Study Pressure Post #2
30.04.2014 3.33am
Emissary vein.
My way of remembering it? In misery vein.
Though I am not totally in utter and despair misery, my mind is clouded.
Fear is not in my way, though it is imminent.
Ofc, ofc, don't let the fear of striking out prevent you from loving and playing the game.
Be brave. Stand strong. Have faith. You will make it. Support. Give you fire.
Words without worth, without value. Under any other circumstance they would make me tear up and discover that newfound ounce of strength safely tucked away in my heart.
But no. Saying them to myself never works.
I want to be motivated. I am driving myself. Pushing myself. Kicking, punching. Screaming. Exploding inside. Yet appearing calm on the outside.
I can do this. My endurance is enough to keep me going for weeks. (not...)
Isn't this part of my training? As a musician, as an athlete? Perseverance?
Get your head in the game.
Even if the examiners don't think you're worthy of a pass, at least you know you've egged out 500% of strength and willpower that's bursting inside you.
As I write this, I am strangely calm. I've been calm all along, just that revision seems so unproductive and inefficient and I just wish I had the same energy and motivation that drove me through my IB exams.
I. Just. Want. To. Study.
In peace.
Please.
Tuesday, April 29, 2014
Sunday, April 27, 2014
Things Moms Want Their Daughters To Know
is it weird i find this so comforting and strangely hilarious at the same time? ^u^
Wednesday, April 23, 2014
Grade 3 piano sight reading (2nd time)
https://plus.google.com/photos?pid=6005769910844457906&oid=107972878962462154297
Suddenly wanna play piano.
glitches, glitches everywhere.
Suddenly wanna play piano.
glitches, glitches everywhere.
Saturday, April 19, 2014
George Enescu - Romanian Rhapsody N° 1 Op 11 (Celibidache)
Celibidache - (one of) Coach's favourite conductor(s).
Before he mentioned it to me a couple days ago, I'd never even heard of him. And that first instant I bumped into his vid - Pictures at an Exhibition (does Coach think I still have an obsession over it though maybe yes i do) - wasn't exactly my greatest impression of the great Maestro that I have come to realise now.
And pretty much spent the whole of yesterday afternoon watching Celibidache. His documentary - "You don't do anything, you let it evolve" - really is fascinating indeed. Though a huge shame that the guy who uploaded it has only provided eng subs for the first half ... the other half is in italian subs only -cry-!!! T_T
And after watching so much Celibidache ... I can't say I really like him all that much, but he has that wow factor that's like a magnet pulling me closer to delving deeper into his world. And what a world it is. Just like so many other things in life, I have the utmost respect and admiration for this great man, though I feel like I would not get along with him. I'd cave in to his criticisms and imposing and bold personality hahah~
In fact, I see a bit of him within Coach. (oh gosh if you ever read this ... don't comment.) the first impression comes from a clip in-rehearsal - when he barks at the pianist "tempo!! what's the matter with you?" xD
One thing is without doubt: Celibidache is an incredible teacher. I learnt so much just from watching his documentary!!! Though I don't agree with everything he says (only natural i think... or else i'd just be like a guard dog or yes-man), and there are some things in the documentary he said which I don't understand ... but I'm so glad Coach introduced me to his vids. Actually I stumbled upon his documentary a little by accident. A day or two I saw Coach post a Fb status, and even changed his Ig status to "You don't do anything, you let it evolve" ... and did not have a blinking clue as to what he was on about. Then yesterday as I watched more Celibidache, it suddenly appeared.
Somehow I feel a bit like I've intruded on Coach's privacy and his "space".
--
Anyway. back to Enescu's Romanian Rhapsody (which he composed at 19!!!). *v* Played this with YSO a couple years back and had a blast, one of those pieces that really stuck in my mind and I'd instantly be able to play the whole thing through if you gave me the cello score xD
It's such a fun piece! And "fun" is exactly what Celibidache gave in this vid. Such charisma! Such life he breathed into it! Shake of the hips here, twitch of the fingers there, stroke of the hair (such flamboyance... though I can't deny it doesnt suit him or that I don't like it, lol~) ... I had so much fun just watching him conduct. His facial expressions are priceless.
"Experience". Not just understand. - what Celibidache emphasised in the documentary. And again another reference to Coach - "music is not a bunch of cues". In Celibidache's direct words - "music is not just notes or intonation."
He also said, "you cannot define music". But, when you hear it, you will be able to say "that is music". Simply, "that's it". Not "that's beautiful, wonderful ...", but ... as direct as can possibly be, "that's it"!
And "he (his student) must find the reality behind the notes on his own. Reality that can't be interpreted". For it is not Celibidache's interpretation. Celibidache didn't write it. For the composer started with the experience and came to find the notes, whereas we start with the notes and come to find the experience. Wow. that really struck me hard. Just reading it, makes perfect sense. Of course. But when you think deeper ... really gives you a reality check. Perhaps that's what makes him so legendary.
And whilst I toil through my study, I shall engrave Celibidache's words into the back of my mind - find the reality that can't be interpreted. There is beauty within the music, and I will come to find that beneath beauty there lies truth.
Thank you Coach, thank you Celibidache~!
Wednesday, April 16, 2014
RC Choir 2013-14 #4
16.04.2014 1430
"We are each of us angels with only one wing, and we can only fly embracing each other" - Luciano De Crescenzo
"Many people will walk in and out of our life, but only true friends will leave footprints in your heart" - Eleanor Roosevelt
"Music speaks what cannot be expressed, soothes the mind and gives it rest, heals the heart and makes it whole, flows from heaven to the soul"
"When you are enjoying life time flies by, when you are not it stands still, though in reflection of this stillness, the observant may note how much of it has passed, and how much has been wasted"
"When people bother you in any way, it is because their souls are trying to get your divine attention and your blessing" - Catherine Ponder
"Do all the good you can, by all the means you can, in all the ways you can, in all the places you can, at all the times you can, to all the people you can, as long as ever you can" - John Wesley
"Participate joyfully in the sorrows of the world. We cannot cure the world of sorrows, but we can choose to live in joy" - Joseph Campbell
"The journey of life is like a man riding a bicycle. We know he got on the bicycle and started to move. We know that at some point he will stop and get off. We know that if he stops moving and does not get off he will fall off" - William Golding
"Life is intrinsically, well, boring and dangerous at the same time. At any given moment the floor may open up. Of course, it almost never does; that's what makes it so boring" - Edward Gorey
--
And somehow though yesterday was essentially, what may be said to be the "farewell" rehearsal of rehearsals (double pun haha get it?) ... and in my heart I was crying cos I really didn't want it to end right there, right then ... but somehow all I could feel externally, was an unexplained joy.
Perhaps I was disappointed by the turnout. 2 sopranos (only one of who can sing @ farewell), 3 altos (2 can sing @ farewell), 2 tenors, and 2 basses (1 in the beginning). Just admit it, I scared the others away. Hmm...
Anyway. This undescribable joy. Wasn't total "yay omg happiest day of my life" kind of joy. But a slight flutter, the kind that makes you just wanna keep smiling ... y'know?
And the joy extended, and stuck by my side throughout the whole night, and even this morning it still hasn't totally vanished yet. Though it's slowly being eliminated by ... other things. ><
Anyway, the joy got so powerful at one point that I decided to change my profile pic. Like, spontaneously. Haha. Didn't know where that came from. Since I don't really fb much (though yes I stalk infrequenty... and yes I scroll through newsfeed sometimes...)
And used a pic from that happy day at Disney......... I mean, Inspiration Lake. Haha, just off Disneyland, but part of the Disney premises. Was a bit of a surprise, really. At first I was really reluctant to go, being a joint-floor activity and all. And on a Sunday. Pretty much consumed the whole day (cooking in the morning, picnic in the afternoon, then dinner at Hall tgt).
But it was also unimaginably fun. And when you truly have fun, whatever you do, it brings out the best in you. Perhaps I was very stressed out, and that little bit of fun cheered me up immensely. And it resulted in a very happy pic~ xD
And today ... I still feel remnants of this joy. This joy that somehow managed to get me to volunteer to play piano for 讓生命圓滿 last night at rehearsal. The heck did I do. I had no idea where that courage came from. Again, a spontaneous decision I somehow made on the spot. Grade 3 sight reading for the win :P
And today since I was still happy, I decided to bash on the piano for a while. And though my sight reading skills absolutely suck (don't ask me how I managed to get through to the end in ytd's rehearsal), I found that I had let my studies overwhelm me, and having music by my side really comforted and soothed my soul.
Which then made me wonder ... a while ago I had come to an agreement with my inner self (yes, I'm an introvert and I talk to my inner self ... o_o) that music and medicine pretty sum up my life and help me stick on my path of discovering the meaning and purpose out there in the dark dark world. But that I'm struggling to find the balance.
And now it feels like medicine, not that I have lost the passion for it, but it has become a bit of a burden. And as a result I have turned more and more towards music.
But it can't work that way, I know. Because being my field of study in uni, I have a duty to "pass" my exams. Or else I'd get kicked out. Conversely ... there is no "failing" in music.
Coach said. "Keep find(ing) it. You know it can be found eventually".
I know it's true. And I'm trying so hard to stick to this mindset. But it just kills me inside when there are no guidelines to follow, or when I let medicine burden me, or when I burden myself with my music in order to wipe out the gaping holes that medicine has left in me. Perhaps it's only because the preclinical years are rather cumbersome. And that next year, when I start going out to clinics and hospital wards and actually gaining a much wider exposure to actual "medicine", that fire will relight in my eyes, and that flame will burn strongly in my heart once again.
But in order to get there. Need to pass year 2 exams first. Argh.
Joy. think joy.
Give 200% in all you do, and have fun no matter what. My two rules in life.
Make meaning out of study and revision~ :)
the morning after the final regular RC Choir rehearsal of 2013-14.
eating lunch. (finally hungry???)
莫名其妙的快樂.
experiences shape who we are. every day, every minute, every second of our lives. It's unpredictable - you never know what might happen the next second. That's also what makes life fun - who wants to know everything that will happen in their lives anyway?
I love quotes. Ever since my first smartphone, on which one of the first apps I chanced upon was "50,000 inspirational quotes", I've spent far too much time browsing through them.
A selective few that's on my fb profile:
A selective few that's on my fb profile:
"We are each of us angels with only one wing, and we can only fly embracing each other" - Luciano De Crescenzo
"Many people will walk in and out of our life, but only true friends will leave footprints in your heart" - Eleanor Roosevelt
"Music speaks what cannot be expressed, soothes the mind and gives it rest, heals the heart and makes it whole, flows from heaven to the soul"
"When you are enjoying life time flies by, when you are not it stands still, though in reflection of this stillness, the observant may note how much of it has passed, and how much has been wasted"
"When people bother you in any way, it is because their souls are trying to get your divine attention and your blessing" - Catherine Ponder
"Do all the good you can, by all the means you can, in all the ways you can, in all the places you can, at all the times you can, to all the people you can, as long as ever you can" - John Wesley
"Participate joyfully in the sorrows of the world. We cannot cure the world of sorrows, but we can choose to live in joy" - Joseph Campbell
"The journey of life is like a man riding a bicycle. We know he got on the bicycle and started to move. We know that at some point he will stop and get off. We know that if he stops moving and does not get off he will fall off" - William Golding
"Life is intrinsically, well, boring and dangerous at the same time. At any given moment the floor may open up. Of course, it almost never does; that's what makes it so boring" - Edward Gorey
--
And somehow though yesterday was essentially, what may be said to be the "farewell" rehearsal of rehearsals (double pun haha get it?) ... and in my heart I was crying cos I really didn't want it to end right there, right then ... but somehow all I could feel externally, was an unexplained joy.
Perhaps I was disappointed by the turnout. 2 sopranos (only one of who can sing @ farewell), 3 altos (2 can sing @ farewell), 2 tenors, and 2 basses (1 in the beginning). Just admit it, I scared the others away. Hmm...
Anyway. This undescribable joy. Wasn't total "yay omg happiest day of my life" kind of joy. But a slight flutter, the kind that makes you just wanna keep smiling ... y'know?
And the joy extended, and stuck by my side throughout the whole night, and even this morning it still hasn't totally vanished yet. Though it's slowly being eliminated by ... other things. ><
Anyway, the joy got so powerful at one point that I decided to change my profile pic. Like, spontaneously. Haha. Didn't know where that came from. Since I don't really fb much (though yes I stalk infrequenty... and yes I scroll through newsfeed sometimes...)
And used a pic from that happy day at Disney......... I mean, Inspiration Lake. Haha, just off Disneyland, but part of the Disney premises. Was a bit of a surprise, really. At first I was really reluctant to go, being a joint-floor activity and all. And on a Sunday. Pretty much consumed the whole day (cooking in the morning, picnic in the afternoon, then dinner at Hall tgt).
But it was also unimaginably fun. And when you truly have fun, whatever you do, it brings out the best in you. Perhaps I was very stressed out, and that little bit of fun cheered me up immensely. And it resulted in a very happy pic~ xD
And today ... I still feel remnants of this joy. This joy that somehow managed to get me to volunteer to play piano for 讓生命圓滿 last night at rehearsal. The heck did I do. I had no idea where that courage came from. Again, a spontaneous decision I somehow made on the spot. Grade 3 sight reading for the win :P
And today since I was still happy, I decided to bash on the piano for a while. And though my sight reading skills absolutely suck (don't ask me how I managed to get through to the end in ytd's rehearsal), I found that I had let my studies overwhelm me, and having music by my side really comforted and soothed my soul.
Which then made me wonder ... a while ago I had come to an agreement with my inner self (yes, I'm an introvert and I talk to my inner self ... o_o) that music and medicine pretty sum up my life and help me stick on my path of discovering the meaning and purpose out there in the dark dark world. But that I'm struggling to find the balance.
And now it feels like medicine, not that I have lost the passion for it, but it has become a bit of a burden. And as a result I have turned more and more towards music.
But it can't work that way, I know. Because being my field of study in uni, I have a duty to "pass" my exams. Or else I'd get kicked out. Conversely ... there is no "failing" in music.
Coach said. "Keep find(ing) it. You know it can be found eventually".
I know it's true. And I'm trying so hard to stick to this mindset. But it just kills me inside when there are no guidelines to follow, or when I let medicine burden me, or when I burden myself with my music in order to wipe out the gaping holes that medicine has left in me. Perhaps it's only because the preclinical years are rather cumbersome. And that next year, when I start going out to clinics and hospital wards and actually gaining a much wider exposure to actual "medicine", that fire will relight in my eyes, and that flame will burn strongly in my heart once again.
But in order to get there. Need to pass year 2 exams first. Argh.
Joy. think joy.
Give 200% in all you do, and have fun no matter what. My two rules in life.
Make meaning out of study and revision~ :)
2CELLOS on 1 cello! Every Teardrop Is a Waterfall - Coldplay
so much joy watching 2CELLOS :') every. single. time.!!!
Monday, April 14, 2014
Study Pressure Post #1
I just wanna study. roar.
The problem with being too involved in hall ... taking up so many posts ... (though yes ultimately all of these are my own choices, is this the consequence I brought down on myself?!)
... the problem is that there are 99999999999999999999999 gazillion little tiny itty bitty bits of this and that that require constant bickering about, require constant monitoring, constant chasing him and her, constant "caring" about. just wanna fling it all off my plate. and study.
never have i wanted so desperately to focus on one thing: study.
well, never in uni, should i say.
just wanna go back to those days before my public exams - GCSE, IB.
just stuck in my Dad's office early each morning with only one mission to fulfill each day: study. Easy? Back then, relatively so.
and the fact that hall people just treat medics like BA students doesn't help at all. Now please don't get me wrong, I'm not looking down on Arts students, I love you guys, my best friend is an Arts student and I totally respect her. But it's just so different, our timetables, our academic schedules, our deadlines. My bff has three days off a week whilst I probably only have one "accidental" day off per semester. My "roommate" (if you know what i mean) has constant 1230 classes and waltzes back at mid-afternoon grabbing people to have afternoon tea with her. (no, please, don't have a bad impression on her based on this description. ofc i'm just exaggerating).
But you get my flow.
And now that medics have hit study-leave and exam season ...
Can i just leave everything else aside.
Probably even the smallest one is also the most annoying - Interfloor basketball competition. It was originally set in early April ... but due to IHP booking problems we ended up settling for 26th April. And now IHP says the hoop or net is broken and they gotta fix it so they cant offer us our original timeslot.
And even though the captains of the boys team have kindly offered to take up most of the admin and communicating work. I still gotta know about these things as one of the (smaller, small potato) organisers of this event. And I'm in charge of the posters. Damn. Thank goodness we haven't printed millions of copies yet.
And I was thinking of going late or leaving early for it, cos the whole thing lasts for 6 hours T_T. But as a captain and an organiser ... no chance. I hate being irresponsible. Hate escaping my duties. If I agree to do something, I must see that it is 200% completed before I push it aside. Bad habit. Sometimes.
As I said to my groupmates in Ocamp last year ... during some deep talk session which was surprisingly fun considering I hate talking and being socially awkward and all ... (again pls don't take me as a mad psychopath, I promise you I'm fully sane and fully human ...), before in high school whenever I partnered up for any type of work ... I'd work my ass off to get my part done early, and if my partner didn't, I made sure his/her part was also up to scratch. And I never went to bed without completing my work first. You know how some people wake up early to work. I could never do that. So instead, I stay up late.
"No rest is worth anything except the rest that is earned".
The first time I saw this quote, was on my brother's laptop a few years back. I didn't know what it meant back then, but I didn't dare ask my brother. In case he laughed at me for being too dumb to understand. (shh).
Now I do. And I totally believe in it. Even though sometimes I do get too tired and fall asleep without putting in that 10% more. Don't take me as a perfectionist, by no means am I one.
I just wanna study.
The problem with being too involved in hall ... taking up so many posts ... (though yes ultimately all of these are my own choices, is this the consequence I brought down on myself?!)
... the problem is that there are 99999999999999999999999 gazillion little tiny itty bitty bits of this and that that require constant bickering about, require constant monitoring, constant chasing him and her, constant "caring" about. just wanna fling it all off my plate. and study.
never have i wanted so desperately to focus on one thing: study.
well, never in uni, should i say.
just wanna go back to those days before my public exams - GCSE, IB.
just stuck in my Dad's office early each morning with only one mission to fulfill each day: study. Easy? Back then, relatively so.
and the fact that hall people just treat medics like BA students doesn't help at all. Now please don't get me wrong, I'm not looking down on Arts students, I love you guys, my best friend is an Arts student and I totally respect her. But it's just so different, our timetables, our academic schedules, our deadlines. My bff has three days off a week whilst I probably only have one "accidental" day off per semester. My "roommate" (if you know what i mean) has constant 1230 classes and waltzes back at mid-afternoon grabbing people to have afternoon tea with her. (no, please, don't have a bad impression on her based on this description. ofc i'm just exaggerating).
But you get my flow.
And now that medics have hit study-leave and exam season ...
Can i just leave everything else aside.
Probably even the smallest one is also the most annoying - Interfloor basketball competition. It was originally set in early April ... but due to IHP booking problems we ended up settling for 26th April. And now IHP says the hoop or net is broken and they gotta fix it so they cant offer us our original timeslot.
And even though the captains of the boys team have kindly offered to take up most of the admin and communicating work. I still gotta know about these things as one of the (smaller, small potato) organisers of this event. And I'm in charge of the posters. Damn. Thank goodness we haven't printed millions of copies yet.
And I was thinking of going late or leaving early for it, cos the whole thing lasts for 6 hours T_T. But as a captain and an organiser ... no chance. I hate being irresponsible. Hate escaping my duties. If I agree to do something, I must see that it is 200% completed before I push it aside. Bad habit. Sometimes.
As I said to my groupmates in Ocamp last year ... during some deep talk session which was surprisingly fun considering I hate talking and being socially awkward and all ... (again pls don't take me as a mad psychopath, I promise you I'm fully sane and fully human ...), before in high school whenever I partnered up for any type of work ... I'd work my ass off to get my part done early, and if my partner didn't, I made sure his/her part was also up to scratch. And I never went to bed without completing my work first. You know how some people wake up early to work. I could never do that. So instead, I stay up late.
"No rest is worth anything except the rest that is earned".
The first time I saw this quote, was on my brother's laptop a few years back. I didn't know what it meant back then, but I didn't dare ask my brother. In case he laughed at me for being too dumb to understand. (shh).
Now I do. And I totally believe in it. Even though sometimes I do get too tired and fall asleep without putting in that 10% more. Don't take me as a perfectionist, by no means am I one.
I just wanna study.
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