Spectacular Salsa - Paddy & Nico - Electric Ballroom | Britain's Got Tal...

Nico: "She (Paddy) can. Old people can. If you want, you can."

Brings me back to what Coach said. "Don't look down (on) yourself. You will be what you wanna be".

Truer words hath nought been spoken before.

Yet ... I don't have the courage to do it. U of Sydney BMus+MD programme ... me? I can't even take myself seriously, I'd be the laughing stock of everyone. Especially now that I've (almost) finished year 2 MBBS here in hk. And my grades aren't exactly respectable. To be dead honest ... I'm below average. Near the bottom of my class. Though I've never cared much about it since we don't have GPA anyway. And as my dad has always said, "a pass is a pass". Just like in high school. "An A* is an A*. A bad A* is still an A*. Who cares if you scored 90% or 100%. On that single piece of paper ... to ignorant people giving you the offer ... A* is what they will see".

I know I should just 知足常樂 ... I have had some of the greatest opportunities in life. Really blessed. Some days I just feel like saying "I've had my time. Perhaps it's time to move on". But to be dead honest ... how can I just leave something that I've thrown myself into, poured my heart into ... for my whole life?

From starting baby piano lessons at Tom Lee - those Yamaha courses that you take with your mom ... haha, except that my parents were always busy and so my Grandma always accompanied me :')
- my first exposure to music when i was 4-5
- then my first encounter at those Music Office outreach days and trying the string instruments (at that time my brother had already chosen saxophone, and so my mom brought me to a string session) when i was 7
- to my first failure to enroll in Music Office
- to my second (successful) attempt to pass the "audition" and earn myself a place in the elementary cello course at Music Office when i was 8.
- to my first taste of orchestral training when i was 9. (just the junior school orchestra, but at that time it was a big deal!!!)
- to my first tour with YSO to Shanghai for the 2010 Expo.
- to jamming and ensemble playing with my closest buddies and eventually showcasing our wonderful Brahms Piano Trio no.1 and "earning" the Best Senior Ensemble and Ensemble of the Year "awards" in my final year.
- to RC Choir ... my first "real" taste of choral music and the impact and influence of a brilliant Coach.
- to actual conducting ...

unlike some people :( i feel that my musical journey has been rather smooth, though I have thought of stepping away and moving on to try newer things at times. But every time I try to do so ... it pulls me back. If I had really wanted to leave, I wouldn't have stayed in YSO for so long. I first joined in 2007 and since then it has never crossed my mind NOT to reapply each year. Even though I am getting quite old compared to my other cello-mates, who are mostly still high school kids. Though sometimes I am thankful I don't look (that) old. :P as I have mentioned somewhere before ... I was always happy. Though lacking in confidence ... never once has music made me depressed.

That's the power of music. Always uplifting, always encouraging, always pushing you to your limits. Just depends on how much oomph you wanna give back in.

Or the pressures of peers, media, society.

Or back to the fundamental question. What is "good" music. What makes ppl wanna come tgt and appreciate music with similar values. Why is some music more "appealing" than others. Why is there such a criteria. When indeed there should be none (or at least, no strict ones...) ... why can music be so competitive.

And back to my question. What will happen in a few years (actually dangerously closer than i think ...) when I leave my comfortable musical surroundings and environment, venture out to the big cruel world ... where can I continue my music. It will never be the same as before, obviously I have realised that long ago. And ofc I will have to step out of my comfort zone - no more YSO, probably can't be so involved in RC Choir ...

to be dead honest. i hate trying new things. hate breaking out of my comfort zone. though sometimes it is not necessarily such a bad thing ... i feel like in order to try new things i have to sacrifice old things. and i dont wanna leave the past behind. as depressing as some of the past is ... it has also given me so much to reminisce on. and using that powers me, keeps driving me forward.

they say, when you wanna give up ... think of where you started. just see how far you've come. then you'll know your journey must certainly not end here.

that's why i'm still here. that's why the flame in my heart is still burning. that's how i keep the fire lit in my eyes. as small as an impact as i'm making ... as few people as i am reaching out to ...

it keeps me human. i am who i am.

there is no old me, new me, real me. i am me. and i will never be anyone else but me.

resilience.