Tuesday, March 24, 2015
Monday, February 2, 2015
Hockey #6
20150202 2130
Monday night.
National squad training.
But wait, no. A clash. It's basketball night, a friendly with Swire hall. Tipoff at 7pm.
Basketball season has just begun, and out first interhall match of the year is on Thursday up against Hysan.
Under any other circumstances I would make way for all basketball (without clashing with Choir, of course)... but now, with squad training ... I don't know how to prioritise again.
Coach Arif held a squad team meeting last Friday, where he talked about immediate goals (now), short term (1-2 years), middle term (3-5 years), and long term goals (6-9 years). Most of all, he talked about commitment. And passion.
I don't know whether I should take him literally, but in his own words, he said, he didn't mind if we arrived late to training, be it 7.30pm (start time), 8pm, 9pm, even 9.30pm for footwork drills with the mini hurdles and ladders and stuff.
So, being the smartass I am with excellent time management that I most certainly possess ... I thought, basketball friendly will start and end on time for sure.
Bzzt. Wrong again.
Start time 7pm?
Nah. More like 7.30pm.
End time 8pm?
Nah. Ended at 8.45pm.
So King's Park in Jordan? I guess just under an hour. But with waiting time, walking time, delay time, this and that ... no way was I gonna reach there before 10pm closing time. How shameful.
I feel so guilty now. I know today I let down so many people.
In the morning, pantry was in absolute chaos, 4th world war. And I didn't do a single scrap of tidying before leaving for class.
Was late for my 0830 lecture, and elected to hop off down the lateral aisle on the far side, whereby distracting classmates. Got told off by the professor as a whole class at the end of the lecture. Oops.
Made my 10am appointment at the Chest Clinic in Sai Ying Pun, to check out my tuberculin skin test results. All fine, felt a bit hostile today, and the doctor only saw me for a grand total of 30 seconds, just to say, "you're perfectly fine, no TB, skin test induration is less than 10mm, we'll get your report done within 10 working days, now off you go". Ended up leaving at 11.45am... hmm ...
So was mega late for public health tutorial which was supposed to run from 1030 to 1230. By the time I arrived our tutor Dr Tian was already in the final stages of summarising and going around the table for feedback. Oops again.
Lunch was great, we had K-BBQ.
Afternoon tutorial was fine with a hilarious obstetrician & gynecologist, Dr Aaron Kwok Chi Wai.
Then came nightfall.
First of all, I missed Derek baba's handball interhall match, which I did not even know he was still playing in. Turns out they lost to Swire hall by 1 point and it was devastating for the team.
Then, I had to miss out on most of Jenga's female softball interhall match, due to our basketball friendly. Half the team were my floormates - van, cm, amiee, yw (teamcap), and old ghost Rita too. So it was heartwrenching to see them shine on the softball pitch for just a few minutes before having to pop next door to the basketball court.
Basketball friendly was uneventful. Felt like I let down my Coach Fung Gor, teammates, and myself, as I missed many steals and many fastbreak layups. Ugh. So pissed off at myself!!!
Then as I was thinking about heading off to hockey training at King's Park ... I realised time was way overdue. It was 2045 by the time I lined up for the minibus, which was filled with other hall people having just finished some hockey or lacrosse training at P2. I decided to give up that night's hockey training.
And when I returned to hall, I had to face the dreaded message to the national squad Manager (actually not even sure if she's manager, she's in charge of international liaison and seeing who stays on the squad and who's not fit to carry on) ... anyway, Miranda, I played in our club Shaheen B's league matches with her a couple times, she's fantastic, a striker, former national squad starter, and highly experienced and decorated.
She was perfectly nice, but I could tell I let her and the squad down.
I feel terrible. How can I not?
I hate disappointing people, most of all myself.
How can I get over myself!!! How!!!!!
Monday night.
National squad training.
But wait, no. A clash. It's basketball night, a friendly with Swire hall. Tipoff at 7pm.
Basketball season has just begun, and out first interhall match of the year is on Thursday up against Hysan.
Under any other circumstances I would make way for all basketball (without clashing with Choir, of course)... but now, with squad training ... I don't know how to prioritise again.
Coach Arif held a squad team meeting last Friday, where he talked about immediate goals (now), short term (1-2 years), middle term (3-5 years), and long term goals (6-9 years). Most of all, he talked about commitment. And passion.
I don't know whether I should take him literally, but in his own words, he said, he didn't mind if we arrived late to training, be it 7.30pm (start time), 8pm, 9pm, even 9.30pm for footwork drills with the mini hurdles and ladders and stuff.
So, being the smartass I am with excellent time management that I most certainly possess ... I thought, basketball friendly will start and end on time for sure.
Bzzt. Wrong again.
Start time 7pm?
Nah. More like 7.30pm.
End time 8pm?
Nah. Ended at 8.45pm.
So King's Park in Jordan? I guess just under an hour. But with waiting time, walking time, delay time, this and that ... no way was I gonna reach there before 10pm closing time. How shameful.
I feel so guilty now. I know today I let down so many people.
In the morning, pantry was in absolute chaos, 4th world war. And I didn't do a single scrap of tidying before leaving for class.
Was late for my 0830 lecture, and elected to hop off down the lateral aisle on the far side, whereby distracting classmates. Got told off by the professor as a whole class at the end of the lecture. Oops.
Made my 10am appointment at the Chest Clinic in Sai Ying Pun, to check out my tuberculin skin test results. All fine, felt a bit hostile today, and the doctor only saw me for a grand total of 30 seconds, just to say, "you're perfectly fine, no TB, skin test induration is less than 10mm, we'll get your report done within 10 working days, now off you go". Ended up leaving at 11.45am... hmm ...
So was mega late for public health tutorial which was supposed to run from 1030 to 1230. By the time I arrived our tutor Dr Tian was already in the final stages of summarising and going around the table for feedback. Oops again.
Lunch was great, we had K-BBQ.
Afternoon tutorial was fine with a hilarious obstetrician & gynecologist, Dr Aaron Kwok Chi Wai.
Then came nightfall.
First of all, I missed Derek baba's handball interhall match, which I did not even know he was still playing in. Turns out they lost to Swire hall by 1 point and it was devastating for the team.
Then, I had to miss out on most of Jenga's female softball interhall match, due to our basketball friendly. Half the team were my floormates - van, cm, amiee, yw (teamcap), and old ghost Rita too. So it was heartwrenching to see them shine on the softball pitch for just a few minutes before having to pop next door to the basketball court.
Basketball friendly was uneventful. Felt like I let down my Coach Fung Gor, teammates, and myself, as I missed many steals and many fastbreak layups. Ugh. So pissed off at myself!!!
Then as I was thinking about heading off to hockey training at King's Park ... I realised time was way overdue. It was 2045 by the time I lined up for the minibus, which was filled with other hall people having just finished some hockey or lacrosse training at P2. I decided to give up that night's hockey training.
And when I returned to hall, I had to face the dreaded message to the national squad Manager (actually not even sure if she's manager, she's in charge of international liaison and seeing who stays on the squad and who's not fit to carry on) ... anyway, Miranda, I played in our club Shaheen B's league matches with her a couple times, she's fantastic, a striker, former national squad starter, and highly experienced and decorated.
She was perfectly nice, but I could tell I let her and the squad down.
I feel terrible. How can I not?
I hate disappointing people, most of all myself.
How can I get over myself!!! How!!!!!
Friday, January 23, 2015
Hockey #5
20150123 2600
National squad training tonight.
I bailed on Monday training, partly due to fear, partly due to period pain. The period pain was probably exacerbated by the fear.
I bailed again on Thursday training, due to basketball and choir. Again and again I need to remind myself of my promise - I will never let anything compromise my music. It's true, I place music on top of sports, and especially choir.
So Friday training was my first and only training this week... I knew that the others might hate me for it, I suppose they all did some fitness training on Monday or Thursday, and that by Friday Coach (Arif) would already realise the squad was drained and would not make us run again.
My guess was correct.
Yet I was still struggling to keep up and very much out of breath by the last training drill towards the end of training.
I have a long long looooong way to go.
But I was quite glad I went today.
Albeit being late by 20 mins due to having a rest after Paedi bedside teaching, then catching the 970 late (no 970x...) and traffic in Austin & Jordan.
It was much happier today, only one thought on my mind: if Coach has no problem with your poor commitment, then I will go for training's sake. Just here to stick to the shadows and learn from the Greats and stay humble. Don't offend anyone or get in anyone's way and you'll be fine.
And with that, one simple thought, no fear, no worries, no burden... it all became easy. Just be yourself. Just play hockey. Just do it. What you do best. It's what made the training so much more bearable and enjoyable and fresh. You come to training, you only got one goal and only one thing should be in your mind: to get better. This is what young Logan taught me, from Masterchef Junior Season 2. To get better. Good, better, best - never let it rest.
Just work it. Sweat, and determination, and willpower, and a fighting spirit. To beat myself. To overcome my challenges every time I'm on the pitch.
Will play in Shaheen B's league match tomorrow evening against LHT A. Let's see what we can make out of it!
National squad training tonight.
I bailed on Monday training, partly due to fear, partly due to period pain. The period pain was probably exacerbated by the fear.
I bailed again on Thursday training, due to basketball and choir. Again and again I need to remind myself of my promise - I will never let anything compromise my music. It's true, I place music on top of sports, and especially choir.
So Friday training was my first and only training this week... I knew that the others might hate me for it, I suppose they all did some fitness training on Monday or Thursday, and that by Friday Coach (Arif) would already realise the squad was drained and would not make us run again.
My guess was correct.
Yet I was still struggling to keep up and very much out of breath by the last training drill towards the end of training.
I have a long long looooong way to go.
But I was quite glad I went today.
Albeit being late by 20 mins due to having a rest after Paedi bedside teaching, then catching the 970 late (no 970x...) and traffic in Austin & Jordan.
It was much happier today, only one thought on my mind: if Coach has no problem with your poor commitment, then I will go for training's sake. Just here to stick to the shadows and learn from the Greats and stay humble. Don't offend anyone or get in anyone's way and you'll be fine.
And with that, one simple thought, no fear, no worries, no burden... it all became easy. Just be yourself. Just play hockey. Just do it. What you do best. It's what made the training so much more bearable and enjoyable and fresh. You come to training, you only got one goal and only one thing should be in your mind: to get better. This is what young Logan taught me, from Masterchef Junior Season 2. To get better. Good, better, best - never let it rest.
Just work it. Sweat, and determination, and willpower, and a fighting spirit. To beat myself. To overcome my challenges every time I'm on the pitch.
Will play in Shaheen B's league match tomorrow evening against LHT A. Let's see what we can make out of it!
Tuesday, January 20, 2015
Monday, January 19, 2015
Hockey #4
20150119 2100
Manager just called. A short one, but agonising, uplifting, encouraging, killing, fiery.
I was very reluctant to pick up.
The night before, she released the namelist of the training squad. I counted maybe 25-30 names on there, the final squad to any competition should have 18 if I remember correctly. Not that that was on my mind anyway.
The moment I saw the email, with "congratulations" as the first line, my heart sank. This was not the conclusion, or the beginning, that I'd hoped for.
She said, in that fateful phone call, she understood that I had my other commitments, so did other players. After all, in Hong Kong, even at this level, no one plays profesionally, all of us have our own lives and work and school to attend to, so she can allow me to skip Thursdays. (i know you're gonna read this some day, and yes, I initially rejected the national squad due to thursday trainings clashing with choir !!! call me a fool or whatever but i really gotta sort my priorities straight). Even if I can't come on some Mondays and Fridays, she's perfectly okay with that. She said, the team of Coaches and Managers carefully handpicked the team members cos they really believe these girls got a lot of potential going on for them and they'd really love to try develop them, see what they can get out of us, so it would be a mega shame to let us go just like that.
Honestly, I don't believe I am much of a player to continue developing, as my future is straight - once I hit Year 5 I'm out, and beyond that there's just no more time for training or whatnot! How can I let hockey get in the way of my patients!
Or even now! How can I let hockey get in my way of creating wonderful music I promised myself to?
For God's sake, I'm a third year medical student, a music potato, and a player on multiple sports teams. Not an athlete! Not in any way.
I know what my dream was 12 years ago. Primary 4 Chinese essay, titled my dream, or dream career, or my future, whatever.
"To be a doctor, musician, and athlete."
Perhaps predominantly doctor full-time (check - full-time 24/6 0830-1730 medical student)
and part-time musician (err, half check - choral conductor on Tuesdays and Thursdays, youth orchestra cellist on Sundays)
and part-time athlete (no! team player only! semi-check - faculty soccer & basketball competitions during sem 1, hall basketball training weekly, hall hockey training weekly, club hockey training weekly, hockey league matches on Saturdays, and now national squad training TRIweekly - Monday Thursday AND Friday - of which I will skip Thursdays for choir.
I made a promise to myself, that I would never compromise any of my music for sports. Unless it was cos I was gonna fail medicine.
But now, hockey could be the reason I fail medicine.
But if I really had the heart, I would've rejected the Manager during that phone call.
That's me. Never able to say no to anyone. UGH. I'm sick of myself!!
I know I"ll never get a shot at overseas competitions with the national team. I'm far from that. Being on the training squad is already like finding a needle in a haystack for God's sake.
Why did I have to be "me"?
Why do all good things come to me?
Why does everything decide to crash on me NOW???
Why are there so many doors open for me, yet I choose to close one and look for another window??
I would really like to see inside of me. What am I made of?
Just elements. Water. Carbon. Oxygen. Hydrogen.
Just like everybody else.
Human.
So that's what you gotta be.
Just be human.
Just be yourself.
Just give it your all and more.
And take a break when it's really too much. (isn't that now ......??????)
omg.
Manager just called. A short one, but agonising, uplifting, encouraging, killing, fiery.
I was very reluctant to pick up.
The night before, she released the namelist of the training squad. I counted maybe 25-30 names on there, the final squad to any competition should have 18 if I remember correctly. Not that that was on my mind anyway.
The moment I saw the email, with "congratulations" as the first line, my heart sank. This was not the conclusion, or the beginning, that I'd hoped for.
She said, in that fateful phone call, she understood that I had my other commitments, so did other players. After all, in Hong Kong, even at this level, no one plays profesionally, all of us have our own lives and work and school to attend to, so she can allow me to skip Thursdays. (i know you're gonna read this some day, and yes, I initially rejected the national squad due to thursday trainings clashing with choir !!! call me a fool or whatever but i really gotta sort my priorities straight). Even if I can't come on some Mondays and Fridays, she's perfectly okay with that. She said, the team of Coaches and Managers carefully handpicked the team members cos they really believe these girls got a lot of potential going on for them and they'd really love to try develop them, see what they can get out of us, so it would be a mega shame to let us go just like that.
Honestly, I don't believe I am much of a player to continue developing, as my future is straight - once I hit Year 5 I'm out, and beyond that there's just no more time for training or whatnot! How can I let hockey get in the way of my patients!
Or even now! How can I let hockey get in my way of creating wonderful music I promised myself to?
For God's sake, I'm a third year medical student, a music potato, and a player on multiple sports teams. Not an athlete! Not in any way.
I know what my dream was 12 years ago. Primary 4 Chinese essay, titled my dream, or dream career, or my future, whatever.
"To be a doctor, musician, and athlete."
Perhaps predominantly doctor full-time (check - full-time 24/6 0830-1730 medical student)
and part-time musician (err, half check - choral conductor on Tuesdays and Thursdays, youth orchestra cellist on Sundays)
and part-time athlete (no! team player only! semi-check - faculty soccer & basketball competitions during sem 1, hall basketball training weekly, hall hockey training weekly, club hockey training weekly, hockey league matches on Saturdays, and now national squad training TRIweekly - Monday Thursday AND Friday - of which I will skip Thursdays for choir.
I made a promise to myself, that I would never compromise any of my music for sports. Unless it was cos I was gonna fail medicine.
But now, hockey could be the reason I fail medicine.
But if I really had the heart, I would've rejected the Manager during that phone call.
That's me. Never able to say no to anyone. UGH. I'm sick of myself!!
I know I"ll never get a shot at overseas competitions with the national team. I'm far from that. Being on the training squad is already like finding a needle in a haystack for God's sake.
Why did I have to be "me"?
Why do all good things come to me?
Why does everything decide to crash on me NOW???
Why are there so many doors open for me, yet I choose to close one and look for another window??
I would really like to see inside of me. What am I made of?
Just elements. Water. Carbon. Oxygen. Hydrogen.
Just like everybody else.
Human.
So that's what you gotta be.
Just be human.
Just be yourself.
Just give it your all and more.
And take a break when it's really too much. (isn't that now ......??????)
omg.
Sunday, January 18, 2015
Hockey #3
20140118 2600
Just sent a very heavy email to the national squad manager.
I am very fearful for her response.
But for now, sleep.
I won't give up music for hockey. No matter what. Not even for the national squad.
Just sent a very heavy email to the national squad manager.
I am very fearful for her response.
But for now, sleep.
I won't give up music for hockey. No matter what. Not even for the national squad.
Hockey #2
20150118 2400
我不知該怎樣說，不知該跟誰說，不知如何到達這個地步。
。。。
我被選入女hockey港隊senior training squad。
。。。
下？？？什麽？？？
咪玩啦。
對，自己也不敢相信，甚至不想被選。但是，training squad已經confirm了。剛剛三個小時前收到不該收的email 。。。
雖然不是正式出去外地打國際球賽的港隊 final squad，但是也要commit, 訓練要達到國際球賽的水平。不知應該想什麽，只知自己很亂很煩很不知所措。
我心想。。。害人害己。心底非常沉重，不敢面對這事實。
早前已post 。。。 整件事來的太突然，實在毫無心理準備，令人忐忑、不安、恐懼。
我不配。
只會拖累大家。
更何妨。。。我沒有時間。
不可能的。
明天要跟教練談談。
媽媽呀我很亂呀爲什麽會到達這個地步呀！！！！！
我不知該怎樣說，不知該跟誰說，不知如何到達這個地步。
。。。
我被選入女hockey港隊senior training squad。
。。。
下？？？什麽？？？
咪玩啦。
對，自己也不敢相信，甚至不想被選。但是，training squad已經confirm了。剛剛三個小時前收到不該收的email 。。。
雖然不是正式出去外地打國際球賽的港隊 final squad，但是也要commit, 訓練要達到國際球賽的水平。不知應該想什麽，只知自己很亂很煩很不知所措。
我心想。。。害人害己。心底非常沉重，不敢面對這事實。
早前已post 。。。 整件事來的太突然，實在毫無心理準備，令人忐忑、不安、恐懼。
我不配。
只會拖累大家。
更何妨。。。我沒有時間。
不可能的。
明天要跟教練談談。
媽媽呀我很亂呀爲什麽會到達這個地步呀！！！！！
Thursday, January 8, 2015
Hockey #1
20150108 星期四 2430
20150108.
今天，我做了20年平凡人生裏最瘋狂的事。
我跟了港隊訓練。
下？？？什麽？？？
對，沒錯，自己也嚇壞了。
早已收到球會師姐轉發的電郵，香港曲棍球總會（女子部門）將會舉行港隊公開訓練，歡迎所有屬下球會球員來“跟操”，爲了備戰2015年林林總總的國際球賽。
當時完全無視了那封email，因爲沒什麽大興趣，好像昨天才開始打hockey的小薯仔又怎會突飛猛進可以有資格去呢？
錯。
星期一，港隊2015年第一次公開訓練，當然我沒理會正在hall内溫書。
星期一晚上2300，球會總教練（同時也當任港隊總教練，也是RC男team教練，及球會senior女team A教練，也即是不是直接我的主教練，而且沒有認識我多久（兩個月吧...）突然facebook dm我親自邀請我去下一個港隊公開訓練。我呆了起碼半小時吧。不敢回復。不敢想象。不敢面對。沒有用，什麽的不敢，快要連做人早上起床也不敢了。... :'(
機會殺到，當然要第一時間搶，便口急急答應了。意料之中，答應了之後那刻就心慌慌了。從來也沒有那麽害怕，同時閒也從滿期待，興奮。
Why me?
Why not me?
不斷在想這兩個問題。也不敢跟別人說。其實已心知不妙，我只是個初學者，怎樣看也不配跟港隊訓練。不太在意其他人怎樣看我，只知道自己的Level比她們差999999倍。哈哈。不是開玩笑喔，真的。很多basic skills我剛新學或還沒學，也沒主動找人教我。
那究竟教練（Arif）爲何會看得上我呢？我絕對不是什麽明日之星，也不是特別年幼，有潛質，可以花時間培育我。
我想，應該要告訴他，其實，我是全職三年級醫科學生，兼職音樂薯仔，兼職運動卒仔。20嵗女孩只懂讀書玩音樂玩球類活動... 沒有空間發展我吧。普通打聯賽便可。
但是我哪有勇氣say no? 這個別人一生也沒有的機會，竟然再次放在我眼前，我不爭取就代表我白痴嗎？？？
最後，決定了既然答應了便要守承諾，抱著謙虛學習的態度。我非常敬佩香港隊。之前跟球會的developmental team (其實是senior team (A team) 在加多五個B team球員而己) 北上到深圳隊打友誼賽，已經認得出有半隊都有港隊經驗，最可怕的是，她們大多數都是比我年幼。那我決定了只會抱著“跟操”、跟後面觀摩試試看的心態去幫助我面對和overcome魔鬼的恥笑聲音和自己set給自己的保護網。這樣子開心多了，因爲知道我很多方面都零經驗，但這會是終極挑戰，讓我知道自己的不足，持續push & motivate自己。After all，打competitive sports爲了什麽？
To get better. To challenge myself, and overcome my own barriers. To recognise my strengths and weaknesses. To leave it all on the pitch with no regrets. To discover myself.
星期三，跟球會練習，早了出門，撞到教練，他再次問我會否到港隊訓練。這次比之前多了些少自信，對，我會去明晚的港隊訓練。
星期四（今晚）終于飛到了。再次差不多mental breakdown，開始找原因去和不去。有選擇嗎？沒有。
完了。終于可以鬆一口氣。因爲，名副其實，港隊，standards當然要高。
平時不愛練體能的我虧了，無限抽筋，無限喘氣，無限跟不上。肌肉快要爆炸了。
但永不放棄。堅持不跟教練說，我不行了。不讓自己有任何藉口停下來休息。
現在，媽媽我真的累坏了累透了。完完全全整身缺乏任何力氣。全都留在king's park hockey ground了。
不可否認，的確是一個極度難忘的經驗。
明晚再有港隊訓練，但是我不能去，因爲要去family medicine attachment，到醫生診所實習. 不知是否好事。好的是，可以讓我休息，已經能預計明早肌肉酸痛不讓我下牀（但一定要，明天上學0830 full day，媽媽呀~~~）。坏的是，每一次練習都一樣寶貴，好像浪費了。浪費了教練的苦心。浪費了他种在我心裏的種子，那團火。
沒辦法。
下星期，星期一、四、五也有港隊公開訓練。希望我會珍惜這些機會，盼望能夠在短時間内超乎想象地進步，對得住教練，對得住自己。Never let it rest. 加油（火火火）~
--
大概2013年9月才開始 pick up 曲棍球這樣神奇的東東，
2013年10月第一次打interhall hockey，很有火很有憧憬，但剛開始，球隊也不爭氣，便輸了所有比賽
2014年6月hockey freshman tournament射進了hockey生涯中第一球（但未能晉級到playoffs）
2014年10月第二次interhall hockey，射進了第二球（但也輸了所有比賽）
2014年10月尾RC 男team 教練 Arif 邀請下進入了他的球會，Shaheen (沙鷹體育會)，Ladies B team
2014年11月第一次跟Shaheen打曲棍球聯賽，射進了人生第三球（第一次嘗到贏波的滋味）
之後那場聯賽再射進多兩球。其實純屬意外好運，隊友給我很多機會，很多鼓勵，我非常感激。正在想beginner's luck會持續多久。
之後那場沒有射進任何球。呀，beginner's luck完了。開始要醒醒定定用腦袋打球，學懂十萬樣東東~
2015年1月頭跟Shaheen到深圳打友誼賽
2015年一月中跟港隊練習
一年多，竟然可以發生唐山大地震round 2, 我也不敢想象在不遠的未來，將會帶來什麽新驚喜。Let us wait and see.
Believe in yourself.
Just do it.
Make it count.
Dance in the rain, don't wait for the storm to pass.
生命無take 2.
哈哈。
20150108.
今天，我做了20年平凡人生裏最瘋狂的事。
我跟了港隊訓練。
下？？？什麽？？？
對，沒錯，自己也嚇壞了。
早已收到球會師姐轉發的電郵，香港曲棍球總會（女子部門）將會舉行港隊公開訓練，歡迎所有屬下球會球員來“跟操”，爲了備戰2015年林林總總的國際球賽。
當時完全無視了那封email，因爲沒什麽大興趣，好像昨天才開始打hockey的小薯仔又怎會突飛猛進可以有資格去呢？
錯。
星期一，港隊2015年第一次公開訓練，當然我沒理會正在hall内溫書。
星期一晚上2300，球會總教練（同時也當任港隊總教練，也是RC男team教練，及球會senior女team A教練，也即是不是直接我的主教練，而且沒有認識我多久（兩個月吧...）突然facebook dm我親自邀請我去下一個港隊公開訓練。我呆了起碼半小時吧。不敢回復。不敢想象。不敢面對。沒有用，什麽的不敢，快要連做人早上起床也不敢了。... :'(
機會殺到，當然要第一時間搶，便口急急答應了。意料之中，答應了之後那刻就心慌慌了。從來也沒有那麽害怕，同時閒也從滿期待，興奮。
Why me?
Why not me?
不斷在想這兩個問題。也不敢跟別人說。其實已心知不妙，我只是個初學者，怎樣看也不配跟港隊訓練。不太在意其他人怎樣看我，只知道自己的Level比她們差999999倍。哈哈。不是開玩笑喔，真的。很多basic skills我剛新學或還沒學，也沒主動找人教我。
那究竟教練（Arif）爲何會看得上我呢？我絕對不是什麽明日之星，也不是特別年幼，有潛質，可以花時間培育我。
我想，應該要告訴他，其實，我是全職三年級醫科學生，兼職音樂薯仔，兼職運動卒仔。20嵗女孩只懂讀書玩音樂玩球類活動... 沒有空間發展我吧。普通打聯賽便可。
但是我哪有勇氣say no? 這個別人一生也沒有的機會，竟然再次放在我眼前，我不爭取就代表我白痴嗎？？？
最後，決定了既然答應了便要守承諾，抱著謙虛學習的態度。我非常敬佩香港隊。之前跟球會的developmental team (其實是senior team (A team) 在加多五個B team球員而己) 北上到深圳隊打友誼賽，已經認得出有半隊都有港隊經驗，最可怕的是，她們大多數都是比我年幼。那我決定了只會抱著“跟操”、跟後面觀摩試試看的心態去幫助我面對和overcome魔鬼的恥笑聲音和自己set給自己的保護網。這樣子開心多了，因爲知道我很多方面都零經驗，但這會是終極挑戰，讓我知道自己的不足，持續push & motivate自己。After all，打competitive sports爲了什麽？
To get better. To challenge myself, and overcome my own barriers. To recognise my strengths and weaknesses. To leave it all on the pitch with no regrets. To discover myself.
星期三，跟球會練習，早了出門，撞到教練，他再次問我會否到港隊訓練。這次比之前多了些少自信，對，我會去明晚的港隊訓練。
星期四（今晚）終于飛到了。再次差不多mental breakdown，開始找原因去和不去。有選擇嗎？沒有。
完了。終于可以鬆一口氣。因爲，名副其實，港隊，standards當然要高。
平時不愛練體能的我虧了，無限抽筋，無限喘氣，無限跟不上。肌肉快要爆炸了。
但永不放棄。堅持不跟教練說，我不行了。不讓自己有任何藉口停下來休息。
現在，媽媽我真的累坏了累透了。完完全全整身缺乏任何力氣。全都留在king's park hockey ground了。
不可否認，的確是一個極度難忘的經驗。
明晚再有港隊訓練，但是我不能去，因爲要去family medicine attachment，到醫生診所實習. 不知是否好事。好的是，可以讓我休息，已經能預計明早肌肉酸痛不讓我下牀（但一定要，明天上學0830 full day，媽媽呀~~~）。坏的是，每一次練習都一樣寶貴，好像浪費了。浪費了教練的苦心。浪費了他种在我心裏的種子，那團火。
沒辦法。
下星期，星期一、四、五也有港隊公開訓練。希望我會珍惜這些機會，盼望能夠在短時間内超乎想象地進步，對得住教練，對得住自己。Never let it rest. 加油（火火火）~
--
大概2013年9月才開始 pick up 曲棍球這樣神奇的東東，
2013年10月第一次打interhall hockey，很有火很有憧憬，但剛開始，球隊也不爭氣，便輸了所有比賽
2014年6月hockey freshman tournament射進了hockey生涯中第一球（但未能晉級到playoffs）
2014年10月第二次interhall hockey，射進了第二球（但也輸了所有比賽）
2014年10月尾RC 男team 教練 Arif 邀請下進入了他的球會，Shaheen (沙鷹體育會)，Ladies B team
2014年11月第一次跟Shaheen打曲棍球聯賽，射進了人生第三球（第一次嘗到贏波的滋味）
之後那場聯賽再射進多兩球。其實純屬意外好運，隊友給我很多機會，很多鼓勵，我非常感激。正在想beginner's luck會持續多久。
之後那場沒有射進任何球。呀，beginner's luck完了。開始要醒醒定定用腦袋打球，學懂十萬樣東東~
2015年1月頭跟Shaheen到深圳打友誼賽
2015年一月中跟港隊練習
一年多，竟然可以發生唐山大地震round 2, 我也不敢想象在不遠的未來，將會帶來什麽新驚喜。Let us wait and see.
Believe in yourself.
Just do it.
Make it count.
Dance in the rain, don't wait for the storm to pass.
生命無take 2.
哈哈。
Saturday, December 6, 2014
Friday, November 28, 2014
20141128 K14N Vascular Bedside - AAA post-op (EVA) VF cardiac arrest :(
人生 第一次 目擊 真正 的 ventricular fibrillation.
Cardiac arrest.
Code blue.
搶救了 很久 很久 終于 宣告 病人 不治。
病房裏 一切 都 正常。安詳。
其他病人 也沒有察覺 有什麽 異常事情發生。
但是 對於 9號床 的 伯伯 意想不到 今天就是 他 最後 的 一天。
今天的我來了瑪麗醫院 K14N 病房上課。就是K座14樓北部病房。屬於乳房、血管、和内分泌外科病房。K座的病房比 Main Block (ABCDEF）的病房舒服、空曠、多私人空間。原本醫生吩咐我們 "clerk" 4號床的伯伯，就是要向他問症（take history）跟做身體檢查（physical examination）。這些主要都模仿考試的環境和方式，除了在上課時我們可以一組同學一起做，到醫生來到抽書（其實只是小組討論而已，但是我們作爲三年班醫科生剛剛進入 clinical year 什麽都不曉 ...）時也可以互相幫忙答問題。
一切都非常正常，跟平時在其他病房上課時大致上一模一樣，我們也快快完成了跟4號床病人談話和檢查。
醫科生，medical students，特別是三年班醫科生，在病房裏常常被視爲 "SOL" - space occupying lesions，佔據了很大的空間，卻實際上什麽用都沒有，更加製造不必要的麻煩，妨礙地球轉。在入讀醫學院前一早已經知道三年班醫科生就是醫院裏地位最低的人。食物鏈最底層。就連清潔和病房文員姐姐也比我們更加有權威。常常聽見同學被護士罵，被醫生趕出病房，被 HCA（health care assistants）投訴我們阻止他們工作。所以一向喜歡低調，等醫生來教書時往往會尋找暗角位置躲避，盡量避免做太大的SOL。幸好本身也身形嬌小。
回到正題。
在等醫生來教書時，突然聽見9號床的一個儀器（後來才知道是cardiac monitor, 心臟監察儀器）響起來。不是很明顯，不是很大聲，不是引起注意的聲音。應該要在病床範圍50米内才會聽到，而且覺得不妥。
然後，HCA突然叫護士，護士便一聲喂！緊張招攬更多醫生護士到9號床幫忙。如果沒記錯，應該連 "cardiac arrest", "code blue", "shock", "asystole/arrhythmia/VF" 這些搶救病人專用字眼也沒聽到。他們已經熟悉，已經懂得那緊張高調的聲音，就指不妙，並且關乎生死。迫切性的求救。
10秒内，已經有3-4個護士和一個資深大醫生（我想應該是head of department or 起碼consultant吧，但是已忘記那醫生的名字了）趕到病人身旁。他們動作爽快，非常冷靜，淡定，純熟。換了是我應該會雞手鴨腳不知所措亂七八糟一塌糊塗什麽也干不了。
再過多10秒，他們已經開始急救程序。Chest compressions 心外壓。Bag - oxygen 二氧化碳。Adrenaline 腎上腺素。
多30秒，有其他病房的houseman實習醫生和resident駐院醫生（就是實習醫生之後，但是還沒升到AC Associate Consultant副顧問醫生一職）。
這個時候我的視線轉移往心臟監察儀器。它從一開始已經一直低調地響起來，一波又一波奇異的聲音，在沒有心跳的一聲長的 beeeep 中間裏夾雜了一組不同音調的，有點像乘搭交通工具用兒童或學生八達通那鈴聲。不敢走過去望，眼睛又開始朦朧沒看清楚。後來有同場的五年級師兄師姐告訴我們，原來是VF，a shockable rhythm。Only two rhythms are shockable - VF, and pulseless VT。
大醫生問了很多關於病人之前狀況的問題，然後當機立斷作了決定。"Defibrillator"，還是 "paddles"？忘記了。他說的那一刻，仿佛有一秒整個醫療團隊都停頓了。在電視電影裏看得多，亦知道他們常常因爲要戲劇性所以很stereotypically incorrect。想不到今天，此時此刻，即將就要第一次見證了。Paddles的確跟之前fictional的一樣，但是不用 "CLEAR!"，亦不用團隊彈開三米，病人亦不會跳動，或突然睜開眼睛醒起來。就像之前急救證書課程用的AED差不多，要在left lateral & right anterior chest wall貼兩塊patches，然後paddles就輕放在paddles上面，一下電擊，然後立刻恢復心外壓。
再過30秒，開始緊急抽血。事後看看病人記錄，是要驗CBC，CK Creatine Kinase，LF(RT) Liver/Renal，TnI (cardiac) Troponin-I，electrolytes，ABG Arterial Blood Gas。一切都是書本裏念過的東西，卻是現實中第一次在自己眼前親自看到。是很震撼的經驗。一針又一針的鮮紅色的血。在醫生口中得知ABG非常疼痛、痛苦。不知道那是病人還有沒有知覺。:'(
或許 最心痛的一幕 是見到 病人家屬，應該是女兒，衝進病房的那一刻
無法形容
很痛 很痛
仿佛感覺到她的痛
不知 從哪裏來的 但已經感到 眼淚 在眼角裏 急不及待 湧出來
知道作爲 醫科生的我
作爲未來醫生的我
要專業
振作
不能過度感情用事
如果我也崩潰倒塌了，讓病人，讓家屬知道 我也很無助
那 他們 又如何面對 如何接受 殘酷的現實 呢
以爲自己很堅強 能夠面對生死
但是 今天告訴我 我還是 非常脆弱
到頭來 也只是一個 無名小卒 一個人類。human being。
再次反思 選擇讀醫科 的意義。做醫生 不是什麽 偉大 強大 厲害 的事情
而是 要用 專業 知識
更重要是 跟 病人 家屬 建立 patient-doctor relationship，互相尊重
最重要是 愛 agape 還有 empathy。
多聰明的醫生 也比不上 一個 懂得 聆聽虛弱的心靈 伸出溫暖的helping hand
願意花多一點點時間 借出 一對耳朵 一個肩膊 一顆 善良的心 的 人類
Working diagnosis of post-op AAA EVA repair VF: post-op MI.
或許今天失救的那位我從沒見面的伯伯，或許他的床位 已經 讓新的病人躺著
但是
我一世都不會忘記
2014年11月28日
下午12點（大概吧）
瑪麗醫院 K14N病房 9號床
的您。
May you rest in peace. God bless you.
--
Warm summer sun, shine kindly here.
Warm Southern wind, blow softly here.
Green sod above, lie light, lie light.
Good night, dear heart. Good night, good night.
(Mark Twain, Robert Richardson)
@ Dan Forrest "Good Night, Dear Heart"
Cardiac arrest.
Code blue.
搶救了 很久 很久 終于 宣告 病人 不治。
病房裏 一切 都 正常。安詳。
其他病人 也沒有察覺 有什麽 異常事情發生。
但是 對於 9號床 的 伯伯 意想不到 今天就是 他 最後 的 一天。
今天的我來了瑪麗醫院 K14N 病房上課。就是K座14樓北部病房。屬於乳房、血管、和内分泌外科病房。K座的病房比 Main Block (ABCDEF）的病房舒服、空曠、多私人空間。原本醫生吩咐我們 "clerk" 4號床的伯伯，就是要向他問症（take history）跟做身體檢查（physical examination）。這些主要都模仿考試的環境和方式，除了在上課時我們可以一組同學一起做，到醫生來到抽書（其實只是小組討論而已，但是我們作爲三年班醫科生剛剛進入 clinical year 什麽都不曉 ...）時也可以互相幫忙答問題。
一切都非常正常，跟平時在其他病房上課時大致上一模一樣，我們也快快完成了跟4號床病人談話和檢查。
醫科生，medical students，特別是三年班醫科生，在病房裏常常被視爲 "SOL" - space occupying lesions，佔據了很大的空間，卻實際上什麽用都沒有，更加製造不必要的麻煩，妨礙地球轉。在入讀醫學院前一早已經知道三年班醫科生就是醫院裏地位最低的人。食物鏈最底層。就連清潔和病房文員姐姐也比我們更加有權威。常常聽見同學被護士罵，被醫生趕出病房，被 HCA（health care assistants）投訴我們阻止他們工作。所以一向喜歡低調，等醫生來教書時往往會尋找暗角位置躲避，盡量避免做太大的SOL。幸好本身也身形嬌小。
回到正題。
在等醫生來教書時，突然聽見9號床的一個儀器（後來才知道是cardiac monitor, 心臟監察儀器）響起來。不是很明顯，不是很大聲，不是引起注意的聲音。應該要在病床範圍50米内才會聽到，而且覺得不妥。
然後，HCA突然叫護士，護士便一聲喂！緊張招攬更多醫生護士到9號床幫忙。如果沒記錯，應該連 "cardiac arrest", "code blue", "shock", "asystole/arrhythmia/VF" 這些搶救病人專用字眼也沒聽到。他們已經熟悉，已經懂得那緊張高調的聲音，就指不妙，並且關乎生死。迫切性的求救。
10秒内，已經有3-4個護士和一個資深大醫生（我想應該是head of department or 起碼consultant吧，但是已忘記那醫生的名字了）趕到病人身旁。他們動作爽快，非常冷靜，淡定，純熟。換了是我應該會雞手鴨腳不知所措亂七八糟一塌糊塗什麽也干不了。
再過多10秒，他們已經開始急救程序。Chest compressions 心外壓。Bag - oxygen 二氧化碳。Adrenaline 腎上腺素。
多30秒，有其他病房的houseman實習醫生和resident駐院醫生（就是實習醫生之後，但是還沒升到AC Associate Consultant副顧問醫生一職）。
這個時候我的視線轉移往心臟監察儀器。它從一開始已經一直低調地響起來，一波又一波奇異的聲音，在沒有心跳的一聲長的 beeeep 中間裏夾雜了一組不同音調的，有點像乘搭交通工具用兒童或學生八達通那鈴聲。不敢走過去望，眼睛又開始朦朧沒看清楚。後來有同場的五年級師兄師姐告訴我們，原來是VF，a shockable rhythm。Only two rhythms are shockable - VF, and pulseless VT。
大醫生問了很多關於病人之前狀況的問題，然後當機立斷作了決定。"Defibrillator"，還是 "paddles"？忘記了。他說的那一刻，仿佛有一秒整個醫療團隊都停頓了。在電視電影裏看得多，亦知道他們常常因爲要戲劇性所以很stereotypically incorrect。想不到今天，此時此刻，即將就要第一次見證了。Paddles的確跟之前fictional的一樣，但是不用 "CLEAR!"，亦不用團隊彈開三米，病人亦不會跳動，或突然睜開眼睛醒起來。就像之前急救證書課程用的AED差不多，要在left lateral & right anterior chest wall貼兩塊patches，然後paddles就輕放在paddles上面，一下電擊，然後立刻恢復心外壓。
再過30秒，開始緊急抽血。事後看看病人記錄，是要驗CBC，CK Creatine Kinase，LF(RT) Liver/Renal，TnI (cardiac) Troponin-I，electrolytes，ABG Arterial Blood Gas。一切都是書本裏念過的東西，卻是現實中第一次在自己眼前親自看到。是很震撼的經驗。一針又一針的鮮紅色的血。在醫生口中得知ABG非常疼痛、痛苦。不知道那是病人還有沒有知覺。:'(
或許 最心痛的一幕 是見到 病人家屬，應該是女兒，衝進病房的那一刻
無法形容
很痛 很痛
仿佛感覺到她的痛
不知 從哪裏來的 但已經感到 眼淚 在眼角裏 急不及待 湧出來
知道作爲 醫科生的我
作爲未來醫生的我
要專業
振作
不能過度感情用事
如果我也崩潰倒塌了，讓病人，讓家屬知道 我也很無助
那 他們 又如何面對 如何接受 殘酷的現實 呢
以爲自己很堅強 能夠面對生死
但是 今天告訴我 我還是 非常脆弱
到頭來 也只是一個 無名小卒 一個人類。human being。
再次反思 選擇讀醫科 的意義。做醫生 不是什麽 偉大 強大 厲害 的事情
而是 要用 專業 知識
更重要是 跟 病人 家屬 建立 patient-doctor relationship，互相尊重
最重要是 愛 agape 還有 empathy。
多聰明的醫生 也比不上 一個 懂得 聆聽虛弱的心靈 伸出溫暖的helping hand
願意花多一點點時間 借出 一對耳朵 一個肩膊 一顆 善良的心 的 人類
Working diagnosis of post-op AAA EVA repair VF: post-op MI.
或許今天失救的那位我從沒見面的伯伯，或許他的床位 已經 讓新的病人躺著
但是
我一世都不會忘記
2014年11月28日
下午12點（大概吧）
瑪麗醫院 K14N病房 9號床
的您。
May you rest in peace. God bless you.
--
Warm summer sun, shine kindly here.
Warm Southern wind, blow softly here.
Green sod above, lie light, lie light.
Good night, dear heart. Good night, good night.
(Mark Twain, Robert Richardson)
@ Dan Forrest "Good Night, Dear Heart"
Sunday, November 23, 2014
Sunday, September 28, 2014
20140929 Outcry of Injustice
20140929 0514.
#HKboycott
#HKStudentStrike
#OccupyHK
#hk926
it is in the early hours of the morning. Occupy Central (OCLP) has been launched for a full day and more now, on top of HKFS's student strike and original week-long class boycott. Tensions are rising by the second and mere hours ago Hong Kong witnessed its darkest day. Police used brute force and inhumane brutality on our poor defenseless people, many of whom are students younger than me - university and high school students alike. Out came pepper spray at point blank range (aiming for the face and eyes specifically) and police truncheons/batons, which quickly escalated into ruthless waves of tear gas (which is xx times more toxic than pepper spray) and guns loaded with rubber bullets.
i must say, again and again, ever since my post 3 months ago in response to the 613 東北事件 and the foreshadowing of the 7.1 Democracy March and 7.2 公民抗命, my blood has started to boil at such injustice in the society, and my voice is finally coming out.
20140629: http://lifeinrc.blogspot.hk/2014/06/20.html
三個月前我只是一個無知的少年。很服從，一向只會聽父母一切的話——不要去示威，危險。不要罷課，因爲老師不會罷教。（當然，他們兩都在大學教書，自己又不會罷教，當然也嚴禁自己子女罷課）
但是三個月前突然醒覺，自己長大了，有權利，有能力自己為自己著想，自己有自己的想法，更加思想越來越成熟，要為社會的各種各樣不公義詳細了解，決定自己的立場，發聲。
20140613 東北，看見跟我在教會裏長大的 Sunny Leung 哥哥（應該是跟我同年吧。。。？）作爲前綫人員，衝破立法會。究竟他是暴民嗎？絕對不是。
20140702 遊行后公民抗命，看見哥哥（自己親生啊哥 lol）的女朋友 Athena 因爲參與靜坐而被警察拘捕。究竟她是暴民嗎？絕對不是。
其實此時此刻，仍然對自己的政治立場有所保留。不是完全反對，但是原本就是不支持。但是到了現在，已經不只是對於佔中的立場，面前一張又一張的臉孔，被警察的胡椒噴霧和催淚彈擊中的傷痕，的悲哀，不屈服的精神。。。我忍無可忍了。
常常聼別人說，你不喜歡政治，對政治冷感，躲避不了的，因爲關乎所有人。今天，到我了。罷課大行動和全港不合作行動。
儘管一早已知道父母不會讓我這樣做，我也必須做。不是因爲 peer pressure, 不是因爲恐懼，不是因爲對佔中立場有所改變。但是因爲情況已到了危險關頭，全香港都在奮鬥、在抗命、在支持聲緩學生。這香港已經變了。這幾年已經開始了，只是自己沒有好好留心周圍現實殘酷畫面。
不站出來，也覺得慚愧，總會覺得自己沒有實現公民責任，但是也要告訴自己不要感到迷茫和無助。別人也可能會譴責我只做鍵盤戰士，更加只是 Twitter 的卑微 share photos and retweets 。。。但是起碼我有良知、有想法，不是盲目，不原意被洗腦。
還在成熟的階段中，還有漫長的路途要走。請不要放棄，支持有很多种方法，包括默默在電腦后打句祝福話語。
多麽想出去跟醫療團隊學習，獻上自己卑微的力量去幫手。那爲什麽不去吧，少年。這些機會。。。
不要再説了。更不想用父母做擋箭牌，始終還是過不了自己那關。
今晚過後（現在已清早0607，太陽已升），香港從此不一樣。我們踏進了新的抗命時代，不要為自己沒有盡的所謂 “責任” 跟外出的戰士們道歉，最緊要是自己知道自己在做什麽。
思想的確很重要。
繼續努力。
再吸取經驗（什麽經驗？鍵盤戰士？？？）和教訓。
願香港能回復平安，能夠再歸于香港公民。
Valiant warriors fighting to safeguard our future generation, take care and be safe. Salute to you all.
#HKboycott
#HKStudentStrike
#OccupyHK
#hk926
it is in the early hours of the morning. Occupy Central (OCLP) has been launched for a full day and more now, on top of HKFS's student strike and original week-long class boycott. Tensions are rising by the second and mere hours ago Hong Kong witnessed its darkest day. Police used brute force and inhumane brutality on our poor defenseless people, many of whom are students younger than me - university and high school students alike. Out came pepper spray at point blank range (aiming for the face and eyes specifically) and police truncheons/batons, which quickly escalated into ruthless waves of tear gas (which is xx times more toxic than pepper spray) and guns loaded with rubber bullets.
i must say, again and again, ever since my post 3 months ago in response to the 613 東北事件 and the foreshadowing of the 7.1 Democracy March and 7.2 公民抗命, my blood has started to boil at such injustice in the society, and my voice is finally coming out.
20140629: http://lifeinrc.blogspot.hk/2014/06/20.html
三個月前我只是一個無知的少年。很服從，一向只會聽父母一切的話——不要去示威，危險。不要罷課，因爲老師不會罷教。（當然，他們兩都在大學教書，自己又不會罷教，當然也嚴禁自己子女罷課）
但是三個月前突然醒覺，自己長大了，有權利，有能力自己為自己著想，自己有自己的想法，更加思想越來越成熟，要為社會的各種各樣不公義詳細了解，決定自己的立場，發聲。
20140613 東北，看見跟我在教會裏長大的 Sunny Leung 哥哥（應該是跟我同年吧。。。？）作爲前綫人員，衝破立法會。究竟他是暴民嗎？絕對不是。
20140702 遊行后公民抗命，看見哥哥（自己親生啊哥 lol）的女朋友 Athena 因爲參與靜坐而被警察拘捕。究竟她是暴民嗎？絕對不是。
其實此時此刻，仍然對自己的政治立場有所保留。不是完全反對，但是原本就是不支持。但是到了現在，已經不只是對於佔中的立場，面前一張又一張的臉孔，被警察的胡椒噴霧和催淚彈擊中的傷痕，的悲哀，不屈服的精神。。。我忍無可忍了。
常常聼別人說，你不喜歡政治，對政治冷感，躲避不了的，因爲關乎所有人。今天，到我了。罷課大行動和全港不合作行動。
儘管一早已知道父母不會讓我這樣做，我也必須做。不是因爲 peer pressure, 不是因爲恐懼，不是因爲對佔中立場有所改變。但是因爲情況已到了危險關頭，全香港都在奮鬥、在抗命、在支持聲緩學生。這香港已經變了。這幾年已經開始了，只是自己沒有好好留心周圍現實殘酷畫面。
不站出來，也覺得慚愧，總會覺得自己沒有實現公民責任，但是也要告訴自己不要感到迷茫和無助。別人也可能會譴責我只做鍵盤戰士，更加只是 Twitter 的卑微 share photos and retweets 。。。但是起碼我有良知、有想法，不是盲目，不原意被洗腦。
還在成熟的階段中，還有漫長的路途要走。請不要放棄，支持有很多种方法，包括默默在電腦后打句祝福話語。
多麽想出去跟醫療團隊學習，獻上自己卑微的力量去幫手。那爲什麽不去吧，少年。這些機會。。。
不要再説了。更不想用父母做擋箭牌，始終還是過不了自己那關。
今晚過後（現在已清早0607，太陽已升），香港從此不一樣。我們踏進了新的抗命時代，不要為自己沒有盡的所謂 “責任” 跟外出的戰士們道歉，最緊要是自己知道自己在做什麽。
思想的確很重要。
繼續努力。
再吸取經驗（什麽經驗？鍵盤戰士？？？）和教訓。
願香港能回復平安，能夠再歸于香港公民。
Valiant warriors fighting to safeguard our future generation, take care and be safe. Salute to you all.
Friday, September 5, 2014
ECU Chamber Singers - Good Night, Dear Heart
There's a magic here that didn't exist yesterday when I first clicked on it.
But something about it has caught my attention and I can't push it to the back of my mind when I search for other potential songs RC may sing this year.
Yet this magic has been accumulating bit by bit, slowly, softly, unknowingly. And now when I look at the score properly ... wow. There's just such a powerfully poignant air to it.
RC is still immature. And this song is not particularly difficult in terms of the words or music notes or even structure.
It's the music - the phrases - the message - that's overflowing from this clip of the ECU Chamber Singers - an outburst of emotion - of tears and love, of ages gone, of hope despite sorrow, of faith despite grief and pain, of warm sunny skies despite the darkness and empty vortex of losing a dear dear friend.
Good Night, Dear Heart.
Hope we shall do you justice.
No matter what may happen this year, I will find a way to make it work and make you prouder than ever before, beyond your wildest imagination. :')
Thursday, September 4, 2014
CVS Bedside, 20140904
Bedside with Dr KMM Ma today. Late for 20 minutes, so all the "good" cardiovascular cases were already snagged by other groups. The reserve cases all vanished too - either discharged or no longer existed. :(
Finally chanced upon a CVS case. A very nice elderly gentleman with ESM @ LSB - ejection systolic murmur at the (left) lateral sternal border - barely audible, but I could faintly locate it.
A poorly patient in the bed behind me caught my attention. The nurse was here for blood-taking and other minor procedures, presumably taking the blood sugar (finger-prick) and adjusting the IV cannula. Something about him made me linger in mid air, my focus drifted away from my case and my eyes darted sideways. He couldn't talk - possibly a stroke patient, with multiple co-morbidities. His slurred speech and indecipherable sounds and yelps of pain made me tear up behind my glasses and mask.
I was still recovering from my cold, with a hint of a sniffle and already watery eyes and clogged throat partly filled with thick mucus. I had to put much effort into suppressing my emotions.
Today I finally understood what they meant, when they said "don't get attached to your patients. Keep a certain distance and make the relationship clear - a professional one. Doctor and patient, no more, no less." :(
Having served as a hospital volunteer in the past, and placed in a geriatric ward @ Shatin Hospital, it's not the first time I've seen such cases. Hell, I've even spent days sitting with and holding the hand of a severely affected stroke patient with hemiplegia - couldn't move, couldn't feel, couldn't talk, couldn't eat, couldn't swallow - and required intensive speech therapy every day.
But I couldn't put it past me today.
I knew that I wouldn't be able to specialise in geriatric medicine in the future. Even last year, I knew. The most depressing thing about old people is that most of them do not recover. Though you may improve their quality of life, accompany them, listen to their stories as a kid, "in their days" ... but ultimately it's never a happy ending. With their endless chronic illnesses, masses of co-morbidities, often only able to receive palliative and supportive care ... it gets too much to bear, even for just a day. Not that I don't want to serve them, just that somebody's gotta get the job done, but I just feel that my calling is somewhere else (you will know it if you know me).
My heart weeps for you, good gentleman.
I wish you peace, and a hope for recovery. For relief from suffering, whatever form it may take. That every day may be filled with hidden blessings, that you may discover them, and smile once again.
Though you may never know me, I will keep you etched in the back of my memory, as part of my bedside adventures.
Farewell.
Finally chanced upon a CVS case. A very nice elderly gentleman with ESM @ LSB - ejection systolic murmur at the (left) lateral sternal border - barely audible, but I could faintly locate it.
A poorly patient in the bed behind me caught my attention. The nurse was here for blood-taking and other minor procedures, presumably taking the blood sugar (finger-prick) and adjusting the IV cannula. Something about him made me linger in mid air, my focus drifted away from my case and my eyes darted sideways. He couldn't talk - possibly a stroke patient, with multiple co-morbidities. His slurred speech and indecipherable sounds and yelps of pain made me tear up behind my glasses and mask.
I was still recovering from my cold, with a hint of a sniffle and already watery eyes and clogged throat partly filled with thick mucus. I had to put much effort into suppressing my emotions.
Today I finally understood what they meant, when they said "don't get attached to your patients. Keep a certain distance and make the relationship clear - a professional one. Doctor and patient, no more, no less." :(
Having served as a hospital volunteer in the past, and placed in a geriatric ward @ Shatin Hospital, it's not the first time I've seen such cases. Hell, I've even spent days sitting with and holding the hand of a severely affected stroke patient with hemiplegia - couldn't move, couldn't feel, couldn't talk, couldn't eat, couldn't swallow - and required intensive speech therapy every day.
But I couldn't put it past me today.
I knew that I wouldn't be able to specialise in geriatric medicine in the future. Even last year, I knew. The most depressing thing about old people is that most of them do not recover. Though you may improve their quality of life, accompany them, listen to their stories as a kid, "in their days" ... but ultimately it's never a happy ending. With their endless chronic illnesses, masses of co-morbidities, often only able to receive palliative and supportive care ... it gets too much to bear, even for just a day. Not that I don't want to serve them, just that somebody's gotta get the job done, but I just feel that my calling is somewhere else (you will know it if you know me).
My heart weeps for you, good gentleman.
I wish you peace, and a hope for recovery. For relief from suffering, whatever form it may take. That every day may be filled with hidden blessings, that you may discover them, and smile once again.
Though you may never know me, I will keep you etched in the back of my memory, as part of my bedside adventures.
Farewell.
Wednesday, July 23, 2014
Peaches and Cherries
Peaches and cherries are my favourite fruits in the world. Gawsh. I just cant resist them. Even through these icky days when my body just refuses to take in any proper food. Havent had a proper meal for the past three days. Haven't had dinner for the past two days.
Mom keeps apologising, saying she's sorry she can't help with my study (she's been saying that ever since junior high...) ... it just breaks my heart. Her soft smile and unspoken support is already a huge confidence booster to me. Her presence next to me on the dining table every single night, her peculiar 喃喃自語, her random squeals of "aiya!", just being there - a human presence - whilst everyone else is hidden in their own rooms, and as I slave away to my notes on the other end of the dining table.
So, she says, I'll buy you food you like. And like a hyperactive kid out on a field trip, she hops down to the supermarket and scavenges all over the place, returning with three full bags of food we could never finish in a week.
To clear things up a little, I dont have nasty eating habits. I'm not a picky eater, I dont leave leftovers in my bowl (not even a grain of rice, unlike my messy brother -_-), and I dont pick things out that I don't like. I eat what I'm given and my mom has taken that as a sign that whatever she gives me, I enjoy eating that food. So she buys me all sorts of foods, but secretly my favourites are just peaches and cherries :') Don't tell her that please.
I've heard all moms do that, but when it's your mom, it's kinda that much extra sweeter. And it's why I enjoy staying home. Almost everyone else has asked me at least once - why do you go home so often? Why are you always at home during the weekends or holidays? When are you coming back to hall?
And that's another reason. Hall life is absolutely wonderful - without it I would be far worse off than I am right now. But every single day (particularly now that we've hit the deep end of summer) is jam-packed with all sorts of activities. The peer pressure gets too much sometimes, even though I know I don't have to conform. And, I don't want news to spread out to the whole hall that I have to take the supplementary exam. I've only told six people in the whole hall I think - Anthony and Jackie (classmates), Yeungwing & Ode & Bobo & Seung (who told Rita, but it's okay). It's great having the extra support, but I just wanna keep it closed. As I've always said, it's my own damn problem and i'll damn right get it fixed myself. It's a lesson I have to learn the hard way - unfortunate but necessary.
But anyway. Peaches and cherries. I've never bought them myself when I go shopping for my own cooking at hall. They're quite expensive to be on my budget shopping list (don't even try to guess how much money I spend on food when I'm at hall lol), so I usually just grab a bunch of bananas or a few apples as my fruit of the day (or fruit of the week, as I only pop in the supermarket once a week or less.
So, it's wonderful to be back at home for the summer. I really feel like I missed out on a lot during term time - my brother's spending more time at home, my sister's having lots of precious alone time with my parents without me in the way (you're welcome Diane!), and in general as I can feel myself transforming over these two short years (so far), I feel I have a need to portray this transformation to my parents, so that they can witness my growth and maturation too. They will always be part of my journey :')
So had my first supplementary paper today - Minicases. The most dreaded, the beast, the monster - I could use a hundred adjectives to describe its monstrosity, how petrifying it is, it sends shivers down my spine just picturing it in my mind. But I got through it alive. It wasn't my best attempt, but I really hope I have enough in the bag to hit a pass mark. (Touch wood).
Second and my final supplementary paper is on Friday before I fly out to Taipei for TICF. It's MCQ and EMQ, surprisingly a weakness of mine, since SAQ is deemed to be the harder paper, which I passed (barely, but still, ultimately, a pass).
I must take his personal space to thank everyone who has boosted me and egged me on when I felt like the whole world was gonna come crushing down on me. If anyone ever comes across this, you guys really inspired me to take my wings and continue soaring upwards once again. The skies are opening up~
Mom keeps apologising, saying she's sorry she can't help with my study (she's been saying that ever since junior high...) ... it just breaks my heart. Her soft smile and unspoken support is already a huge confidence booster to me. Her presence next to me on the dining table every single night, her peculiar 喃喃自語, her random squeals of "aiya!", just being there - a human presence - whilst everyone else is hidden in their own rooms, and as I slave away to my notes on the other end of the dining table.
So, she says, I'll buy you food you like. And like a hyperactive kid out on a field trip, she hops down to the supermarket and scavenges all over the place, returning with three full bags of food we could never finish in a week.
To clear things up a little, I dont have nasty eating habits. I'm not a picky eater, I dont leave leftovers in my bowl (not even a grain of rice, unlike my messy brother -_-), and I dont pick things out that I don't like. I eat what I'm given and my mom has taken that as a sign that whatever she gives me, I enjoy eating that food. So she buys me all sorts of foods, but secretly my favourites are just peaches and cherries :') Don't tell her that please.
I've heard all moms do that, but when it's your mom, it's kinda that much extra sweeter. And it's why I enjoy staying home. Almost everyone else has asked me at least once - why do you go home so often? Why are you always at home during the weekends or holidays? When are you coming back to hall?
And that's another reason. Hall life is absolutely wonderful - without it I would be far worse off than I am right now. But every single day (particularly now that we've hit the deep end of summer) is jam-packed with all sorts of activities. The peer pressure gets too much sometimes, even though I know I don't have to conform. And, I don't want news to spread out to the whole hall that I have to take the supplementary exam. I've only told six people in the whole hall I think - Anthony and Jackie (classmates), Yeungwing & Ode & Bobo & Seung (who told Rita, but it's okay). It's great having the extra support, but I just wanna keep it closed. As I've always said, it's my own damn problem and i'll damn right get it fixed myself. It's a lesson I have to learn the hard way - unfortunate but necessary.
But anyway. Peaches and cherries. I've never bought them myself when I go shopping for my own cooking at hall. They're quite expensive to be on my budget shopping list (don't even try to guess how much money I spend on food when I'm at hall lol), so I usually just grab a bunch of bananas or a few apples as my fruit of the day (or fruit of the week, as I only pop in the supermarket once a week or less.
So, it's wonderful to be back at home for the summer. I really feel like I missed out on a lot during term time - my brother's spending more time at home, my sister's having lots of precious alone time with my parents without me in the way (you're welcome Diane!), and in general as I can feel myself transforming over these two short years (so far), I feel I have a need to portray this transformation to my parents, so that they can witness my growth and maturation too. They will always be part of my journey :')
So had my first supplementary paper today - Minicases. The most dreaded, the beast, the monster - I could use a hundred adjectives to describe its monstrosity, how petrifying it is, it sends shivers down my spine just picturing it in my mind. But I got through it alive. It wasn't my best attempt, but I really hope I have enough in the bag to hit a pass mark. (Touch wood).
Second and my final supplementary paper is on Friday before I fly out to Taipei for TICF. It's MCQ and EMQ, surprisingly a weakness of mine, since SAQ is deemed to be the harder paper, which I passed (barely, but still, ultimately, a pass).
I must take his personal space to thank everyone who has boosted me and egged me on when I felt like the whole world was gonna come crushing down on me. If anyone ever comes across this, you guys really inspired me to take my wings and continue soaring upwards once again. The skies are opening up~
Sunday, June 29, 2014
20前夕。
20歲的前夕。。。再次感到空虛、無助、低落。
為咩？
為這個城市，兩年前只差一點點就離開了的安樂窩。
為未來，不是自己的未來，而是香港和香港人的未來。
為今早牧師的講道，為這地的平安。
大學前從來都不關心社會，從來都沒有感受過做香港公民的責任，不喜歡、害怕、躲避時事和政治議題。
但是，大學跟社堂改變了一切。
對，我很被動。
對，我沒有用實際行動去説明自己的立場。
對，我還是恐懼面對這些敏感話題。
但是，我知道自己在不斷地成長，思想在成熟，慢慢在摸索、尋找自我。
也許因爲不斷見到身邊的長輩、老師、師兄師姐、堂友、同學們都在facebook share post，以前會選擇skip和不想理會的事情，今天，會詳細閲讀每一粒字。中文多差也要讀到尾。
最深刻或許是因爲見到在教會裏的一位青少年，跟我同年的，Sunny Leung（現在讀City soc work）。。。在613東北事件，有份參與衝破立法會，爲了社會卻被警察狠狠的毆打。。。我第一次從心底感到，驚恐慌張，不知所措。香港到底變成了什麽的地方。
我不再是小孩。更加應該擁抱長大的過程。20歲，是一個新的開始。因爲太多太多事情而要restart。
再説，今早在教會裏聽到牧師的講道。
很多都忘記了。（慚愧。。。牧師請原諒我吧。。。）
但是。聽到最令我毛骨悚然的是，exactly 100年前，1914，第一次世界大戰爆發。
1945，第二次世界大戰結束，差不多70年前。
而第一次世界大戰跟第二次世界大戰之間，1914到1945，31年。。。
而第二次世界大戰到現在。。。1945到2014，快70年。。。
原來，我們已經享受了70年的平安。
平安是什麽？
當然，中間有無數的Civil Wars，Unrest，悲劇每年都發生。你可以說，現代的世界，陷入困境，歷史也不斷重復。。。一點都不平安。
但是，70年來都沒有世界大戰等級的大型暴亂，這，的確來得不易。
慶幸。
感恩。
但不敢忘記、不敢再無視、不敢再那麽自私只顧及自己，由自己出發。
20了。香港是我家，必須堅守到底。
年輕人，拿出勇氣吧。大學生，step out of your comfort zone，think outside the box，不要再盲目在別人的影子裏躲避。
今年生日，一點都不快樂。
惟有為長大、為成長、為成熟來迎接20吧。
苦笑。
繼續努力。
共勉之~
為咩？
為這個城市，兩年前只差一點點就離開了的安樂窩。
為未來，不是自己的未來，而是香港和香港人的未來。
為今早牧師的講道，為這地的平安。
大學前從來都不關心社會，從來都沒有感受過做香港公民的責任，不喜歡、害怕、躲避時事和政治議題。
但是，大學跟社堂改變了一切。
對，我很被動。
對，我沒有用實際行動去説明自己的立場。
對，我還是恐懼面對這些敏感話題。
但是，我知道自己在不斷地成長，思想在成熟，慢慢在摸索、尋找自我。
也許因爲不斷見到身邊的長輩、老師、師兄師姐、堂友、同學們都在facebook share post，以前會選擇skip和不想理會的事情，今天，會詳細閲讀每一粒字。中文多差也要讀到尾。
最深刻或許是因爲見到在教會裏的一位青少年，跟我同年的，Sunny Leung（現在讀City soc work）。。。在613東北事件，有份參與衝破立法會，爲了社會卻被警察狠狠的毆打。。。我第一次從心底感到，驚恐慌張，不知所措。香港到底變成了什麽的地方。
我不再是小孩。更加應該擁抱長大的過程。20歲，是一個新的開始。因爲太多太多事情而要restart。
再説，今早在教會裏聽到牧師的講道。
很多都忘記了。（慚愧。。。牧師請原諒我吧。。。）
但是。聽到最令我毛骨悚然的是，exactly 100年前，1914，第一次世界大戰爆發。
1945，第二次世界大戰結束，差不多70年前。
而第一次世界大戰跟第二次世界大戰之間，1914到1945，31年。。。
而第二次世界大戰到現在。。。1945到2014，快70年。。。
原來，我們已經享受了70年的平安。
平安是什麽？
當然，中間有無數的Civil Wars，Unrest，悲劇每年都發生。你可以說，現代的世界，陷入困境，歷史也不斷重復。。。一點都不平安。
但是，70年來都沒有世界大戰等級的大型暴亂，這，的確來得不易。
慶幸。
感恩。
但不敢忘記、不敢再無視、不敢再那麽自私只顧及自己，由自己出發。
20了。香港是我家，必須堅守到底。
年輕人，拿出勇氣吧。大學生，step out of your comfort zone，think outside the box，不要再盲目在別人的影子裏躲避。
今年生日，一點都不快樂。
惟有為長大、為成長、為成熟來迎接20吧。
苦笑。
繼續努力。
共勉之~
Wednesday, June 11, 2014
Motivational Minute #41 - Dream Big
My hero Nick Vujicic again :')
"What's my biggest dream? To just do my best."
"Dreams start with sort of like this voice in your head saying "are you serious?", even family members saying "you're crazy!"."
"Aim your dreams and goals to the heavens, so if they miss, they're still up there with the stars."
--
:')
Dream-catcher, 2014.06.08 :')
Tuesday, June 10, 2014
2014.06.08 - one of those nights you hope to be etched in your memory, forever.
A concert I was super hyped up about, and what a concert indeed! It delivered on so many different levels, I don't even know which level to begin on. It has taken me two whole days to organise my thoughts and feelings into readable words and understandable expressions - basically :') has represented the lovely shell and happy little bubble I've been floating around in ever since Coach's magic dissipated around the concert hall and touched each and every person's heart. This magic, this power, this invisible force, was incredulous. He had everyone in the palm of his hands, every pair of eyes was glued, fixated onto his whole being, and I didn't dare to breathe for fear of breaking this magic.
I say again, I have never enjoyed a performance so much as that night's.
Let me rephrase.
I have never fallen in love with a performance quite like this one. Everything about it just pulled me towards its centre, a swirling vortex of the mysterious appeal that such beautiful music intrinsically contains deep within. I was mesmerised, transfixed, frozen in time and space, it felt as if the whole world had stopped and the only living thing was the music that flowed through timelessly. I can't even begin to describe it.
It may sound ridiculous, what I'm typing ... fantastical, otherworldly, fiction-like ... but it's true. This is how I feel.
And just as part of the audience, this experience was more than a magic carpet ride. For a long while I felt as if I could step into the shoes of the performers, the amazing CU Chorus, and share this priceless experience from their perspective.
I still remember back in high school, in Year 10, I had to produce a work of creative writing as part of my English Language coursework. And back then since music had taken up a dominating role in my school life, home life, and social life, I decided to embark on a creative musical literary journey (did that sequence of jargon even make any sense...)
In the end, the night before it was due, I named it "The Phenomenon".
In a nutshell, it was a short piece (less than two sides of A4, since there was a word limit) describing an orchestral concert, jumping back and forth between the perspectives of the performer and the listener - two roles which were essentially the same person (myself), and together the shared experience came together to create the entire picture outside the box, which was bigger than the sum of its parts.
Anyway. This experience of seemingly sharing the stage as part of CU Chorus was brought to life right before my eyes, it felt so ... possible ... and so personal, and I just let myself slip away from reality right then and right there, and let everything wash over me ...
Yeah. It hit me that hard. Hope no one ever reads this cos y'all will think I'm bonkers. I dont even know what I typed up there^. Just the bottom line:
I've never completely fallen in love with a performance ... until 2014.06.08.
Bravo, brava. Hats off to every single member of CU Chorus.
Thank you for sharing something so precious, something you hold so dearly to your hearts, something you absolutely poured your whole heart and soul and entire being into.
"That was it."
:')
A concert I was super hyped up about, and what a concert indeed! It delivered on so many different levels, I don't even know which level to begin on. It has taken me two whole days to organise my thoughts and feelings into readable words and understandable expressions - basically :') has represented the lovely shell and happy little bubble I've been floating around in ever since Coach's magic dissipated around the concert hall and touched each and every person's heart. This magic, this power, this invisible force, was incredulous. He had everyone in the palm of his hands, every pair of eyes was glued, fixated onto his whole being, and I didn't dare to breathe for fear of breaking this magic.
I say again, I have never enjoyed a performance so much as that night's.
Let me rephrase.
I have never fallen in love with a performance quite like this one. Everything about it just pulled me towards its centre, a swirling vortex of the mysterious appeal that such beautiful music intrinsically contains deep within. I was mesmerised, transfixed, frozen in time and space, it felt as if the whole world had stopped and the only living thing was the music that flowed through timelessly. I can't even begin to describe it.
It may sound ridiculous, what I'm typing ... fantastical, otherworldly, fiction-like ... but it's true. This is how I feel.
And just as part of the audience, this experience was more than a magic carpet ride. For a long while I felt as if I could step into the shoes of the performers, the amazing CU Chorus, and share this priceless experience from their perspective.
I still remember back in high school, in Year 10, I had to produce a work of creative writing as part of my English Language coursework. And back then since music had taken up a dominating role in my school life, home life, and social life, I decided to embark on a creative musical literary journey (did that sequence of jargon even make any sense...)
In the end, the night before it was due, I named it "The Phenomenon".
In a nutshell, it was a short piece (less than two sides of A4, since there was a word limit) describing an orchestral concert, jumping back and forth between the perspectives of the performer and the listener - two roles which were essentially the same person (myself), and together the shared experience came together to create the entire picture outside the box, which was bigger than the sum of its parts.
Anyway. This experience of seemingly sharing the stage as part of CU Chorus was brought to life right before my eyes, it felt so ... possible ... and so personal, and I just let myself slip away from reality right then and right there, and let everything wash over me ...
Yeah. It hit me that hard. Hope no one ever reads this cos y'all will think I'm bonkers. I dont even know what I typed up there^. Just the bottom line:
I've never completely fallen in love with a performance ... until 2014.06.08.
Bravo, brava. Hats off to every single member of CU Chorus.
Thank you for sharing something so precious, something you hold so dearly to your hearts, something you absolutely poured your whole heart and soul and entire being into.
"That was it."
:')
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