded with rubber bullets.

i must say, again and again, ever since my post 3 months ago in response to the 613 東北事件 and the foreshadowing of the 7.1 Democracy March and 7.2 公民抗命, my blood has started to boil at such injustice in the society, and my voice is finally coming out.

20140629: http://lifeinrc.blogspot.hk/2014/06/20.html

三個月前我只是一個無知的少年。很服從，一向只會聽父母一切的話——不要去示威，危險。不要罷課，因爲老師不會罷教。（當然，他們兩都在大學教書，自己又不會罷教，當然也嚴禁自己子女罷課）

但是三個月前突然醒覺，自己長大了，有權利，有能力自己為自己著想，自己有自己的想法，更加思想越來越成熟，要為社會的各種各樣不公義詳細了解，決定自己的立場，發聲。

20140613 東北，看見跟我在教會裏長大的 Sunny Leung 哥哥（應該是跟我同年吧。。。？）作爲前綫人員，衝破立法會。究竟他是暴民嗎？絕對不是。

20140702 遊行后公民抗命，看見哥哥（自己親生啊哥 lol）的女朋友 Athena 因爲參與靜坐而被警察拘捕。究竟她是暴民嗎？絕對不是。

其實此時此刻，仍然對自己的政治立場有所保留。不是完全反對，但是原本就是不支持。但是到了現在，已經不只是對於佔中的立場，面前一張又一張的臉孔，被警察的胡椒噴霧和催淚彈擊中的傷痕，的悲哀，不屈服的精神。。。我忍無可忍了。

常常聼別人說，你不喜歡政治，對政治冷感，躲避不了的，因爲關乎所有人。今天，到我了。罷課大行動和全港不合作行動。

儘管一早已知道父母不會讓我這樣做，我也必須做。不是因爲 peer pressure, 不是因爲恐懼，不是因爲對佔中立場有所改變。但是因爲情況已到了危險關頭，全香港都在奮鬥、在抗命、在支持聲緩學生。這香港已經變了。這幾年已經開始了，只是自己沒有好好留心周圍現實殘酷畫面。

不站出來，也覺得慚愧，總會覺得自己沒有實現公民責任，但是也要告訴自己不要感到迷茫和無助。別人也可能會譴責我只做鍵盤戰士，更加只是 Twitter 的卑微 share photos and retweets 。。。但是起碼我有良知、有想法，不是盲目，不原意被洗腦。

還在成熟的階段中，還有漫長的路途要走。請不要放棄，支持有很多种方法，包括默默在電腦后打句祝福話語。

多麽想出去跟醫療團隊學習，獻上自己卑微的力量去幫手。那爲什麽不去吧，少年。這些機會。。。

不要再説了。更不想用父母做擋箭牌，始終還是過不了自己那關。

今晚過後（現在已清早0607，太陽已升），香港從此不一樣。我們踏進了新的抗命時代，不要為自己沒有盡的所謂 “責任” 跟外出的戰士們道歉，最緊要是自己知道自己在做什麽。

思想的確很重要。

繼續努力。

再吸取經驗（什麽經驗？鍵盤戰士？？？）和教訓。

願香港能回復平安，能夠再歸于香港公民。

Valiant warriors fighting to safeguard our future generation, take care and be safe. Salute to you all.

ECU Chamber Singers - Good Night, Dear Heart

There's a magic here that didn't exist yesterday when I first clicked on it.



But something about it has caught my attention and I can't push it to the back of my mind when I search for other potential songs RC may sing this year.



Yet this magic has been accumulating bit by bit, slowly, softly, unknowingly. And now when I look at the score properly ... wow. There's just such a powerfully poignant air to it.



RC is still immature. And this song is not particularly difficult in terms of the words or music notes or even structure.



It's the music - the phrases - the message - that's overflowing from this clip of the ECU Chamber Singers - an outburst of emotion - of tears and love, of ages gone, of hope despite sorrow, of faith despite grief and pain, of warm sunny skies despite the darkness and empty vortex of losing a dear dear friend.



Good Night, Dear Heart.



Hope we shall do you justice.



No matter what may happen this year, I will find a way to make it work and make you prouder than ever before, beyond your wildest imagination. :')

CVS Bedside, 20140904

Bedside with Dr KMM Ma today. Late for 20 minutes, so all the "good" cardiovascular cases were already snagged by other groups. The reserve cases all vanished too - either discharged or no longer existed. :(

Finally chanced upon a CVS case. A very nice elderly gentleman with ESM @ LSB - ejection systolic murmur at the (left) lateral sternal border - barely audible, but I could faintly locate it.

A poorly patient in the bed behind me caught my attention. The nurse was here for blood-taking and other minor procedures, presumably taking the blood sugar (finger-prick) and adjusting the IV cannula. Something about him made me linger in mid air, my focus drifted away from my case and my eyes darted sideways. He couldn't talk - possibly a stroke patient, with multiple co-morbidities. His slurred speech and indecipherable sounds and yelps of pain made me tear up behind my glasses and mask.

I was still recovering from my cold, with a hint of a sniffle and already watery eyes and clogged throat partly filled with thick mucus. I had to put much effort into suppressing my emotions.

Today I finally understood what they meant, when they said "don't get attached to your patients. Keep a certain distance and make the relationship clear - a professional one. Doctor and patient, no more, no less." :(

Having served as a hospital volunteer in the past, and placed in a geriatric ward @ Shatin Hospital, it's not the first time I've seen such cases. Hell, I've even spent days sitting with and holding the hand of a severely affected stroke patient with hemiplegia - couldn't move, couldn't feel, couldn't talk, couldn't eat, couldn't swallow - and required intensive speech therapy every day.

But I couldn't put it past me today.

I knew that I wouldn't be able to specialise in geriatric medicine in the future. Even last year, I knew. The most depressing thing about old people is that most of them do not recover. Though you may improve their quality of life, accompany them, listen to their stories as a kid, "in their days" ... but ultimately it's never a happy ending. With their endless chronic illnesses, masses of co-morbidities, often only able to receive palliative and supportive care ... it gets too much to bear, even for just a day. Not that I don't want to serve them, just that somebody's gotta get the job done, but I just feel that my calling is somewhere else (you will know it if you know me).

My heart weeps for you, good gentleman.

I wish you peace, and a hope for recovery. For relief from suffering, whatever form it may take. That every day may be filled with hidden blessings, that you may discover them, and smile once again.

Though you may never know me, I will keep you etched in the back of my memory, as part of my bedside adventures.

Farewell.

Peaches and Cherries

Peaches and cherries are my favourite fruits in the world. Gawsh. I just cant resist them. Even through these icky days when my body just refuses to take in any proper food. Havent had a proper meal for the past three days. Haven't had dinner for the past two days.

Mom keeps apologising, saying she's sorry she can't help with my study (she's been saying that ever since junior high...) ... it just breaks my heart. Her soft smile and unspoken support is already a huge confidence booster to me. Her presence next to me on the dining table every single night, her peculiar 喃喃自語, her random squeals of "aiya!", just being there - a human presence - whilst everyone else is hidden in their own rooms, and as I slave away to my notes on the other end of the dining table.

So, she says, I'll buy you food you like. And like a hyperactive kid out on a field trip, she hops down to the supermarket and scavenges all over the place, returning with three full bags of food we could never finish in a week.

To clear things up a little, I dont have nasty eating habits. I'm not a picky eater, I dont leave leftovers in my bowl (not even a grain of rice, unlike my messy brother -_-), and I dont pick things out that I don't like. I eat what I'm given and my mom has taken that as a sign that whatever she gives me, I enjoy eating that food. So she buys me all sorts of foods, but secretly my favourites are just peaches and cherries :') Don't tell her that please.

I've heard all moms do that, but when it's your mom, it's kinda that much extra sweeter. And it's why I enjoy staying home. Almost everyone else has asked me at least once - why do you go home so often? Why are you always at home during the weekends or holidays? When are you coming back to hall?

And that's another reason. Hall life is absolutely wonderful - without it I would be far worse off than I am right now. But every single day (particularly now that we've hit the deep end of summer) is jam-packed with all sorts of activities. The peer pressure gets too much sometimes, even though I know I don't have to conform. And, I don't want news to spread out to the whole hall that I have to take the supplementary exam. I've only told six people in the whole hall I think - Anthony and Jackie (classmates), Yeungwing & Ode & Bobo & Seung (who told Rita, but it's okay). It's great having the extra support, but I just wanna keep it closed. As I've always said, it's my own damn problem and i'll damn right get it fixed myself. It's a lesson I have to learn the hard way - unfortunate but necessary.

But anyway. Peaches and cherries. I've never bought them myself when I go shopping for my own cooking at hall. They're quite expensive to be on my budget shopping list (don't even try to guess how much money I spend on food when I'm at hall lol), so I usually just grab a bunch of bananas or a few apples as my fruit of the day (or fruit of the week, as I only pop in the supermarket once a week or less.

So, it's wonderful to be back at home for the summer. I really feel like I missed out on a lot during term time - my brother's spending more time at home, my sister's having lots of precious alone time with my parents without me in the way (you're welcome Diane!), and in general as I can feel myself transforming over these two short years (so far), I feel I have a need to portray this transformation to my parents, so that they can witness my growth and maturation too. They will always be part of my journey :')

So had my first supplementary paper today - Minicases. The most dreaded, the beast, the monster - I could use a hundred adjectives to describe its monstrosity, how petrifying it is, it sends shivers down my spine just picturing it in my mind. But I got through it alive. It wasn't my best attempt, but I really hope I have enough in the bag to hit a pass mark. (Touch wood).

Second and my final supplementary paper is on Friday before I fly out to Taipei for TICF. It's MCQ and EMQ, surprisingly a weakness of mine, since SAQ is deemed to be the harder paper, which I passed (barely, but still, ultimately, a pass).

I must take his personal space to thank everyone who has boosted me and egged me on when I felt like the whole world was gonna come crushing down on me. If anyone ever comes across this, you guys really inspired me to take my wings and continue soaring upwards once again. The skies are opening up~

20前夕。

20歲的前夕。。。再次感到空虛、無助、低落。

為咩？

為這個城市，兩年前只差一點點就離開了的安樂窩。
為未來，不是自己的未來，而是香港和香港人的未來。
為今早牧師的講道，為這地的平安。

大學前從來都不關心社會，從來都沒有感受過做香港公民的責任，不喜歡、害怕、躲避時事和政治議題。

但是，大學跟社堂改變了一切。

對，我很被動。

對，我沒有用實際行動去説明自己的立場。

對，我還是恐懼面對這些敏感話題。

但是，我知道自己在不斷地成長，思想在成熟，慢慢在摸索、尋找自我。

也許因爲不斷見到身邊的長輩、老師、師兄師姐、堂友、同學們都在facebook share post，以前會選擇skip和不想理會的事情，今天，會詳細閲讀每一粒字。中文多差也要讀到尾。

最深刻或許是因爲見到在教會裏的一位青少年，跟我同年的，Sunny Leung（現在讀City soc work）。。。在613東北事件，有份參與衝破立法會，爲了社會卻被警察狠狠的毆打。。。我第一次從心底感到，驚恐慌張，不知所措。香港到底變成了什麽的地方。

我不再是小孩。更加應該擁抱長大的過程。20歲，是一個新的開始。因爲太多太多事情而要restart。

再説，今早在教會裏聽到牧師的講道。

很多都忘記了。（慚愧。。。牧師請原諒我吧。。。）

但是。聽到最令我毛骨悚然的是，exactly 100年前，1914，第一次世界大戰爆發。

1945，第二次世界大戰結束，差不多70年前。

而第一次世界大戰跟第二次世界大戰之間，1914到1945，31年。。。

而第二次世界大戰到現在。。。1945到2014，快70年。。。

原來，我們已經享受了70年的平安。

平安是什麽？

當然，中間有無數的Civil Wars，Unrest，悲劇每年都發生。你可以說，現代的世界，陷入困境，歷史也不斷重復。。。一點都不平安。

但是，70年來都沒有世界大戰等級的大型暴亂，這，的確來得不易。

慶幸。

感恩。

但不敢忘記、不敢再無視、不敢再那麽自私只顧及自己，由自己出發。

20了。香港是我家，必須堅守到底。

年輕人，拿出勇氣吧。大學生，step out of your comfort zone，think outside the box，不要再盲目在別人的影子裏躲避。

今年生日，一點都不快樂。

惟有為長大、為成長、為成熟來迎接20吧。

苦笑。

繼續努力。

共勉之~

醫學院實用中文課程

“只有你自己的思想才能阻礙你的成功。”