Saturday, December 6, 2014
Friday, November 28, 2014
20141128 K14N Vascular Bedside - AAA post-op (EVA) VF cardiac arrest :(
人生 第一次 目擊 真正 的 ventricular fibrillation.
Cardiac arrest.
Code blue.
搶救了 很久 很久 終于 宣告 病人 不治。
病房裏 一切 都 正常。安詳。
其他病人 也沒有察覺 有什麽 異常事情發生。
但是 對於 9號床 的 伯伯 意想不到 今天就是 他 最後 的 一天。
今天的我來了瑪麗醫院 K14N 病房上課。就是K座14樓北部病房。屬於乳房、血管、和内分泌外科病房。K座的病房比 Main Block (ABCDEF）的病房舒服、空曠、多私人空間。原本醫生吩咐我們 "clerk" 4號床的伯伯，就是要向他問症（take history）跟做身體檢查（physical examination）。這些主要都模仿考試的環境和方式，除了在上課時我們可以一組同學一起做，到醫生來到抽書（其實只是小組討論而已，但是我們作爲三年班醫科生剛剛進入 clinical year 什麽都不曉 ...）時也可以互相幫忙答問題。
一切都非常正常，跟平時在其他病房上課時大致上一模一樣，我們也快快完成了跟4號床病人談話和檢查。
醫科生，medical students，特別是三年班醫科生，在病房裏常常被視爲 "SOL" - space occupying lesions，佔據了很大的空間，卻實際上什麽用都沒有，更加製造不必要的麻煩，妨礙地球轉。在入讀醫學院前一早已經知道三年班醫科生就是醫院裏地位最低的人。食物鏈最底層。就連清潔和病房文員姐姐也比我們更加有權威。常常聽見同學被護士罵，被醫生趕出病房，被 HCA（health care assistants）投訴我們阻止他們工作。所以一向喜歡低調，等醫生來教書時往往會尋找暗角位置躲避，盡量避免做太大的SOL。幸好本身也身形嬌小。
回到正題。
在等醫生來教書時，突然聽見9號床的一個儀器（後來才知道是cardiac monitor, 心臟監察儀器）響起來。不是很明顯，不是很大聲，不是引起注意的聲音。應該要在病床範圍50米内才會聽到，而且覺得不妥。
然後，HCA突然叫護士，護士便一聲喂！緊張招攬更多醫生護士到9號床幫忙。如果沒記錯，應該連 "cardiac arrest", "code blue", "shock", "asystole/arrhythmia/VF" 這些搶救病人專用字眼也沒聽到。他們已經熟悉，已經懂得那緊張高調的聲音，就指不妙，並且關乎生死。迫切性的求救。
10秒内，已經有3-4個護士和一個資深大醫生（我想應該是head of department or 起碼consultant吧，但是已忘記那醫生的名字了）趕到病人身旁。他們動作爽快，非常冷靜，淡定，純熟。換了是我應該會雞手鴨腳不知所措亂七八糟一塌糊塗什麽也干不了。
再過多10秒，他們已經開始急救程序。Chest compressions 心外壓。Bag - oxygen 二氧化碳。Adrenaline 腎上腺素。
多30秒，有其他病房的houseman實習醫生和resident駐院醫生（就是實習醫生之後，但是還沒升到AC Associate Consultant副顧問醫生一職）。
這個時候我的視線轉移往心臟監察儀器。它從一開始已經一直低調地響起來，一波又一波奇異的聲音，在沒有心跳的一聲長的 beeeep 中間裏夾雜了一組不同音調的，有點像乘搭交通工具用兒童或學生八達通那鈴聲。不敢走過去望，眼睛又開始朦朧沒看清楚。後來有同場的五年級師兄師姐告訴我們，原來是VF，a shockable rhythm。Only two rhythms are shockable - VF, and pulseless VT。
大醫生問了很多關於病人之前狀況的問題，然後當機立斷作了決定。"Defibrillator"，還是 "paddles"？忘記了。他說的那一刻，仿佛有一秒整個醫療團隊都停頓了。在電視電影裏看得多，亦知道他們常常因爲要戲劇性所以很stereotypically incorrect。想不到今天，此時此刻，即將就要第一次見證了。Paddles的確跟之前fictional的一樣，但是不用 "CLEAR!"，亦不用團隊彈開三米，病人亦不會跳動，或突然睜開眼睛醒起來。就像之前急救證書課程用的AED差不多，要在left lateral & right anterior chest wall貼兩塊patches，然後paddles就輕放在paddles上面，一下電擊，然後立刻恢復心外壓。
再過30秒，開始緊急抽血。事後看看病人記錄，是要驗CBC，CK Creatine Kinase，LF(RT) Liver/Renal，TnI (cardiac) Troponin-I，electrolytes，ABG Arterial Blood Gas。一切都是書本裏念過的東西，卻是現實中第一次在自己眼前親自看到。是很震撼的經驗。一針又一針的鮮紅色的血。在醫生口中得知ABG非常疼痛、痛苦。不知道那是病人還有沒有知覺。:'(
或許 最心痛的一幕 是見到 病人家屬，應該是女兒，衝進病房的那一刻
無法形容
很痛 很痛
仿佛感覺到她的痛
不知 從哪裏來的 但已經感到 眼淚 在眼角裏 急不及待 湧出來
知道作爲 醫科生的我
作爲未來醫生的我
要專業
振作
不能過度感情用事
如果我也崩潰倒塌了，讓病人，讓家屬知道 我也很無助
那 他們 又如何面對 如何接受 殘酷的現實 呢
以爲自己很堅強 能夠面對生死
但是 今天告訴我 我還是 非常脆弱
到頭來 也只是一個 無名小卒 一個人類。human being。
再次反思 選擇讀醫科 的意義。做醫生 不是什麽 偉大 強大 厲害 的事情
而是 要用 專業 知識
更重要是 跟 病人 家屬 建立 patient-doctor relationship，互相尊重
最重要是 愛 agape 還有 empathy。
多聰明的醫生 也比不上 一個 懂得 聆聽虛弱的心靈 伸出溫暖的helping hand
願意花多一點點時間 借出 一對耳朵 一個肩膊 一顆 善良的心 的 人類
Working diagnosis of post-op AAA EVA repair VF: post-op MI.
或許今天失救的那位我從沒見面的伯伯，或許他的床位 已經 讓新的病人躺著
但是
我一世都不會忘記
2014年11月28日
下午12點（大概吧）
瑪麗醫院 K14N病房 9號床
的您。
May you rest in peace. God bless you.
--
Warm summer sun, shine kindly here.
Warm Southern wind, blow softly here.
Green sod above, lie light, lie light.
Good night, dear heart. Good night, good night.
(Mark Twain, Robert Richardson)
@ Dan Forrest "Good Night, Dear Heart"
Cardiac arrest.
Code blue.
搶救了 很久 很久 終于 宣告 病人 不治。
病房裏 一切 都 正常。安詳。
其他病人 也沒有察覺 有什麽 異常事情發生。
但是 對於 9號床 的 伯伯 意想不到 今天就是 他 最後 的 一天。
今天的我來了瑪麗醫院 K14N 病房上課。就是K座14樓北部病房。屬於乳房、血管、和内分泌外科病房。K座的病房比 Main Block (ABCDEF）的病房舒服、空曠、多私人空間。原本醫生吩咐我們 "clerk" 4號床的伯伯，就是要向他問症（take history）跟做身體檢查（physical examination）。這些主要都模仿考試的環境和方式，除了在上課時我們可以一組同學一起做，到醫生來到抽書（其實只是小組討論而已，但是我們作爲三年班醫科生剛剛進入 clinical year 什麽都不曉 ...）時也可以互相幫忙答問題。
一切都非常正常，跟平時在其他病房上課時大致上一模一樣，我們也快快完成了跟4號床病人談話和檢查。
醫科生，medical students，特別是三年班醫科生，在病房裏常常被視爲 "SOL" - space occupying lesions，佔據了很大的空間，卻實際上什麽用都沒有，更加製造不必要的麻煩，妨礙地球轉。在入讀醫學院前一早已經知道三年班醫科生就是醫院裏地位最低的人。食物鏈最底層。就連清潔和病房文員姐姐也比我們更加有權威。常常聽見同學被護士罵，被醫生趕出病房，被 HCA（health care assistants）投訴我們阻止他們工作。所以一向喜歡低調，等醫生來教書時往往會尋找暗角位置躲避，盡量避免做太大的SOL。幸好本身也身形嬌小。
回到正題。
在等醫生來教書時，突然聽見9號床的一個儀器（後來才知道是cardiac monitor, 心臟監察儀器）響起來。不是很明顯，不是很大聲，不是引起注意的聲音。應該要在病床範圍50米内才會聽到，而且覺得不妥。
然後，HCA突然叫護士，護士便一聲喂！緊張招攬更多醫生護士到9號床幫忙。如果沒記錯，應該連 "cardiac arrest", "code blue", "shock", "asystole/arrhythmia/VF" 這些搶救病人專用字眼也沒聽到。他們已經熟悉，已經懂得那緊張高調的聲音，就指不妙，並且關乎生死。迫切性的求救。
10秒内，已經有3-4個護士和一個資深大醫生（我想應該是head of department or 起碼consultant吧，但是已忘記那醫生的名字了）趕到病人身旁。他們動作爽快，非常冷靜，淡定，純熟。換了是我應該會雞手鴨腳不知所措亂七八糟一塌糊塗什麽也干不了。
再過多10秒，他們已經開始急救程序。Chest compressions 心外壓。Bag - oxygen 二氧化碳。Adrenaline 腎上腺素。
多30秒，有其他病房的houseman實習醫生和resident駐院醫生（就是實習醫生之後，但是還沒升到AC Associate Consultant副顧問醫生一職）。
這個時候我的視線轉移往心臟監察儀器。它從一開始已經一直低調地響起來，一波又一波奇異的聲音，在沒有心跳的一聲長的 beeeep 中間裏夾雜了一組不同音調的，有點像乘搭交通工具用兒童或學生八達通那鈴聲。不敢走過去望，眼睛又開始朦朧沒看清楚。後來有同場的五年級師兄師姐告訴我們，原來是VF，a shockable rhythm。Only two rhythms are shockable - VF, and pulseless VT。
大醫生問了很多關於病人之前狀況的問題，然後當機立斷作了決定。"Defibrillator"，還是 "paddles"？忘記了。他說的那一刻，仿佛有一秒整個醫療團隊都停頓了。在電視電影裏看得多，亦知道他們常常因爲要戲劇性所以很stereotypically incorrect。想不到今天，此時此刻，即將就要第一次見證了。Paddles的確跟之前fictional的一樣，但是不用 "CLEAR!"，亦不用團隊彈開三米，病人亦不會跳動，或突然睜開眼睛醒起來。就像之前急救證書課程用的AED差不多，要在left lateral & right anterior chest wall貼兩塊patches，然後paddles就輕放在paddles上面，一下電擊，然後立刻恢復心外壓。
再過30秒，開始緊急抽血。事後看看病人記錄，是要驗CBC，CK Creatine Kinase，LF(RT) Liver/Renal，TnI (cardiac) Troponin-I，electrolytes，ABG Arterial Blood Gas。一切都是書本裏念過的東西，卻是現實中第一次在自己眼前親自看到。是很震撼的經驗。一針又一針的鮮紅色的血。在醫生口中得知ABG非常疼痛、痛苦。不知道那是病人還有沒有知覺。:'(
或許 最心痛的一幕 是見到 病人家屬，應該是女兒，衝進病房的那一刻
無法形容
很痛 很痛
仿佛感覺到她的痛
不知 從哪裏來的 但已經感到 眼淚 在眼角裏 急不及待 湧出來
知道作爲 醫科生的我
作爲未來醫生的我
要專業
振作
不能過度感情用事
如果我也崩潰倒塌了，讓病人，讓家屬知道 我也很無助
那 他們 又如何面對 如何接受 殘酷的現實 呢
以爲自己很堅強 能夠面對生死
但是 今天告訴我 我還是 非常脆弱
到頭來 也只是一個 無名小卒 一個人類。human being。
再次反思 選擇讀醫科 的意義。做醫生 不是什麽 偉大 強大 厲害 的事情
而是 要用 專業 知識
更重要是 跟 病人 家屬 建立 patient-doctor relationship，互相尊重
最重要是 愛 agape 還有 empathy。
多聰明的醫生 也比不上 一個 懂得 聆聽虛弱的心靈 伸出溫暖的helping hand
願意花多一點點時間 借出 一對耳朵 一個肩膊 一顆 善良的心 的 人類
Working diagnosis of post-op AAA EVA repair VF: post-op MI.
或許今天失救的那位我從沒見面的伯伯，或許他的床位 已經 讓新的病人躺著
但是
我一世都不會忘記
2014年11月28日
下午12點（大概吧）
瑪麗醫院 K14N病房 9號床
的您。
May you rest in peace. God bless you.
--
Warm summer sun, shine kindly here.
Warm Southern wind, blow softly here.
Green sod above, lie light, lie light.
Good night, dear heart. Good night, good night.
(Mark Twain, Robert Richardson)
@ Dan Forrest "Good Night, Dear Heart"
Sunday, November 23, 2014
Sunday, September 28, 2014
20140929 Outcry of Injustice
20140929 0514.
#HKboycott
#HKStudentStrike
#OccupyHK
#hk926
it is in the early hours of the morning. Occupy Central (OCLP) has been launched for a full day and more now, on top of HKFS's student strike and original week-long class boycott. Tensions are rising by the second and mere hours ago Hong Kong witnessed its darkest day. Police used brute force and inhumane brutality on our poor defenseless people, many of whom are students younger than me - university and high school students alike. Out came pepper spray at point blank range (aiming for the face and eyes specifically) and police truncheons/batons, which quickly escalated into ruthless waves of tear gas (which is xx times more toxic than pepper spray) and guns loaded with rubber bullets.
i must say, again and again, ever since my post 3 months ago in response to the 613 東北事件 and the foreshadowing of the 7.1 Democracy March and 7.2 公民抗命, my blood has started to boil at such injustice in the society, and my voice is finally coming out.
20140629: http://lifeinrc.blogspot.hk/2014/06/20.html
三個月前我只是一個無知的少年。很服從，一向只會聽父母一切的話——不要去示威，危險。不要罷課，因爲老師不會罷教。（當然，他們兩都在大學教書，自己又不會罷教，當然也嚴禁自己子女罷課）
但是三個月前突然醒覺，自己長大了，有權利，有能力自己為自己著想，自己有自己的想法，更加思想越來越成熟，要為社會的各種各樣不公義詳細了解，決定自己的立場，發聲。
20140613 東北，看見跟我在教會裏長大的 Sunny Leung 哥哥（應該是跟我同年吧。。。？）作爲前綫人員，衝破立法會。究竟他是暴民嗎？絕對不是。
20140702 遊行后公民抗命，看見哥哥（自己親生啊哥 lol）的女朋友 Athena 因爲參與靜坐而被警察拘捕。究竟她是暴民嗎？絕對不是。
其實此時此刻，仍然對自己的政治立場有所保留。不是完全反對，但是原本就是不支持。但是到了現在，已經不只是對於佔中的立場，面前一張又一張的臉孔，被警察的胡椒噴霧和催淚彈擊中的傷痕，的悲哀，不屈服的精神。。。我忍無可忍了。
常常聼別人說，你不喜歡政治，對政治冷感，躲避不了的，因爲關乎所有人。今天，到我了。罷課大行動和全港不合作行動。
儘管一早已知道父母不會讓我這樣做，我也必須做。不是因爲 peer pressure, 不是因爲恐懼，不是因爲對佔中立場有所改變。但是因爲情況已到了危險關頭，全香港都在奮鬥、在抗命、在支持聲緩學生。這香港已經變了。這幾年已經開始了，只是自己沒有好好留心周圍現實殘酷畫面。
不站出來，也覺得慚愧，總會覺得自己沒有實現公民責任，但是也要告訴自己不要感到迷茫和無助。別人也可能會譴責我只做鍵盤戰士，更加只是 Twitter 的卑微 share photos and retweets 。。。但是起碼我有良知、有想法，不是盲目，不原意被洗腦。
還在成熟的階段中，還有漫長的路途要走。請不要放棄，支持有很多种方法，包括默默在電腦后打句祝福話語。
多麽想出去跟醫療團隊學習，獻上自己卑微的力量去幫手。那爲什麽不去吧，少年。這些機會。。。
不要再説了。更不想用父母做擋箭牌，始終還是過不了自己那關。
今晚過後（現在已清早0607，太陽已升），香港從此不一樣。我們踏進了新的抗命時代，不要為自己沒有盡的所謂 “責任” 跟外出的戰士們道歉，最緊要是自己知道自己在做什麽。
思想的確很重要。
繼續努力。
再吸取經驗（什麽經驗？鍵盤戰士？？？）和教訓。
願香港能回復平安，能夠再歸于香港公民。
Valiant warriors fighting to safeguard our future generation, take care and be safe. Salute to you all.
#HKboycott
#HKStudentStrike
#OccupyHK
#hk926
it is in the early hours of the morning. Occupy Central (OCLP) has been launched for a full day and more now, on top of HKFS's student strike and original week-long class boycott. Tensions are rising by the second and mere hours ago Hong Kong witnessed its darkest day. Police used brute force and inhumane brutality on our poor defenseless people, many of whom are students younger than me - university and high school students alike. Out came pepper spray at point blank range (aiming for the face and eyes specifically) and police truncheons/batons, which quickly escalated into ruthless waves of tear gas (which is xx times more toxic than pepper spray) and guns loaded with rubber bullets.
i must say, again and again, ever since my post 3 months ago in response to the 613 東北事件 and the foreshadowing of the 7.1 Democracy March and 7.2 公民抗命, my blood has started to boil at such injustice in the society, and my voice is finally coming out.
20140629: http://lifeinrc.blogspot.hk/2014/06/20.html
三個月前我只是一個無知的少年。很服從，一向只會聽父母一切的話——不要去示威，危險。不要罷課，因爲老師不會罷教。（當然，他們兩都在大學教書，自己又不會罷教，當然也嚴禁自己子女罷課）
但是三個月前突然醒覺，自己長大了，有權利，有能力自己為自己著想，自己有自己的想法，更加思想越來越成熟，要為社會的各種各樣不公義詳細了解，決定自己的立場，發聲。
20140613 東北，看見跟我在教會裏長大的 Sunny Leung 哥哥（應該是跟我同年吧。。。？）作爲前綫人員，衝破立法會。究竟他是暴民嗎？絕對不是。
20140702 遊行后公民抗命，看見哥哥（自己親生啊哥 lol）的女朋友 Athena 因爲參與靜坐而被警察拘捕。究竟她是暴民嗎？絕對不是。
其實此時此刻，仍然對自己的政治立場有所保留。不是完全反對，但是原本就是不支持。但是到了現在，已經不只是對於佔中的立場，面前一張又一張的臉孔，被警察的胡椒噴霧和催淚彈擊中的傷痕，的悲哀，不屈服的精神。。。我忍無可忍了。
常常聼別人說，你不喜歡政治，對政治冷感，躲避不了的，因爲關乎所有人。今天，到我了。罷課大行動和全港不合作行動。
儘管一早已知道父母不會讓我這樣做，我也必須做。不是因爲 peer pressure, 不是因爲恐懼，不是因爲對佔中立場有所改變。但是因爲情況已到了危險關頭，全香港都在奮鬥、在抗命、在支持聲緩學生。這香港已經變了。這幾年已經開始了，只是自己沒有好好留心周圍現實殘酷畫面。
不站出來，也覺得慚愧，總會覺得自己沒有實現公民責任，但是也要告訴自己不要感到迷茫和無助。別人也可能會譴責我只做鍵盤戰士，更加只是 Twitter 的卑微 share photos and retweets 。。。但是起碼我有良知、有想法，不是盲目，不原意被洗腦。
還在成熟的階段中，還有漫長的路途要走。請不要放棄，支持有很多种方法，包括默默在電腦后打句祝福話語。
多麽想出去跟醫療團隊學習，獻上自己卑微的力量去幫手。那爲什麽不去吧，少年。這些機會。。。
不要再説了。更不想用父母做擋箭牌，始終還是過不了自己那關。
今晚過後（現在已清早0607，太陽已升），香港從此不一樣。我們踏進了新的抗命時代，不要為自己沒有盡的所謂 “責任” 跟外出的戰士們道歉，最緊要是自己知道自己在做什麽。
思想的確很重要。
繼續努力。
再吸取經驗（什麽經驗？鍵盤戰士？？？）和教訓。
願香港能回復平安，能夠再歸于香港公民。
Valiant warriors fighting to safeguard our future generation, take care and be safe. Salute to you all.
Friday, September 5, 2014
ECU Chamber Singers - Good Night, Dear Heart
There's a magic here that didn't exist yesterday when I first clicked on it.
But something about it has caught my attention and I can't push it to the back of my mind when I search for other potential songs RC may sing this year.
Yet this magic has been accumulating bit by bit, slowly, softly, unknowingly. And now when I look at the score properly ... wow. There's just such a powerfully poignant air to it.
RC is still immature. And this song is not particularly difficult in terms of the words or music notes or even structure.
It's the music - the phrases - the message - that's overflowing from this clip of the ECU Chamber Singers - an outburst of emotion - of tears and love, of ages gone, of hope despite sorrow, of faith despite grief and pain, of warm sunny skies despite the darkness and empty vortex of losing a dear dear friend.
Good Night, Dear Heart.
Hope we shall do you justice.
No matter what may happen this year, I will find a way to make it work and make you prouder than ever before, beyond your wildest imagination. :')
Thursday, September 4, 2014
CVS Bedside, 20140904
Bedside with Dr KMM Ma today. Late for 20 minutes, so all the "good" cardiovascular cases were already snagged by other groups. The reserve cases all vanished too - either discharged or no longer existed. :(
Finally chanced upon a CVS case. A very nice elderly gentleman with ESM @ LSB - ejection systolic murmur at the (left) lateral sternal border - barely audible, but I could faintly locate it.
A poorly patient in the bed behind me caught my attention. The nurse was here for blood-taking and other minor procedures, presumably taking the blood sugar (finger-prick) and adjusting the IV cannula. Something about him made me linger in mid air, my focus drifted away from my case and my eyes darted sideways. He couldn't talk - possibly a stroke patient, with multiple co-morbidities. His slurred speech and indecipherable sounds and yelps of pain made me tear up behind my glasses and mask.
I was still recovering from my cold, with a hint of a sniffle and already watery eyes and clogged throat partly filled with thick mucus. I had to put much effort into suppressing my emotions.
Today I finally understood what they meant, when they said "don't get attached to your patients. Keep a certain distance and make the relationship clear - a professional one. Doctor and patient, no more, no less." :(
Having served as a hospital volunteer in the past, and placed in a geriatric ward @ Shatin Hospital, it's not the first time I've seen such cases. Hell, I've even spent days sitting with and holding the hand of a severely affected stroke patient with hemiplegia - couldn't move, couldn't feel, couldn't talk, couldn't eat, couldn't swallow - and required intensive speech therapy every day.
But I couldn't put it past me today.
I knew that I wouldn't be able to specialise in geriatric medicine in the future. Even last year, I knew. The most depressing thing about old people is that most of them do not recover. Though you may improve their quality of life, accompany them, listen to their stories as a kid, "in their days" ... but ultimately it's never a happy ending. With their endless chronic illnesses, masses of co-morbidities, often only able to receive palliative and supportive care ... it gets too much to bear, even for just a day. Not that I don't want to serve them, just that somebody's gotta get the job done, but I just feel that my calling is somewhere else (you will know it if you know me).
My heart weeps for you, good gentleman.
I wish you peace, and a hope for recovery. For relief from suffering, whatever form it may take. That every day may be filled with hidden blessings, that you may discover them, and smile once again.
Though you may never know me, I will keep you etched in the back of my memory, as part of my bedside adventures.
Farewell.
Finally chanced upon a CVS case. A very nice elderly gentleman with ESM @ LSB - ejection systolic murmur at the (left) lateral sternal border - barely audible, but I could faintly locate it.
A poorly patient in the bed behind me caught my attention. The nurse was here for blood-taking and other minor procedures, presumably taking the blood sugar (finger-prick) and adjusting the IV cannula. Something about him made me linger in mid air, my focus drifted away from my case and my eyes darted sideways. He couldn't talk - possibly a stroke patient, with multiple co-morbidities. His slurred speech and indecipherable sounds and yelps of pain made me tear up behind my glasses and mask.
I was still recovering from my cold, with a hint of a sniffle and already watery eyes and clogged throat partly filled with thick mucus. I had to put much effort into suppressing my emotions.
Today I finally understood what they meant, when they said "don't get attached to your patients. Keep a certain distance and make the relationship clear - a professional one. Doctor and patient, no more, no less." :(
Having served as a hospital volunteer in the past, and placed in a geriatric ward @ Shatin Hospital, it's not the first time I've seen such cases. Hell, I've even spent days sitting with and holding the hand of a severely affected stroke patient with hemiplegia - couldn't move, couldn't feel, couldn't talk, couldn't eat, couldn't swallow - and required intensive speech therapy every day.
But I couldn't put it past me today.
I knew that I wouldn't be able to specialise in geriatric medicine in the future. Even last year, I knew. The most depressing thing about old people is that most of them do not recover. Though you may improve their quality of life, accompany them, listen to their stories as a kid, "in their days" ... but ultimately it's never a happy ending. With their endless chronic illnesses, masses of co-morbidities, often only able to receive palliative and supportive care ... it gets too much to bear, even for just a day. Not that I don't want to serve them, just that somebody's gotta get the job done, but I just feel that my calling is somewhere else (you will know it if you know me).
My heart weeps for you, good gentleman.
I wish you peace, and a hope for recovery. For relief from suffering, whatever form it may take. That every day may be filled with hidden blessings, that you may discover them, and smile once again.
Though you may never know me, I will keep you etched in the back of my memory, as part of my bedside adventures.
Farewell.
Wednesday, July 23, 2014
Peaches and Cherries
Peaches and cherries are my favourite fruits in the world. Gawsh. I just cant resist them. Even through these icky days when my body just refuses to take in any proper food. Havent had a proper meal for the past three days. Haven't had dinner for the past two days.
Mom keeps apologising, saying she's sorry she can't help with my study (she's been saying that ever since junior high...) ... it just breaks my heart. Her soft smile and unspoken support is already a huge confidence booster to me. Her presence next to me on the dining table every single night, her peculiar 喃喃自語, her random squeals of "aiya!", just being there - a human presence - whilst everyone else is hidden in their own rooms, and as I slave away to my notes on the other end of the dining table.
So, she says, I'll buy you food you like. And like a hyperactive kid out on a field trip, she hops down to the supermarket and scavenges all over the place, returning with three full bags of food we could never finish in a week.
To clear things up a little, I dont have nasty eating habits. I'm not a picky eater, I dont leave leftovers in my bowl (not even a grain of rice, unlike my messy brother -_-), and I dont pick things out that I don't like. I eat what I'm given and my mom has taken that as a sign that whatever she gives me, I enjoy eating that food. So she buys me all sorts of foods, but secretly my favourites are just peaches and cherries :') Don't tell her that please.
I've heard all moms do that, but when it's your mom, it's kinda that much extra sweeter. And it's why I enjoy staying home. Almost everyone else has asked me at least once - why do you go home so often? Why are you always at home during the weekends or holidays? When are you coming back to hall?
And that's another reason. Hall life is absolutely wonderful - without it I would be far worse off than I am right now. But every single day (particularly now that we've hit the deep end of summer) is jam-packed with all sorts of activities. The peer pressure gets too much sometimes, even though I know I don't have to conform. And, I don't want news to spread out to the whole hall that I have to take the supplementary exam. I've only told six people in the whole hall I think - Anthony and Jackie (classmates), Yeungwing & Ode & Bobo & Seung (who told Rita, but it's okay). It's great having the extra support, but I just wanna keep it closed. As I've always said, it's my own damn problem and i'll damn right get it fixed myself. It's a lesson I have to learn the hard way - unfortunate but necessary.
But anyway. Peaches and cherries. I've never bought them myself when I go shopping for my own cooking at hall. They're quite expensive to be on my budget shopping list (don't even try to guess how much money I spend on food when I'm at hall lol), so I usually just grab a bunch of bananas or a few apples as my fruit of the day (or fruit of the week, as I only pop in the supermarket once a week or less.
So, it's wonderful to be back at home for the summer. I really feel like I missed out on a lot during term time - my brother's spending more time at home, my sister's having lots of precious alone time with my parents without me in the way (you're welcome Diane!), and in general as I can feel myself transforming over these two short years (so far), I feel I have a need to portray this transformation to my parents, so that they can witness my growth and maturation too. They will always be part of my journey :')
So had my first supplementary paper today - Minicases. The most dreaded, the beast, the monster - I could use a hundred adjectives to describe its monstrosity, how petrifying it is, it sends shivers down my spine just picturing it in my mind. But I got through it alive. It wasn't my best attempt, but I really hope I have enough in the bag to hit a pass mark. (Touch wood).
Second and my final supplementary paper is on Friday before I fly out to Taipei for TICF. It's MCQ and EMQ, surprisingly a weakness of mine, since SAQ is deemed to be the harder paper, which I passed (barely, but still, ultimately, a pass).
I must take his personal space to thank everyone who has boosted me and egged me on when I felt like the whole world was gonna come crushing down on me. If anyone ever comes across this, you guys really inspired me to take my wings and continue soaring upwards once again. The skies are opening up~
Mom keeps apologising, saying she's sorry she can't help with my study (she's been saying that ever since junior high...) ... it just breaks my heart. Her soft smile and unspoken support is already a huge confidence booster to me. Her presence next to me on the dining table every single night, her peculiar 喃喃自語, her random squeals of "aiya!", just being there - a human presence - whilst everyone else is hidden in their own rooms, and as I slave away to my notes on the other end of the dining table.
So, she says, I'll buy you food you like. And like a hyperactive kid out on a field trip, she hops down to the supermarket and scavenges all over the place, returning with three full bags of food we could never finish in a week.
To clear things up a little, I dont have nasty eating habits. I'm not a picky eater, I dont leave leftovers in my bowl (not even a grain of rice, unlike my messy brother -_-), and I dont pick things out that I don't like. I eat what I'm given and my mom has taken that as a sign that whatever she gives me, I enjoy eating that food. So she buys me all sorts of foods, but secretly my favourites are just peaches and cherries :') Don't tell her that please.
I've heard all moms do that, but when it's your mom, it's kinda that much extra sweeter. And it's why I enjoy staying home. Almost everyone else has asked me at least once - why do you go home so often? Why are you always at home during the weekends or holidays? When are you coming back to hall?
And that's another reason. Hall life is absolutely wonderful - without it I would be far worse off than I am right now. But every single day (particularly now that we've hit the deep end of summer) is jam-packed with all sorts of activities. The peer pressure gets too much sometimes, even though I know I don't have to conform. And, I don't want news to spread out to the whole hall that I have to take the supplementary exam. I've only told six people in the whole hall I think - Anthony and Jackie (classmates), Yeungwing & Ode & Bobo & Seung (who told Rita, but it's okay). It's great having the extra support, but I just wanna keep it closed. As I've always said, it's my own damn problem and i'll damn right get it fixed myself. It's a lesson I have to learn the hard way - unfortunate but necessary.
But anyway. Peaches and cherries. I've never bought them myself when I go shopping for my own cooking at hall. They're quite expensive to be on my budget shopping list (don't even try to guess how much money I spend on food when I'm at hall lol), so I usually just grab a bunch of bananas or a few apples as my fruit of the day (or fruit of the week, as I only pop in the supermarket once a week or less.
So, it's wonderful to be back at home for the summer. I really feel like I missed out on a lot during term time - my brother's spending more time at home, my sister's having lots of precious alone time with my parents without me in the way (you're welcome Diane!), and in general as I can feel myself transforming over these two short years (so far), I feel I have a need to portray this transformation to my parents, so that they can witness my growth and maturation too. They will always be part of my journey :')
So had my first supplementary paper today - Minicases. The most dreaded, the beast, the monster - I could use a hundred adjectives to describe its monstrosity, how petrifying it is, it sends shivers down my spine just picturing it in my mind. But I got through it alive. It wasn't my best attempt, but I really hope I have enough in the bag to hit a pass mark. (Touch wood).
Second and my final supplementary paper is on Friday before I fly out to Taipei for TICF. It's MCQ and EMQ, surprisingly a weakness of mine, since SAQ is deemed to be the harder paper, which I passed (barely, but still, ultimately, a pass).
I must take his personal space to thank everyone who has boosted me and egged me on when I felt like the whole world was gonna come crushing down on me. If anyone ever comes across this, you guys really inspired me to take my wings and continue soaring upwards once again. The skies are opening up~
Sunday, June 29, 2014
20前夕。
20歲的前夕。。。再次感到空虛、無助、低落。
為咩？
為這個城市，兩年前只差一點點就離開了的安樂窩。
為未來，不是自己的未來，而是香港和香港人的未來。
為今早牧師的講道，為這地的平安。
大學前從來都不關心社會，從來都沒有感受過做香港公民的責任，不喜歡、害怕、躲避時事和政治議題。
但是，大學跟社堂改變了一切。
對，我很被動。
對，我沒有用實際行動去説明自己的立場。
對，我還是恐懼面對這些敏感話題。
但是，我知道自己在不斷地成長，思想在成熟，慢慢在摸索、尋找自我。
也許因爲不斷見到身邊的長輩、老師、師兄師姐、堂友、同學們都在facebook share post，以前會選擇skip和不想理會的事情，今天，會詳細閲讀每一粒字。中文多差也要讀到尾。
最深刻或許是因爲見到在教會裏的一位青少年，跟我同年的，Sunny Leung（現在讀City soc work）。。。在613東北事件，有份參與衝破立法會，爲了社會卻被警察狠狠的毆打。。。我第一次從心底感到，驚恐慌張，不知所措。香港到底變成了什麽的地方。
我不再是小孩。更加應該擁抱長大的過程。20歲，是一個新的開始。因爲太多太多事情而要restart。
再説，今早在教會裏聽到牧師的講道。
很多都忘記了。（慚愧。。。牧師請原諒我吧。。。）
但是。聽到最令我毛骨悚然的是，exactly 100年前，1914，第一次世界大戰爆發。
1945，第二次世界大戰結束，差不多70年前。
而第一次世界大戰跟第二次世界大戰之間，1914到1945，31年。。。
而第二次世界大戰到現在。。。1945到2014，快70年。。。
原來，我們已經享受了70年的平安。
平安是什麽？
當然，中間有無數的Civil Wars，Unrest，悲劇每年都發生。你可以說，現代的世界，陷入困境，歷史也不斷重復。。。一點都不平安。
但是，70年來都沒有世界大戰等級的大型暴亂，這，的確來得不易。
慶幸。
感恩。
但不敢忘記、不敢再無視、不敢再那麽自私只顧及自己，由自己出發。
20了。香港是我家，必須堅守到底。
年輕人，拿出勇氣吧。大學生，step out of your comfort zone，think outside the box，不要再盲目在別人的影子裏躲避。
今年生日，一點都不快樂。
惟有為長大、為成長、為成熟來迎接20吧。
苦笑。
繼續努力。
共勉之~
為咩？
為這個城市，兩年前只差一點點就離開了的安樂窩。
為未來，不是自己的未來，而是香港和香港人的未來。
為今早牧師的講道，為這地的平安。
大學前從來都不關心社會，從來都沒有感受過做香港公民的責任，不喜歡、害怕、躲避時事和政治議題。
但是，大學跟社堂改變了一切。
對，我很被動。
對，我沒有用實際行動去説明自己的立場。
對，我還是恐懼面對這些敏感話題。
但是，我知道自己在不斷地成長，思想在成熟，慢慢在摸索、尋找自我。
也許因爲不斷見到身邊的長輩、老師、師兄師姐、堂友、同學們都在facebook share post，以前會選擇skip和不想理會的事情，今天，會詳細閲讀每一粒字。中文多差也要讀到尾。
最深刻或許是因爲見到在教會裏的一位青少年，跟我同年的，Sunny Leung（現在讀City soc work）。。。在613東北事件，有份參與衝破立法會，爲了社會卻被警察狠狠的毆打。。。我第一次從心底感到，驚恐慌張，不知所措。香港到底變成了什麽的地方。
我不再是小孩。更加應該擁抱長大的過程。20歲，是一個新的開始。因爲太多太多事情而要restart。
再説，今早在教會裏聽到牧師的講道。
很多都忘記了。（慚愧。。。牧師請原諒我吧。。。）
但是。聽到最令我毛骨悚然的是，exactly 100年前，1914，第一次世界大戰爆發。
1945，第二次世界大戰結束，差不多70年前。
而第一次世界大戰跟第二次世界大戰之間，1914到1945，31年。。。
而第二次世界大戰到現在。。。1945到2014，快70年。。。
原來，我們已經享受了70年的平安。
平安是什麽？
當然，中間有無數的Civil Wars，Unrest，悲劇每年都發生。你可以說，現代的世界，陷入困境，歷史也不斷重復。。。一點都不平安。
但是，70年來都沒有世界大戰等級的大型暴亂，這，的確來得不易。
慶幸。
感恩。
但不敢忘記、不敢再無視、不敢再那麽自私只顧及自己，由自己出發。
20了。香港是我家，必須堅守到底。
年輕人，拿出勇氣吧。大學生，step out of your comfort zone，think outside the box，不要再盲目在別人的影子裏躲避。
今年生日，一點都不快樂。
惟有為長大、為成長、為成熟來迎接20吧。
苦笑。
繼續努力。
共勉之~
Wednesday, June 11, 2014
Motivational Minute #41 - Dream Big
My hero Nick Vujicic again :')
"What's my biggest dream? To just do my best."
"Dreams start with sort of like this voice in your head saying "are you serious?", even family members saying "you're crazy!"."
"Aim your dreams and goals to the heavens, so if they miss, they're still up there with the stars."
--
:')
Dream-catcher, 2014.06.08 :')
Tuesday, June 10, 2014
2014.06.08 - one of those nights you hope to be etched in your memory, forever.
A concert I was super hyped up about, and what a concert indeed! It delivered on so many different levels, I don't even know which level to begin on. It has taken me two whole days to organise my thoughts and feelings into readable words and understandable expressions - basically :') has represented the lovely shell and happy little bubble I've been floating around in ever since Coach's magic dissipated around the concert hall and touched each and every person's heart. This magic, this power, this invisible force, was incredulous. He had everyone in the palm of his hands, every pair of eyes was glued, fixated onto his whole being, and I didn't dare to breathe for fear of breaking this magic.
I say again, I have never enjoyed a performance so much as that night's.
Let me rephrase.
I have never fallen in love with a performance quite like this one. Everything about it just pulled me towards its centre, a swirling vortex of the mysterious appeal that such beautiful music intrinsically contains deep within. I was mesmerised, transfixed, frozen in time and space, it felt as if the whole world had stopped and the only living thing was the music that flowed through timelessly. I can't even begin to describe it.
It may sound ridiculous, what I'm typing ... fantastical, otherworldly, fiction-like ... but it's true. This is how I feel.
And just as part of the audience, this experience was more than a magic carpet ride. For a long while I felt as if I could step into the shoes of the performers, the amazing CU Chorus, and share this priceless experience from their perspective.
I still remember back in high school, in Year 10, I had to produce a work of creative writing as part of my English Language coursework. And back then since music had taken up a dominating role in my school life, home life, and social life, I decided to embark on a creative musical literary journey (did that sequence of jargon even make any sense...)
In the end, the night before it was due, I named it "The Phenomenon".
In a nutshell, it was a short piece (less than two sides of A4, since there was a word limit) describing an orchestral concert, jumping back and forth between the perspectives of the performer and the listener - two roles which were essentially the same person (myself), and together the shared experience came together to create the entire picture outside the box, which was bigger than the sum of its parts.
Anyway. This experience of seemingly sharing the stage as part of CU Chorus was brought to life right before my eyes, it felt so ... possible ... and so personal, and I just let myself slip away from reality right then and right there, and let everything wash over me ...
Yeah. It hit me that hard. Hope no one ever reads this cos y'all will think I'm bonkers. I dont even know what I typed up there^. Just the bottom line:
I've never completely fallen in love with a performance ... until 2014.06.08.
Bravo, brava. Hats off to every single member of CU Chorus.
Thank you for sharing something so precious, something you hold so dearly to your hearts, something you absolutely poured your whole heart and soul and entire being into.
"That was it."
:')
A concert I was super hyped up about, and what a concert indeed! It delivered on so many different levels, I don't even know which level to begin on. It has taken me two whole days to organise my thoughts and feelings into readable words and understandable expressions - basically :') has represented the lovely shell and happy little bubble I've been floating around in ever since Coach's magic dissipated around the concert hall and touched each and every person's heart. This magic, this power, this invisible force, was incredulous. He had everyone in the palm of his hands, every pair of eyes was glued, fixated onto his whole being, and I didn't dare to breathe for fear of breaking this magic.
I say again, I have never enjoyed a performance so much as that night's.
Let me rephrase.
I have never fallen in love with a performance quite like this one. Everything about it just pulled me towards its centre, a swirling vortex of the mysterious appeal that such beautiful music intrinsically contains deep within. I was mesmerised, transfixed, frozen in time and space, it felt as if the whole world had stopped and the only living thing was the music that flowed through timelessly. I can't even begin to describe it.
It may sound ridiculous, what I'm typing ... fantastical, otherworldly, fiction-like ... but it's true. This is how I feel.
And just as part of the audience, this experience was more than a magic carpet ride. For a long while I felt as if I could step into the shoes of the performers, the amazing CU Chorus, and share this priceless experience from their perspective.
I still remember back in high school, in Year 10, I had to produce a work of creative writing as part of my English Language coursework. And back then since music had taken up a dominating role in my school life, home life, and social life, I decided to embark on a creative musical literary journey (did that sequence of jargon even make any sense...)
In the end, the night before it was due, I named it "The Phenomenon".
In a nutshell, it was a short piece (less than two sides of A4, since there was a word limit) describing an orchestral concert, jumping back and forth between the perspectives of the performer and the listener - two roles which were essentially the same person (myself), and together the shared experience came together to create the entire picture outside the box, which was bigger than the sum of its parts.
Anyway. This experience of seemingly sharing the stage as part of CU Chorus was brought to life right before my eyes, it felt so ... possible ... and so personal, and I just let myself slip away from reality right then and right there, and let everything wash over me ...
Yeah. It hit me that hard. Hope no one ever reads this cos y'all will think I'm bonkers. I dont even know what I typed up there^. Just the bottom line:
I've never completely fallen in love with a performance ... until 2014.06.08.
Bravo, brava. Hats off to every single member of CU Chorus.
Thank you for sharing something so precious, something you hold so dearly to your hearts, something you absolutely poured your whole heart and soul and entire being into.
"That was it."
:')
Saturday, May 31, 2014
TedxHongKongED 2014
20140531 2230
Wow! had a really rewarding day - up fresh at 0730 despite only having a terrible 4 hours of zzz time in desperate fear of a mosquito buzzing around my room leeching off my O+ blood CRYCRY!!! :'(
anyway... then had a nice breakfast with plastic B, then set off for TedxHongKongED - the first TED event I've been to. (thanks wlcp for the invite!!!)
http://tedxed.hk/
though sitting for 6-7 hours really made my butt and back all sore ... it was pretty worth it (Y)
ofc, you might say that these independent TED events are nothing like the real thing ... but hey, we're all just simple human beings, and we can all learn something cool from other human beings :)
obviously some speakers were better than others, some messages hit home much more powerfully than others did. But that aint matter, cos at the end of the day, I was pretty blown away by some of the stuff that went on in those other human beings' lives. Not that they had the greatest opportunities in life, but HOW they dealt with the adversities in their lives and transformed themselves and changed their perspectives, and smashed apart those obstacles using an alternative method.
It was incredible, one speaker talked of her daughter born without a heartbeat or breath, almost brain dead, and pronounced by doctors likely to be both physically and mentally incapacitated for the whole of her life ... only to survive with severe cerebral palsy but at the same time now is one of the most inspiring people I have ever heard of! And she's still a high schooler in KGV! that makes me feel like, she could've been in my class, and how would I have treasured such an opportunity to interact with her! She really reminds me of Nick Vujicic (my hero)
http://tedxed.hk/speaker/kim-anderson/
"It's not what life throws at you. It's how you react to what life throws at you."
"You can be who you want to be. The biggest opponent in life is always going to be yourself."
(a close friend has said this to me before and I truly embrace it, though incredibly difficult in practice)
"You must fail in life, in order to find ways to overcome the obstacle and achieve more. If you're afraid of failing you'll never succeed."
Again, Nick Vujicic. "You need courage to fail."
"Courage is the strength that overrides all the fear to give you strength to just try anyway."
I'm pretty damn sure it's not the first time I've heard such messages before, but in that particular time and place and context ... everything just naturally fell into place perfectly and punched a provocative message out to me. It's not something I will forget in a while.
And then, there was something entirely unbeknownst to me, in my little happy bubble of ignorance - robotics. Evidently I'd heard the term before, broken concepts here and there, and even studied AI (artificial intelligence) during IB philosophy - but it just seemed like an entirely different universe! I came to realise how revolutionary robotics research and design had become over the past decade, how wrong my initial perspective had been, and how immensely useful they could actually prove to be o_o
My second favourite one (my favourite was the beautiful KGV girl with cerebral palsy who can work wonders despite having mega mega mega motor deficits and 24/7 physical dependence.
oh oops anyway, my second favourite one was about robotics replicating neurobehaviour and human facial expressions, in relation to the human brain and neural connections and everything above and beyond it. It was a pretty good summary of the neuroanatomy I've been learning this year, and I just obsessed over it. And a more primitive robot was built a little while ago to aid medical technology for complex neural conditions such as autism (autism, being one of my life obsessions) ... and I suddenly felt totally absorbed. The speaker was using all sorts of fancy neurology terms and I understood every single word haha (i even turned to wlcp and asked her if it was quite sad, she looked at me dead in the eye and said definitively ... yeah @@)
and for their latest robot, they created one that imitated a baby - with its ability for classical conditioning, complete with the inherent mother-baby bond (e.g. baby cries when mother leaves his/her line of sight), and they showed the different layers they replicated to mimic the intricate components of the brain that control individual elements like facial expression (muscle control) and stuff. E.g. basal ganglia as a networking system linking cortices with the brainstem, superior colliculus that picks up loud sounds, etc.
The baby was so cute! :3
And it really made me think hard - how much this is going to influence my practice in the future, if I am privileged enough to be working with kids and using such mindblowing technology. That would just be way cool. Wicked.
All in all, very excited for what the future has in store for us all! Embrace challenges, embrace failures, embrace every single life lesson :') and treasure all the people around you, who will only make you stronger. not because they can educate you and teach you and impart knowledge to you - but because they will inspire you to seek knowledge on your own, at your own pace, driven and motivated by your own soul.
Time to set the world on fire~!
Wow! had a really rewarding day - up fresh at 0730 despite only having a terrible 4 hours of zzz time in desperate fear of a mosquito buzzing around my room leeching off my O+ blood CRYCRY!!! :'(
anyway... then had a nice breakfast with plastic B, then set off for TedxHongKongED - the first TED event I've been to. (thanks wlcp for the invite!!!)
http://tedxed.hk/
though sitting for 6-7 hours really made my butt and back all sore ... it was pretty worth it (Y)
ofc, you might say that these independent TED events are nothing like the real thing ... but hey, we're all just simple human beings, and we can all learn something cool from other human beings :)
obviously some speakers were better than others, some messages hit home much more powerfully than others did. But that aint matter, cos at the end of the day, I was pretty blown away by some of the stuff that went on in those other human beings' lives. Not that they had the greatest opportunities in life, but HOW they dealt with the adversities in their lives and transformed themselves and changed their perspectives, and smashed apart those obstacles using an alternative method.
It was incredible, one speaker talked of her daughter born without a heartbeat or breath, almost brain dead, and pronounced by doctors likely to be both physically and mentally incapacitated for the whole of her life ... only to survive with severe cerebral palsy but at the same time now is one of the most inspiring people I have ever heard of! And she's still a high schooler in KGV! that makes me feel like, she could've been in my class, and how would I have treasured such an opportunity to interact with her! She really reminds me of Nick Vujicic (my hero)
http://tedxed.hk/speaker/kim-anderson/
"It's not what life throws at you. It's how you react to what life throws at you."
"You can be who you want to be. The biggest opponent in life is always going to be yourself."
(a close friend has said this to me before and I truly embrace it, though incredibly difficult in practice)
"You must fail in life, in order to find ways to overcome the obstacle and achieve more. If you're afraid of failing you'll never succeed."
Again, Nick Vujicic. "You need courage to fail."
"Courage is the strength that overrides all the fear to give you strength to just try anyway."
I'm pretty damn sure it's not the first time I've heard such messages before, but in that particular time and place and context ... everything just naturally fell into place perfectly and punched a provocative message out to me. It's not something I will forget in a while.
And then, there was something entirely unbeknownst to me, in my little happy bubble of ignorance - robotics. Evidently I'd heard the term before, broken concepts here and there, and even studied AI (artificial intelligence) during IB philosophy - but it just seemed like an entirely different universe! I came to realise how revolutionary robotics research and design had become over the past decade, how wrong my initial perspective had been, and how immensely useful they could actually prove to be o_o
My second favourite one (my favourite was the beautiful KGV girl with cerebral palsy who can work wonders despite having mega mega mega motor deficits and 24/7 physical dependence.
oh oops anyway, my second favourite one was about robotics replicating neurobehaviour and human facial expressions, in relation to the human brain and neural connections and everything above and beyond it. It was a pretty good summary of the neuroanatomy I've been learning this year, and I just obsessed over it. And a more primitive robot was built a little while ago to aid medical technology for complex neural conditions such as autism (autism, being one of my life obsessions) ... and I suddenly felt totally absorbed. The speaker was using all sorts of fancy neurology terms and I understood every single word haha (i even turned to wlcp and asked her if it was quite sad, she looked at me dead in the eye and said definitively ... yeah @@)
and for their latest robot, they created one that imitated a baby - with its ability for classical conditioning, complete with the inherent mother-baby bond (e.g. baby cries when mother leaves his/her line of sight), and they showed the different layers they replicated to mimic the intricate components of the brain that control individual elements like facial expression (muscle control) and stuff. E.g. basal ganglia as a networking system linking cortices with the brainstem, superior colliculus that picks up loud sounds, etc.
The baby was so cute! :3
And it really made me think hard - how much this is going to influence my practice in the future, if I am privileged enough to be working with kids and using such mindblowing technology. That would just be way cool. Wicked.
All in all, very excited for what the future has in store for us all! Embrace challenges, embrace failures, embrace every single life lesson :') and treasure all the people around you, who will only make you stronger. not because they can educate you and teach you and impart knowledge to you - but because they will inspire you to seek knowledge on your own, at your own pace, driven and motivated by your own soul.
Time to set the world on fire~!
Monday, May 26, 2014
Motivational Minute #27 - How to Reach Unknown Potential
20140526 2710
My hero Nick again - saviour of the day as always.
--
"Sure, maybe I can't do what you can do, but I know I am reaching out for my full potential."
"If you think you've reached your full potential, you haven't. Because you still have tomorrow. There's always something new that you can learn today and tomorrow. Grow in different ways."
"What can you do now?"
"Until you learn to do your best with what you have, you will never reach your full potential."
--
Still reflecting about his Motivational Minute a couple days back, about having the courage to fail. And courage being the strength that overrides all the fear to give you strength to - JUST. TRY. ANYWAY.
Real deep stuff, but strangely I feel so empowered by his simple words. Simple words that I've heard in a different context, by a different speaker, spoken differently. But when it comes from Nick's mouth, it just has this. Magic. to it. This unknown quality, this. This. ... this. um. Down to earth. Heartiness. Empathy. Poignant. I can't find the right word. It's just like bam. And then suddenly I find myself tearing up and thinking how bitchy I've been acting lately. So what if I'm not as good as my classmates? So what if I have to retake? It's not the end of the road, the light at the end of the tunnel hasn't diminished. It's just a different route there perhaps.
Really makes you think on your toes and keeps you on edge hmm... what can I do now?
Make the best of what I've got.
Have the courage to try, even though I'm afraid.
Overcome my fears, and convince myself that I can become the person I wanna be.
I have this perhaps dumb habit of not openly sharing my thanks to the people I wanna thank ... but cheers to everyone who's uplifted me and rooted for me all the way through in these dark dark days. Really owe my life to you guys.
Really, thanks from the bottom of my heart.
Epiphany of the Day #2
"Don't only practice your art.
But force your way into its secrets.
For it and knowledge can
Raise men to the Divine."
But force your way into its secrets.
For it and knowledge can
Raise men to the Divine."
Saturday, May 24, 2014
Motivational Minute #24 - Courage
My hero, Nick Vujicic.
He's been to Hong Kong a couple times now, and on one of those times I actually went to see him, with my whole family, of course. He is one of the most amazing men I have met in my life. God has really used him so much it's just incredible how much I love Nick. I even wrote my Philosophy coursework term paper using his music video, "Something More".
And tonight. After a terrible night of turmoil last night, just trying to slap myself awake from my depression, I opened up YouTube ... and Nick popped up right to my eyes.
--
"You don't need courage to win, you need courage to fail."
"You're not afraid of winning, you're afraid of failing".
"Fear doesn't go anyway, you can't suppress it ... "just have a positive attitude, don't worry about-" - NO. the fear is there, acknowledge the fear. But courage is the strength that overrides all the fear to give you the strength to - JUST. TRY. ANYWAY."
"Yeah it's hard, but ... it's okay. It's a journey of ups and downs. If you wanna live a life without limits, you need courage to try, when you're afraid".
--
Courage. Is this what I'm lacking? Courage and confidence?
My head is messing with me so damn much. No, ofc not, I have courage and confidence to face my exams. But outwardly, no one can see it. Cos the things I do and the words I say to others ... create the whole impression that I'm a loser who can't face my own problems and can't find help to solve my own problems.
But ofc that's not true. I just don't like sharing my problems with others. I don't like seeking help cos I know I gotta fix my own damn problems by myself. But sometimes these worries are just too big and they just get the better of me, and I don't know how to patch 'em back right. That's when I explode and even without directly telling others ... they can see it.
So who am I, really?
Just a kid. A vulnerable lonely kid who doesn't deserve other people's care and concern. :(
Maybe I've stepped too far out of my comfort zone, too soon. And I just need to stick with what I know, the basics, get those done first, before I can brave greater heights.
I just need to have courage to fail. And once I look past that, it's gonna give me a whole new perspective on the Hell I'm going through right now. Cos it's nowhere near Hell. I have no clue, my conditions are so good compared to some others. I'm such an idiot.
Get back up. Stand tall on your feet, you know you aint gonna let nothin knock you down and make you stay down. I'm the only barrier to finding my true self, finding my own feet.
Resilience.
Courage.
Thanks Nick!
Thursday, May 22, 2014
Story of My Life (One Direction -- Piano/Cello Cover) - ThePianoGuys (+p...
Incredulously beautiful.
They have got to be my favourite YouTubers of all time, TPG, from the time they officially became a group (not just the duo with Jon and Steven, but also the camera guys!!!)
I probably first started watching only because of Steven Sharp Nelson, but I grew to love everything about them - from their pure covers to mix and mashups and arrangements and collaborations and scenery and everything about them just touched my heart so deeply. :')
And on this very dreary rainy Friday where I'm still feeling a bit lost and blue, with exams still looming up ahead for another week, I rediscover my strength and spirit and inspiration here. Their music is so heartwarming and beautiful. And through their music, they're out on a mission to tell the whole world of their story of life. Life is beautiful. :')
"Life is a gift, and it offers us the privilege, opportunity, and responsibility to give something back by becoming more."
Epiphany of the Day #1
20140522 2150
"Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal." - 2 Corinthians 4:16-18
Corinthians is my favourite book in the Bible. Though Psalms is absolutely beautiful, Corinthians will always have a special place in my heart. <3
"Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal." - 2 Corinthians 4:16-18
Corinthians is my favourite book in the Bible. Though Psalms is absolutely beautiful, Corinthians will always have a special place in my heart. <3
13 If I speak in the tongues[a] of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. 2 If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. 3 If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast,[b] but do not have love, I gain nothing.
4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
8 Love never fails.
13 And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.
I will be still, and know you are God. My pillar of strength:')
Tuesday, May 20, 2014
lost...
20140520 2314
Feeling lost...
Thank the heavens for mnemonics.
As Prof Kwong says, "your intellect is much smaller than you think it is". So don't try to remember extra details. cos you wont be able to.
Damn...
Skull foramina mnemonics. For dumb ppl like me who can never remember all of the skull foramina, and please do not show a skull to us during dead OSCA and expect us to know everything about any one foramen. I will pass out.
p.s. i DID NOT draw this. obviously. i cant draw for life. cry.
Feeling lost...
Thank the heavens for mnemonics.
As Prof Kwong says, "your intellect is much smaller than you think it is". So don't try to remember extra details. cos you wont be able to.
Damn...
Skull foramina mnemonics. For dumb ppl like me who can never remember all of the skull foramina, and please do not show a skull to us during dead OSCA and expect us to know everything about any one foramen. I will pass out.
p.s. i DID NOT draw this. obviously. i cant draw for life. cry.
say whaaaaaat! crazy impressive. though not so user friendly for me. though my notes are even more squished than this, find this a bit hard to see.
well i'm screwed.
Tuesday, April 29, 2014
Emissary Vein.
Study Pressure Post #2
30.04.2014 3.33am
Emissary vein.
My way of remembering it? In misery vein.
Though I am not totally in utter and despair misery, my mind is clouded.
Fear is not in my way, though it is imminent.
Ofc, ofc, don't let the fear of striking out prevent you from loving and playing the game.
Be brave. Stand strong. Have faith. You will make it. Support. Give you fire.
Words without worth, without value. Under any other circumstance they would make me tear up and discover that newfound ounce of strength safely tucked away in my heart.
But no. Saying them to myself never works.
I want to be motivated. I am driving myself. Pushing myself. Kicking, punching. Screaming. Exploding inside. Yet appearing calm on the outside.
I can do this. My endurance is enough to keep me going for weeks. (not...)
Isn't this part of my training? As a musician, as an athlete? Perseverance?
Get your head in the game.
Even if the examiners don't think you're worthy of a pass, at least you know you've egged out 500% of strength and willpower that's bursting inside you.
As I write this, I am strangely calm. I've been calm all along, just that revision seems so unproductive and inefficient and I just wish I had the same energy and motivation that drove me through my IB exams.
I. Just. Want. To. Study.
In peace.
Please.
30.04.2014 3.33am
Emissary vein.
My way of remembering it? In misery vein.
Though I am not totally in utter and despair misery, my mind is clouded.
Fear is not in my way, though it is imminent.
Ofc, ofc, don't let the fear of striking out prevent you from loving and playing the game.
Be brave. Stand strong. Have faith. You will make it. Support. Give you fire.
Words without worth, without value. Under any other circumstance they would make me tear up and discover that newfound ounce of strength safely tucked away in my heart.
But no. Saying them to myself never works.
I want to be motivated. I am driving myself. Pushing myself. Kicking, punching. Screaming. Exploding inside. Yet appearing calm on the outside.
I can do this. My endurance is enough to keep me going for weeks. (not...)
Isn't this part of my training? As a musician, as an athlete? Perseverance?
Get your head in the game.
Even if the examiners don't think you're worthy of a pass, at least you know you've egged out 500% of strength and willpower that's bursting inside you.
As I write this, I am strangely calm. I've been calm all along, just that revision seems so unproductive and inefficient and I just wish I had the same energy and motivation that drove me through my IB exams.
I. Just. Want. To. Study.
In peace.
Please.
Sunday, April 27, 2014
Things Moms Want Their Daughters To Know
is it weird i find this so comforting and strangely hilarious at the same time? ^u^
Wednesday, April 23, 2014
Grade 3 piano sight reading (2nd time)
https://plus.google.com/photos?pid=6005769910844457906&oid=107972878962462154297
Suddenly wanna play piano.
glitches, glitches everywhere.
Suddenly wanna play piano.
glitches, glitches everywhere.
Saturday, April 19, 2014
George Enescu - Romanian Rhapsody N° 1 Op 11 (Celibidache)
Celibidache - (one of) Coach's favourite conductor(s).
Before he mentioned it to me a couple days ago, I'd never even heard of him. And that first instant I bumped into his vid - Pictures at an Exhibition (does Coach think I still have an obsession over it though maybe yes i do) - wasn't exactly my greatest impression of the great Maestro that I have come to realise now.
And pretty much spent the whole of yesterday afternoon watching Celibidache. His documentary - "You don't do anything, you let it evolve" - really is fascinating indeed. Though a huge shame that the guy who uploaded it has only provided eng subs for the first half ... the other half is in italian subs only -cry-!!! T_T
And after watching so much Celibidache ... I can't say I really like him all that much, but he has that wow factor that's like a magnet pulling me closer to delving deeper into his world. And what a world it is. Just like so many other things in life, I have the utmost respect and admiration for this great man, though I feel like I would not get along with him. I'd cave in to his criticisms and imposing and bold personality hahah~
In fact, I see a bit of him within Coach. (oh gosh if you ever read this ... don't comment.) the first impression comes from a clip in-rehearsal - when he barks at the pianist "tempo!! what's the matter with you?" xD
One thing is without doubt: Celibidache is an incredible teacher. I learnt so much just from watching his documentary!!! Though I don't agree with everything he says (only natural i think... or else i'd just be like a guard dog or yes-man), and there are some things in the documentary he said which I don't understand ... but I'm so glad Coach introduced me to his vids. Actually I stumbled upon his documentary a little by accident. A day or two I saw Coach post a Fb status, and even changed his Ig status to "You don't do anything, you let it evolve" ... and did not have a blinking clue as to what he was on about. Then yesterday as I watched more Celibidache, it suddenly appeared.
Somehow I feel a bit like I've intruded on Coach's privacy and his "space".
--
Anyway. back to Enescu's Romanian Rhapsody (which he composed at 19!!!). *v* Played this with YSO a couple years back and had a blast, one of those pieces that really stuck in my mind and I'd instantly be able to play the whole thing through if you gave me the cello score xD
It's such a fun piece! And "fun" is exactly what Celibidache gave in this vid. Such charisma! Such life he breathed into it! Shake of the hips here, twitch of the fingers there, stroke of the hair (such flamboyance... though I can't deny it doesnt suit him or that I don't like it, lol~) ... I had so much fun just watching him conduct. His facial expressions are priceless.
"Experience". Not just understand. - what Celibidache emphasised in the documentary. And again another reference to Coach - "music is not a bunch of cues". In Celibidache's direct words - "music is not just notes or intonation."
He also said, "you cannot define music". But, when you hear it, you will be able to say "that is music". Simply, "that's it". Not "that's beautiful, wonderful ...", but ... as direct as can possibly be, "that's it"!
And "he (his student) must find the reality behind the notes on his own. Reality that can't be interpreted". For it is not Celibidache's interpretation. Celibidache didn't write it. For the composer started with the experience and came to find the notes, whereas we start with the notes and come to find the experience. Wow. that really struck me hard. Just reading it, makes perfect sense. Of course. But when you think deeper ... really gives you a reality check. Perhaps that's what makes him so legendary.
And whilst I toil through my study, I shall engrave Celibidache's words into the back of my mind - find the reality that can't be interpreted. There is beauty within the music, and I will come to find that beneath beauty there lies truth.
Thank you Coach, thank you Celibidache~!
Wednesday, April 16, 2014
RC Choir 2013-14 #4
16.04.2014 1430
"We are each of us angels with only one wing, and we can only fly embracing each other" - Luciano De Crescenzo
"Many people will walk in and out of our life, but only true friends will leave footprints in your heart" - Eleanor Roosevelt
"Music speaks what cannot be expressed, soothes the mind and gives it rest, heals the heart and makes it whole, flows from heaven to the soul"
"When you are enjoying life time flies by, when you are not it stands still, though in reflection of this stillness, the observant may note how much of it has passed, and how much has been wasted"
"When people bother you in any way, it is because their souls are trying to get your divine attention and your blessing" - Catherine Ponder
"Do all the good you can, by all the means you can, in all the ways you can, in all the places you can, at all the times you can, to all the people you can, as long as ever you can" - John Wesley
"Participate joyfully in the sorrows of the world. We cannot cure the world of sorrows, but we can choose to live in joy" - Joseph Campbell
"The journey of life is like a man riding a bicycle. We know he got on the bicycle and started to move. We know that at some point he will stop and get off. We know that if he stops moving and does not get off he will fall off" - William Golding
"Life is intrinsically, well, boring and dangerous at the same time. At any given moment the floor may open up. Of course, it almost never does; that's what makes it so boring" - Edward Gorey
--
And somehow though yesterday was essentially, what may be said to be the "farewell" rehearsal of rehearsals (double pun haha get it?) ... and in my heart I was crying cos I really didn't want it to end right there, right then ... but somehow all I could feel externally, was an unexplained joy.
Perhaps I was disappointed by the turnout. 2 sopranos (only one of who can sing @ farewell), 3 altos (2 can sing @ farewell), 2 tenors, and 2 basses (1 in the beginning). Just admit it, I scared the others away. Hmm...
Anyway. This undescribable joy. Wasn't total "yay omg happiest day of my life" kind of joy. But a slight flutter, the kind that makes you just wanna keep smiling ... y'know?
And the joy extended, and stuck by my side throughout the whole night, and even this morning it still hasn't totally vanished yet. Though it's slowly being eliminated by ... other things. ><
Anyway, the joy got so powerful at one point that I decided to change my profile pic. Like, spontaneously. Haha. Didn't know where that came from. Since I don't really fb much (though yes I stalk infrequenty... and yes I scroll through newsfeed sometimes...)
And used a pic from that happy day at Disney......... I mean, Inspiration Lake. Haha, just off Disneyland, but part of the Disney premises. Was a bit of a surprise, really. At first I was really reluctant to go, being a joint-floor activity and all. And on a Sunday. Pretty much consumed the whole day (cooking in the morning, picnic in the afternoon, then dinner at Hall tgt).
But it was also unimaginably fun. And when you truly have fun, whatever you do, it brings out the best in you. Perhaps I was very stressed out, and that little bit of fun cheered me up immensely. And it resulted in a very happy pic~ xD
And today ... I still feel remnants of this joy. This joy that somehow managed to get me to volunteer to play piano for 讓生命圓滿 last night at rehearsal. The heck did I do. I had no idea where that courage came from. Again, a spontaneous decision I somehow made on the spot. Grade 3 sight reading for the win :P
And today since I was still happy, I decided to bash on the piano for a while. And though my sight reading skills absolutely suck (don't ask me how I managed to get through to the end in ytd's rehearsal), I found that I had let my studies overwhelm me, and having music by my side really comforted and soothed my soul.
Which then made me wonder ... a while ago I had come to an agreement with my inner self (yes, I'm an introvert and I talk to my inner self ... o_o) that music and medicine pretty sum up my life and help me stick on my path of discovering the meaning and purpose out there in the dark dark world. But that I'm struggling to find the balance.
And now it feels like medicine, not that I have lost the passion for it, but it has become a bit of a burden. And as a result I have turned more and more towards music.
But it can't work that way, I know. Because being my field of study in uni, I have a duty to "pass" my exams. Or else I'd get kicked out. Conversely ... there is no "failing" in music.
Coach said. "Keep find(ing) it. You know it can be found eventually".
I know it's true. And I'm trying so hard to stick to this mindset. But it just kills me inside when there are no guidelines to follow, or when I let medicine burden me, or when I burden myself with my music in order to wipe out the gaping holes that medicine has left in me. Perhaps it's only because the preclinical years are rather cumbersome. And that next year, when I start going out to clinics and hospital wards and actually gaining a much wider exposure to actual "medicine", that fire will relight in my eyes, and that flame will burn strongly in my heart once again.
But in order to get there. Need to pass year 2 exams first. Argh.
Joy. think joy.
Give 200% in all you do, and have fun no matter what. My two rules in life.
Make meaning out of study and revision~ :)
the morning after the final regular RC Choir rehearsal of 2013-14.
eating lunch. (finally hungry???)
莫名其妙的快樂.
experiences shape who we are. every day, every minute, every second of our lives. It's unpredictable - you never know what might happen the next second. That's also what makes life fun - who wants to know everything that will happen in their lives anyway?
I love quotes. Ever since my first smartphone, on which one of the first apps I chanced upon was "50,000 inspirational quotes", I've spent far too much time browsing through them.
A selective few that's on my fb profile:
A selective few that's on my fb profile:
"We are each of us angels with only one wing, and we can only fly embracing each other" - Luciano De Crescenzo
"Many people will walk in and out of our life, but only true friends will leave footprints in your heart" - Eleanor Roosevelt
"Music speaks what cannot be expressed, soothes the mind and gives it rest, heals the heart and makes it whole, flows from heaven to the soul"
"When you are enjoying life time flies by, when you are not it stands still, though in reflection of this stillness, the observant may note how much of it has passed, and how much has been wasted"
"When people bother you in any way, it is because their souls are trying to get your divine attention and your blessing" - Catherine Ponder
"Do all the good you can, by all the means you can, in all the ways you can, in all the places you can, at all the times you can, to all the people you can, as long as ever you can" - John Wesley
"Participate joyfully in the sorrows of the world. We cannot cure the world of sorrows, but we can choose to live in joy" - Joseph Campbell
"The journey of life is like a man riding a bicycle. We know he got on the bicycle and started to move. We know that at some point he will stop and get off. We know that if he stops moving and does not get off he will fall off" - William Golding
"Life is intrinsically, well, boring and dangerous at the same time. At any given moment the floor may open up. Of course, it almost never does; that's what makes it so boring" - Edward Gorey
--
And somehow though yesterday was essentially, what may be said to be the "farewell" rehearsal of rehearsals (double pun haha get it?) ... and in my heart I was crying cos I really didn't want it to end right there, right then ... but somehow all I could feel externally, was an unexplained joy.
Perhaps I was disappointed by the turnout. 2 sopranos (only one of who can sing @ farewell), 3 altos (2 can sing @ farewell), 2 tenors, and 2 basses (1 in the beginning). Just admit it, I scared the others away. Hmm...
Anyway. This undescribable joy. Wasn't total "yay omg happiest day of my life" kind of joy. But a slight flutter, the kind that makes you just wanna keep smiling ... y'know?
And the joy extended, and stuck by my side throughout the whole night, and even this morning it still hasn't totally vanished yet. Though it's slowly being eliminated by ... other things. ><
Anyway, the joy got so powerful at one point that I decided to change my profile pic. Like, spontaneously. Haha. Didn't know where that came from. Since I don't really fb much (though yes I stalk infrequenty... and yes I scroll through newsfeed sometimes...)
And used a pic from that happy day at Disney......... I mean, Inspiration Lake. Haha, just off Disneyland, but part of the Disney premises. Was a bit of a surprise, really. At first I was really reluctant to go, being a joint-floor activity and all. And on a Sunday. Pretty much consumed the whole day (cooking in the morning, picnic in the afternoon, then dinner at Hall tgt).
But it was also unimaginably fun. And when you truly have fun, whatever you do, it brings out the best in you. Perhaps I was very stressed out, and that little bit of fun cheered me up immensely. And it resulted in a very happy pic~ xD
And today ... I still feel remnants of this joy. This joy that somehow managed to get me to volunteer to play piano for 讓生命圓滿 last night at rehearsal. The heck did I do. I had no idea where that courage came from. Again, a spontaneous decision I somehow made on the spot. Grade 3 sight reading for the win :P
And today since I was still happy, I decided to bash on the piano for a while. And though my sight reading skills absolutely suck (don't ask me how I managed to get through to the end in ytd's rehearsal), I found that I had let my studies overwhelm me, and having music by my side really comforted and soothed my soul.
Which then made me wonder ... a while ago I had come to an agreement with my inner self (yes, I'm an introvert and I talk to my inner self ... o_o) that music and medicine pretty sum up my life and help me stick on my path of discovering the meaning and purpose out there in the dark dark world. But that I'm struggling to find the balance.
And now it feels like medicine, not that I have lost the passion for it, but it has become a bit of a burden. And as a result I have turned more and more towards music.
But it can't work that way, I know. Because being my field of study in uni, I have a duty to "pass" my exams. Or else I'd get kicked out. Conversely ... there is no "failing" in music.
Coach said. "Keep find(ing) it. You know it can be found eventually".
I know it's true. And I'm trying so hard to stick to this mindset. But it just kills me inside when there are no guidelines to follow, or when I let medicine burden me, or when I burden myself with my music in order to wipe out the gaping holes that medicine has left in me. Perhaps it's only because the preclinical years are rather cumbersome. And that next year, when I start going out to clinics and hospital wards and actually gaining a much wider exposure to actual "medicine", that fire will relight in my eyes, and that flame will burn strongly in my heart once again.
But in order to get there. Need to pass year 2 exams first. Argh.
Joy. think joy.
Give 200% in all you do, and have fun no matter what. My two rules in life.
Make meaning out of study and revision~ :)
2CELLOS on 1 cello! Every Teardrop Is a Waterfall - Coldplay
so much joy watching 2CELLOS :') every. single. time.!!!
Monday, April 14, 2014
Study Pressure Post #1
I just wanna study. roar.
The problem with being too involved in hall ... taking up so many posts ... (though yes ultimately all of these are my own choices, is this the consequence I brought down on myself?!)
... the problem is that there are 99999999999999999999999 gazillion little tiny itty bitty bits of this and that that require constant bickering about, require constant monitoring, constant chasing him and her, constant "caring" about. just wanna fling it all off my plate. and study.
never have i wanted so desperately to focus on one thing: study.
well, never in uni, should i say.
just wanna go back to those days before my public exams - GCSE, IB.
just stuck in my Dad's office early each morning with only one mission to fulfill each day: study. Easy? Back then, relatively so.
and the fact that hall people just treat medics like BA students doesn't help at all. Now please don't get me wrong, I'm not looking down on Arts students, I love you guys, my best friend is an Arts student and I totally respect her. But it's just so different, our timetables, our academic schedules, our deadlines. My bff has three days off a week whilst I probably only have one "accidental" day off per semester. My "roommate" (if you know what i mean) has constant 1230 classes and waltzes back at mid-afternoon grabbing people to have afternoon tea with her. (no, please, don't have a bad impression on her based on this description. ofc i'm just exaggerating).
But you get my flow.
And now that medics have hit study-leave and exam season ...
Can i just leave everything else aside.
Probably even the smallest one is also the most annoying - Interfloor basketball competition. It was originally set in early April ... but due to IHP booking problems we ended up settling for 26th April. And now IHP says the hoop or net is broken and they gotta fix it so they cant offer us our original timeslot.
And even though the captains of the boys team have kindly offered to take up most of the admin and communicating work. I still gotta know about these things as one of the (smaller, small potato) organisers of this event. And I'm in charge of the posters. Damn. Thank goodness we haven't printed millions of copies yet.
And I was thinking of going late or leaving early for it, cos the whole thing lasts for 6 hours T_T. But as a captain and an organiser ... no chance. I hate being irresponsible. Hate escaping my duties. If I agree to do something, I must see that it is 200% completed before I push it aside. Bad habit. Sometimes.
As I said to my groupmates in Ocamp last year ... during some deep talk session which was surprisingly fun considering I hate talking and being socially awkward and all ... (again pls don't take me as a mad psychopath, I promise you I'm fully sane and fully human ...), before in high school whenever I partnered up for any type of work ... I'd work my ass off to get my part done early, and if my partner didn't, I made sure his/her part was also up to scratch. And I never went to bed without completing my work first. You know how some people wake up early to work. I could never do that. So instead, I stay up late.
"No rest is worth anything except the rest that is earned".
The first time I saw this quote, was on my brother's laptop a few years back. I didn't know what it meant back then, but I didn't dare ask my brother. In case he laughed at me for being too dumb to understand. (shh).
Now I do. And I totally believe in it. Even though sometimes I do get too tired and fall asleep without putting in that 10% more. Don't take me as a perfectionist, by no means am I one.
I just wanna study.
The problem with being too involved in hall ... taking up so many posts ... (though yes ultimately all of these are my own choices, is this the consequence I brought down on myself?!)
... the problem is that there are 99999999999999999999999 gazillion little tiny itty bitty bits of this and that that require constant bickering about, require constant monitoring, constant chasing him and her, constant "caring" about. just wanna fling it all off my plate. and study.
never have i wanted so desperately to focus on one thing: study.
well, never in uni, should i say.
just wanna go back to those days before my public exams - GCSE, IB.
just stuck in my Dad's office early each morning with only one mission to fulfill each day: study. Easy? Back then, relatively so.
and the fact that hall people just treat medics like BA students doesn't help at all. Now please don't get me wrong, I'm not looking down on Arts students, I love you guys, my best friend is an Arts student and I totally respect her. But it's just so different, our timetables, our academic schedules, our deadlines. My bff has three days off a week whilst I probably only have one "accidental" day off per semester. My "roommate" (if you know what i mean) has constant 1230 classes and waltzes back at mid-afternoon grabbing people to have afternoon tea with her. (no, please, don't have a bad impression on her based on this description. ofc i'm just exaggerating).
But you get my flow.
And now that medics have hit study-leave and exam season ...
Can i just leave everything else aside.
Probably even the smallest one is also the most annoying - Interfloor basketball competition. It was originally set in early April ... but due to IHP booking problems we ended up settling for 26th April. And now IHP says the hoop or net is broken and they gotta fix it so they cant offer us our original timeslot.
And even though the captains of the boys team have kindly offered to take up most of the admin and communicating work. I still gotta know about these things as one of the (smaller, small potato) organisers of this event. And I'm in charge of the posters. Damn. Thank goodness we haven't printed millions of copies yet.
And I was thinking of going late or leaving early for it, cos the whole thing lasts for 6 hours T_T. But as a captain and an organiser ... no chance. I hate being irresponsible. Hate escaping my duties. If I agree to do something, I must see that it is 200% completed before I push it aside. Bad habit. Sometimes.
As I said to my groupmates in Ocamp last year ... during some deep talk session which was surprisingly fun considering I hate talking and being socially awkward and all ... (again pls don't take me as a mad psychopath, I promise you I'm fully sane and fully human ...), before in high school whenever I partnered up for any type of work ... I'd work my ass off to get my part done early, and if my partner didn't, I made sure his/her part was also up to scratch. And I never went to bed without completing my work first. You know how some people wake up early to work. I could never do that. So instead, I stay up late.
"No rest is worth anything except the rest that is earned".
The first time I saw this quote, was on my brother's laptop a few years back. I didn't know what it meant back then, but I didn't dare ask my brother. In case he laughed at me for being too dumb to understand. (shh).
Now I do. And I totally believe in it. Even though sometimes I do get too tired and fall asleep without putting in that 10% more. Don't take me as a perfectionist, by no means am I one.
I just wanna study.
Sunday, April 13, 2014
Spectacular Salsa - Paddy & Nico - Electric Ballroom | Britain's Got Tal...
Nico: "She (Paddy) can. Old people can. If you want, you can."
Brings me back to what Coach said. "Don't look down (on) yourself. You will be what you wanna be".
Truer words hath nought been spoken before.
Yet ... I don't have the courage to do it. U of Sydney BMus+MD programme ... me? I can't even take myself seriously, I'd be the laughing stock of everyone. Especially now that I've (almost) finished year 2 MBBS here in hk. And my grades aren't exactly respectable. To be dead honest ... I'm below average. Near the bottom of my class. Though I've never cared much about it since we don't have GPA anyway. And as my dad has always said, "a pass is a pass". Just like in high school. "An A* is an A*. A bad A* is still an A*. Who cares if you scored 90% or 100%. On that single piece of paper ... to ignorant people giving you the offer ... A* is what they will see".
I know I should just 知足常樂 ... I have had some of the greatest opportunities in life. Really blessed. Some days I just feel like saying "I've had my time. Perhaps it's time to move on". But to be dead honest ... how can I just leave something that I've thrown myself into, poured my heart into ... for my whole life?
From starting baby piano lessons at Tom Lee - those Yamaha courses that you take with your mom ... haha, except that my parents were always busy and so my Grandma always accompanied me :')
- my first exposure to music when i was 4-5
- then my first encounter at those Music Office outreach days and trying the string instruments (at that time my brother had already chosen saxophone, and so my mom brought me to a string session) when i was 7
- to my first failure to enroll in Music Office
- to my second (successful) attempt to pass the "audition" and earn myself a place in the elementary cello course at Music Office when i was 8.
- to my first taste of orchestral training when i was 9. (just the junior school orchestra, but at that time it was a big deal!!!)
- to my first tour with YSO to Shanghai for the 2010 Expo.
- to jamming and ensemble playing with my closest buddies and eventually showcasing our wonderful Brahms Piano Trio no.1 and "earning" the Best Senior Ensemble and Ensemble of the Year "awards" in my final year.
- to RC Choir ... my first "real" taste of choral music and the impact and influence of a brilliant Coach.
- to actual conducting ...
unlike some people :( i feel that my musical journey has been rather smooth, though I have thought of stepping away and moving on to try newer things at times. But every time I try to do so ... it pulls me back. If I had really wanted to leave, I wouldn't have stayed in YSO for so long. I first joined in 2007 and since then it has never crossed my mind NOT to reapply each year. Even though I am getting quite old compared to my other cello-mates, who are mostly still high school kids. Though sometimes I am thankful I don't look (that) old. :P as I have mentioned somewhere before ... I was always happy. Though lacking in confidence ... never once has music made me depressed.
That's the power of music. Always uplifting, always encouraging, always pushing you to your limits. Just depends on how much oomph you wanna give back in.
Or the pressures of peers, media, society.
Or back to the fundamental question. What is "good" music. What makes ppl wanna come tgt and appreciate music with similar values. Why is some music more "appealing" than others. Why is there such a criteria. When indeed there should be none (or at least, no strict ones...) ... why can music be so competitive.
And back to my question. What will happen in a few years (actually dangerously closer than i think ...) when I leave my comfortable musical surroundings and environment, venture out to the big cruel world ... where can I continue my music. It will never be the same as before, obviously I have realised that long ago. And ofc I will have to step out of my comfort zone - no more YSO, probably can't be so involved in RC Choir ...
to be dead honest. i hate trying new things. hate breaking out of my comfort zone. though sometimes it is not necessarily such a bad thing ... i feel like in order to try new things i have to sacrifice old things. and i dont wanna leave the past behind. as depressing as some of the past is ... it has also given me so much to reminisce on. and using that powers me, keeps driving me forward.
they say, when you wanna give up ... think of where you started. just see how far you've come. then you'll know your journey must certainly not end here.
that's why i'm still here. that's why the flame in my heart is still burning. that's how i keep the fire lit in my eyes. as small as an impact as i'm making ... as few people as i am reaching out to ...
it keeps me human. i am who i am.
there is no old me, new me, real me. i am me. and i will never be anyone else but me.
resilience.
Saturday, April 12, 2014
Salut Salon Competitive Foursome
https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?v=268457760002594&set=vb.182521798596191&type=2
Salut Salon "Competitive Foursome"
what did i just watch !!!
incredulous. cant believe my eyes, so much fun watching these insane ladies play!
brings me back to the days of messing around in rehearsal haha. my earliest memories are probably in Sha Tin Junior School Orchestra ... this boy Mike (who's now a final year Geography undergrad at U of Southampton in the UK) used to sit just a bit in front of me as a Violin 3 (lol yeah the best u can do without any violists ... remember this is just primary school and international schools aren't competitive, we never went to MusFest or other competition crap. basically if u knew how to play an instrument and you could do the most basic score reading (not even sight-reading, mind you...), then basically you'd get invited into Orchestra. Still rmb I spent the first three years of junior school sulking and becoming progressively more and more jealous of all the kids who got "invited" into the Orchestra hahahhaha. Since you couldn't just "join" it as an extra-curricular activity, you had to be "invited". ew.
Anyways, in P4 ... i'd just learnt cello for a year in Music Office, i think. And somehow or the other my music teacher (the dear old lovely Ms Chiam ... one of the kindest and nicest and biggest hearted teachers I ever had the pleasure of knowing!!) found out that I played cello, and invited me to Orchestra. (YES!!!)
Ofc at first I didn't know what to expect. And having always been an introvert, and shy, and nervous, and socially awkward ... I was so lonely that first day at rehearsal. Scared out of my wits. And I think there were only 1-2 other cellists only. Can't rmb who the second one was. But the first was my senior by 2 years, a lovely lady, Audrey, who eventually also played with me in YSO for 2-3 years. (lol somehow she was also a student of Ngai sir ... somehow over half the cellists I met in junior school, high school, JCE, and YSO were at some point or other his students ... coincidence?! Though not really ge ... as he did teach a lot of cello in Music Office before he left to go freelance and eventually open his own 琴室 Cellistizzimo~ and as an alumni of YSO ofc he'd recommend his students to go for orchestral training there~).
ah. watching music clips on FB and YT always trigger good memories and I just go ranting on and on about how great my musical experiences were growing up. Though it was not always smooth and successful ... it was most definitely always happy. :') and even if others weren't happy, I learnt to be happy through my own playing. :) though it wasn't always "good". or up to "standard". LOL. yeah i was a happy kid as long as i got to play.
oh anyway. back to that kid Mike. anyway he was quite naughty and used to play bow fights with all the other kids who would oblige to play with him. and somehow one day he started a bow fight with me and somehow I was feeling a bit mischievous too and so we started a massive bow fight. Thank goodness in those days I still used a cello rented from MO and so it didn't really matter that much if I caused a lot of damage. (sorry ... i know it's wrong, but as a kid you dont really think much about these things xD). And we'd switch bows. And at one point instruments.
And after that my first few years in YSO with my other high school friends. (3 violinists and another cellist).
We even switched mutes one time HAHAHAH. and we'd play high up on the fingerboard and get the rosin dust smeared all over the neck 五把位 area and had a hard time clearing up the mess. Got our fingers all sticky but it was fun haha~
and we'd hold our bows the way bassists do. or erhus.
and afterwards, in high school, there was a period i think in Year 10 (Form 4), for GCSE music coursework we had to create our own composition. The topic was "experimental music". We could choose between minimalism and this, I think. And i rmb i didnt like minimalism. Even though the music as a product could be pretty cool (ref Jade Kim's "Raindrops" wow at that time I didn't appreciate it that much but after a while, and listening to it a few weeks ago really made me smile again!)
Anyways, experimental music. If you've ever watched Ethan Winer "A Cello Rondo" ... you'll get what i mean. This was the demonstration video shown in class. And I decided that I'd give it a go. I even performed it in the "Composition" category of the annual Young Musician's Festival. Even though it turned out terrible. HAHA. Cos I believe I mixed in too much, trying to fuse in everything, from baroque to classical to 20th century to Ethan Winer to chopstick slapping to glissandos to harmonics. to. everything and anything you'd ever imagined possible on a cello. haha, though the techniques were fascinating and i had the time of my life creating that composition!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ve4cBOnSU9Q Ethan Winer "A Cello Rondo"
And after that. just jamming during rehearsal. or one of our own ensemble rehearsals. can't rmb. either way, we started messing around as we always do ... multiple bows on a single string.
guitar strumming.
playing my cello like it was a violin, and never fearing that it would be too damn heavy and drop LOL.
screeching the notes out beyond the bridge and trying to figure out what note it was.
bowing ON the actual bridge.
at one point i was also obsessed with col legno.
and for a while i never got around to figuring out what senza sordino meant. HAHAHHAHA. even though i knew what con sordino was. eek. stupidity and ignorance at its finest.
yeah. basically this vid just suddenly activated a whole FLOOD of memories. and reminded me that you can legit mess around with your instruments. not just as kids. :') thanks girls for reminding me~!
Salut Salon "Competitive Foursome"
what did i just watch !!!
incredulous. cant believe my eyes, so much fun watching these insane ladies play!
brings me back to the days of messing around in rehearsal haha. my earliest memories are probably in Sha Tin Junior School Orchestra ... this boy Mike (who's now a final year Geography undergrad at U of Southampton in the UK) used to sit just a bit in front of me as a Violin 3 (lol yeah the best u can do without any violists ... remember this is just primary school and international schools aren't competitive, we never went to MusFest or other competition crap. basically if u knew how to play an instrument and you could do the most basic score reading (not even sight-reading, mind you...), then basically you'd get invited into Orchestra. Still rmb I spent the first three years of junior school sulking and becoming progressively more and more jealous of all the kids who got "invited" into the Orchestra hahahhaha. Since you couldn't just "join" it as an extra-curricular activity, you had to be "invited". ew.
Anyways, in P4 ... i'd just learnt cello for a year in Music Office, i think. And somehow or the other my music teacher (the dear old lovely Ms Chiam ... one of the kindest and nicest and biggest hearted teachers I ever had the pleasure of knowing!!) found out that I played cello, and invited me to Orchestra. (YES!!!)
Ofc at first I didn't know what to expect. And having always been an introvert, and shy, and nervous, and socially awkward ... I was so lonely that first day at rehearsal. Scared out of my wits. And I think there were only 1-2 other cellists only. Can't rmb who the second one was. But the first was my senior by 2 years, a lovely lady, Audrey, who eventually also played with me in YSO for 2-3 years. (lol somehow she was also a student of Ngai sir ... somehow over half the cellists I met in junior school, high school, JCE, and YSO were at some point or other his students ... coincidence?! Though not really ge ... as he did teach a lot of cello in Music Office before he left to go freelance and eventually open his own 琴室 Cellistizzimo~ and as an alumni of YSO ofc he'd recommend his students to go for orchestral training there~).
ah. watching music clips on FB and YT always trigger good memories and I just go ranting on and on about how great my musical experiences were growing up. Though it was not always smooth and successful ... it was most definitely always happy. :') and even if others weren't happy, I learnt to be happy through my own playing. :) though it wasn't always "good". or up to "standard". LOL. yeah i was a happy kid as long as i got to play.
oh anyway. back to that kid Mike. anyway he was quite naughty and used to play bow fights with all the other kids who would oblige to play with him. and somehow one day he started a bow fight with me and somehow I was feeling a bit mischievous too and so we started a massive bow fight. Thank goodness in those days I still used a cello rented from MO and so it didn't really matter that much if I caused a lot of damage. (sorry ... i know it's wrong, but as a kid you dont really think much about these things xD). And we'd switch bows. And at one point instruments.
And after that my first few years in YSO with my other high school friends. (3 violinists and another cellist).
We even switched mutes one time HAHAHAH. and we'd play high up on the fingerboard and get the rosin dust smeared all over the neck 五把位 area and had a hard time clearing up the mess. Got our fingers all sticky but it was fun haha~
and we'd hold our bows the way bassists do. or erhus.
and afterwards, in high school, there was a period i think in Year 10 (Form 4), for GCSE music coursework we had to create our own composition. The topic was "experimental music". We could choose between minimalism and this, I think. And i rmb i didnt like minimalism. Even though the music as a product could be pretty cool (ref Jade Kim's "Raindrops" wow at that time I didn't appreciate it that much but after a while, and listening to it a few weeks ago really made me smile again!)
Anyways, experimental music. If you've ever watched Ethan Winer "A Cello Rondo" ... you'll get what i mean. This was the demonstration video shown in class. And I decided that I'd give it a go. I even performed it in the "Composition" category of the annual Young Musician's Festival. Even though it turned out terrible. HAHA. Cos I believe I mixed in too much, trying to fuse in everything, from baroque to classical to 20th century to Ethan Winer to chopstick slapping to glissandos to harmonics. to. everything and anything you'd ever imagined possible on a cello. haha, though the techniques were fascinating and i had the time of my life creating that composition!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ve4cBOnSU9Q Ethan Winer "A Cello Rondo"
And after that. just jamming during rehearsal. or one of our own ensemble rehearsals. can't rmb. either way, we started messing around as we always do ... multiple bows on a single string.
guitar strumming.
playing my cello like it was a violin, and never fearing that it would be too damn heavy and drop LOL.
screeching the notes out beyond the bridge and trying to figure out what note it was.
bowing ON the actual bridge.
at one point i was also obsessed with col legno.
and for a while i never got around to figuring out what senza sordino meant. HAHAHHAHA. even though i knew what con sordino was. eek. stupidity and ignorance at its finest.
yeah. basically this vid just suddenly activated a whole FLOOD of memories. and reminded me that you can legit mess around with your instruments. not just as kids. :') thanks girls for reminding me~!
Friday, April 11, 2014
Michael Spencer, young cellist with a twist
https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?v=745857952123878&set=vb.100000990414527&type=2
WOW. so much inspiration. this kid is a blessing. :')
First Nick Vujicic. and now this guy Michael Spencer. My heart is soaring. Invaluable life lessons that keep the flame burning alive in me.
First Nick Vujicic. and now this guy Michael Spencer. My heart is soaring. Invaluable life lessons that keep the flame burning alive in me.
Wednesday, April 9, 2014
RC Choir 2013-14 #3
10.04.2014 0220
After choir rehearsal.
Currently listening to: Pictures at an Exhibition (Stokowski orch.)
Already in my youtube searchbar: Abbado with Lucerne Festival Orchestra
(writing this down so i dont forget and so i have a reference for future encounters...)
Wow. the Stokowski orchestration ... I can't say I dislike it, but ofc I still much prefer Ravel's orchestration. It is strange in some senses, but wow in some places it really strikes my heart right "there".
... okay wow I just had a few mins taste of Abbado with the Lucerne Festival Orchestra. Mahler 1. Just the beginning, not so much action yet. But dude I have goosebumps already, came out from nowhere, and an instant connection of this ethereal entity. I can see everything through Maestro Abbado's hands. Such magic. Such a flow. And his smile :) "a smile that could melt glaciers" ... haha what a fitting metaphor!
--
So late night free blogging again. A lot on my mind, don't really wanna go there. Better to neglect the thoughts that are tied up. Crush it. Suppress it. Negativity. Get out, you don't belong there. lol trust me I'm not a mad psychopath. Just hate it when it creeps in and silently attacks you. I feel that everyone must have felt this way at some point or another. More than once definitely. But this is happening to me on such a regular pressure especially when I let the stress get to me. Stress is not necessarily a bad thing, I watched a TEDTalk last night on how stress actually helps you find meaning in your life. And that's a good thing. But it does get crazy frustrating when it all accumulates and punches you in the face in one go. Multiple goes, in fact. Tis not a boxing fight.
Again thought of another Bible verse I stumbled upon during the previous Joint Class Medic Fellowship with CUHK medic guys too.
There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens. - Ecclesiastes 3:1
so is it exam season right now?
can they overlap?
can music season span the whole year and never end?
back in high school. i always treated music as a hobby. my top passion, outside of academics. Along with basketball.
My basketball coach said, if you're gonna get your head in the game, and gonna stick with it, then be sure to make basketball your top priority. after academics, of course.
So what now? Music has become my top priority. On top of academics, in fact. But it is no longer a hobby or a passion. But my life. In essence, life would be nothing without music, ofc. Music has so many diverse forms. Not just notes and scores. Not just melodies and harmonies. Rhythms and beats of everyday life. Pitched and non-pitched alike. How many times have you tried to mimic a funny doorbell jig? Don't lie. There used be one at Honeymoon Dessert (dunno if they still have it anymore, was a few years ago, the one in Shatin on the second top floor opposite the Starlight Garden, next to the CD Records store).
My memory is so bad I can't even recollect what the actual tune was, but I remember it only because I was with a few YSO friends (the same ones from high school), another cellist and three violinists, and we were arguing about a Eb being slightly out of tune hahahah! The violinists couldn't hear a difference, but my fellow cellist and I were insistent about it being flat. It was very very very uncomfortable to our ears (not to the extent of making us leave the place, but cos it kept repeating ... it did kind of kick us in the stomach every time it played lol).
Anyway ... the point being. Music is everywhere. Silence is music too. Silence is my greatest comfort.
Again welcome to the world of an introvert.
Want to write so much more but study beckons.
Laterz~
After choir rehearsal.
Currently listening to: Pictures at an Exhibition (Stokowski orch.)
Already in my youtube searchbar: Abbado with Lucerne Festival Orchestra
(writing this down so i dont forget and so i have a reference for future encounters...)
Wow. the Stokowski orchestration ... I can't say I dislike it, but ofc I still much prefer Ravel's orchestration. It is strange in some senses, but wow in some places it really strikes my heart right "there".
... okay wow I just had a few mins taste of Abbado with the Lucerne Festival Orchestra. Mahler 1. Just the beginning, not so much action yet. But dude I have goosebumps already, came out from nowhere, and an instant connection of this ethereal entity. I can see everything through Maestro Abbado's hands. Such magic. Such a flow. And his smile :) "a smile that could melt glaciers" ... haha what a fitting metaphor!
--
So late night free blogging again. A lot on my mind, don't really wanna go there. Better to neglect the thoughts that are tied up. Crush it. Suppress it. Negativity. Get out, you don't belong there. lol trust me I'm not a mad psychopath. Just hate it when it creeps in and silently attacks you. I feel that everyone must have felt this way at some point or another. More than once definitely. But this is happening to me on such a regular pressure especially when I let the stress get to me. Stress is not necessarily a bad thing, I watched a TEDTalk last night on how stress actually helps you find meaning in your life. And that's a good thing. But it does get crazy frustrating when it all accumulates and punches you in the face in one go. Multiple goes, in fact. Tis not a boxing fight.
Again thought of another Bible verse I stumbled upon during the previous Joint Class Medic Fellowship with CUHK medic guys too.
There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens. - Ecclesiastes 3:1
so is it exam season right now?
can they overlap?
can music season span the whole year and never end?
back in high school. i always treated music as a hobby. my top passion, outside of academics. Along with basketball.
My basketball coach said, if you're gonna get your head in the game, and gonna stick with it, then be sure to make basketball your top priority. after academics, of course.
So what now? Music has become my top priority. On top of academics, in fact. But it is no longer a hobby or a passion. But my life. In essence, life would be nothing without music, ofc. Music has so many diverse forms. Not just notes and scores. Not just melodies and harmonies. Rhythms and beats of everyday life. Pitched and non-pitched alike. How many times have you tried to mimic a funny doorbell jig? Don't lie. There used be one at Honeymoon Dessert (dunno if they still have it anymore, was a few years ago, the one in Shatin on the second top floor opposite the Starlight Garden, next to the CD Records store).
My memory is so bad I can't even recollect what the actual tune was, but I remember it only because I was with a few YSO friends (the same ones from high school), another cellist and three violinists, and we were arguing about a Eb being slightly out of tune hahahah! The violinists couldn't hear a difference, but my fellow cellist and I were insistent about it being flat. It was very very very uncomfortable to our ears (not to the extent of making us leave the place, but cos it kept repeating ... it did kind of kick us in the stomach every time it played lol).
Anyway ... the point being. Music is everywhere. Silence is music too. Silence is my greatest comfort.
Again welcome to the world of an introvert.
Want to write so much more but study beckons.
Laterz~
Friday, April 4, 2014
Fragments of memories of music @ high school.
原本想短短地post @ Twitter 不過驚覺有中同follow我account, 而我又唔係特別想俾還在那裏讀書的師弟妹看到此post lol ...
anyway... (btw 一直以來都是用英文寫blog post, 今晚突然想寫中文, 原諒我中文差~)
http://www.shatincollege.edu.hk/sites/shatincollege/files/SpringConcert2014Poster.png
我間中學今年 Spring Concert 居然邀請到一隊 HK Welsh Male Voice Choir! 仲有上年新成立 ge Sha Tin College Chinese Orchestra lol... 一定係今年新上任, 從 KGV 跳過黎 ge 音樂系主任做的好事. 當然還不少得不死的 Choir, Orchestra, and Dance.
突然間好掛住由中一一直到會考教我的那位音樂主任 ... 我中七那年他跳左過去 Kellett School (Pokfulam/香港仔附近好似有一間, 不過那學校近幾年才建立, 亦有好多個細 campus 分佈港九新界, 已經忘記了他在那個 campus 任教~). 此後, (在 KGV 轉過黎的音樂主任上任之前) 中學的音樂系差不多倒塌了. (苦笑). (dead serious).
不是說還在堅持搞好音樂的那兩位老師沒有心, 只不過他們能力有限, 又沒有太大的説服力, 學生們也開始漸漸失去對校内音樂活動的那份支持、熱情、信心、堅持.
那年, 我經歷了最差的一個 STC in Concert (Annual Concert involving Drama, Choir and Orchestra, with a few solo/ensemble performances splattered on top just cos Choir and Orchestra were too mundane) 還有 Spring Concert. 排練居然可以有半數缺席. 而每當籃球跟排練相撞的時候, 只要我跟老師說半句道歉她便非常輕易地放我走... (對不起, 在年頭大多時候我都選擇了籃球因爲那段時間正正是學界加英基學校聯賽再加上全港國際學校聯賽, 而我是隊長, 爲了留在學界甲組以及衛冕英基+國際學校聯賽冠軍 (去年的師姐們太強勁了, 三個聯賽不是排第一就是第二, 讓我壓力超標~)
Anyway, off topic~
總之, 我中七那年校内音樂活動非常黑暗, 很遺憾不能夠為我們心醉于音樂的一群畢業生留下最美好的回憶. btw 我中學一向都比較少 student-run activities, 音樂呢家野更加只是兩位音樂老師負責, 想幫都不知道怎樣幫 :'(
啊, 除了一年一度的 “青年音樂節" (haha, Young Musician's Festival直譯). 那年我跟兩位好朋友想演奏一彈勁野 show hand (話曬都係final year), 一個小提琴兩個大提琴可以怎樣呢. lol. 有想過String Trio, 但係咪玩 ofc 唔work, 結果我提出 Piano Trio (另外一個大提琴手也是鋼琴好手). 我們始終對於非string quartet ge ensemble music 很陌生, dum了很久我才找到玩得過而風險不會過火的 Brahms Trio No.1. 第一次上 YouTube 聼好震撼, 因爲那時我們還是比較無甘成熟的樂手.
雖然話曬我們三個都 (叫做) 考了演奏級, 亦在 YSO 拉了一段時間（我2007年開始）, 無懼睇譜視奏, 甚至ensembleship, musicianship 都有某程度上的認識 ... 但是始終也是第一次以Piano Trio這個組合表演, 好像有點保留、不太自在的感覺.
回溯, 這些想法實在太好笑. 那時爲了練習, 給師生和觀衆送上一首美麗樂曲, 為我們的最後一年畫上完美的句號 ... 我們瘋狂到隔日早上上課前半小時練習（還試過得到老師批准后走堂練習 -- NB we only skipped registration and tutor period - 就是早上集會聼老師講bulletin, 派通告那些零碎野才會走 xD）... lunch break 不吃飯練習, 學校樂團和YSO排練一放break也練習, 周末去他們家里練習 ... 果然, 爲了趕在比賽 表演前連成這首很棒的樂曲, 真係好顛, 去到好盡.
那些日子也許是我中學生涯裏最懷念, 最愉快, 最美好的一段日子.
結果我們真的獻給所有人很動聽的表演. 雖然比賽規則只能夠讓我們表演短短的四分鐘（那樂章應該是七/八分鐘左右吧！）, 但是. 在我們三個人的心目中, 我們成功了. :D
比賽還是比賽, 最後拿了 "Best Senior Ensemble" 同埋 "Ensemble of the Year", 錦上添花.
其實呢個 blog post 原本是講我中學下周舉行的 Spring Concert, 但是突然又引起中學音樂的回憶, and then really got carried away. far, far away.
然後驚覺原來已經淩晨三點, 這三小時在發白日夢跟寫此post, 又無溫書, gg.
點都好, 又再次證明 music is my life, it will be my first love, and it will be my last.
沒有音樂我想我真的不能真真正正地活著. 要繼續為音樂堅持、奮鬥. 一定要.
想起高中讀 IB philosophy時, 的名句 "the unexamined life is not worth living" (Socrates)
雖然現在的balance非常差, 基本上是 predominantly music --> then sports --> then medicine --> then friends --> then family ............................................................. --> then sleep.
不過 ... 我真係全部都放唔低. 點算.
--
所以便讓音樂繼續帶領我人生吧。
Let the music of my life lead me to newer paths, greater heights, and seemingly impossible dreams.
Let's go~
anyway... (btw 一直以來都是用英文寫blog post, 今晚突然想寫中文, 原諒我中文差~)
http://www.shatincollege.edu.hk/sites/shatincollege/files/SpringConcert2014Poster.png
我間中學今年 Spring Concert 居然邀請到一隊 HK Welsh Male Voice Choir! 仲有上年新成立 ge Sha Tin College Chinese Orchestra lol... 一定係今年新上任, 從 KGV 跳過黎 ge 音樂系主任做的好事. 當然還不少得不死的 Choir, Orchestra, and Dance.
突然間好掛住由中一一直到會考教我的那位音樂主任 ... 我中七那年他跳左過去 Kellett School (Pokfulam/香港仔附近好似有一間, 不過那學校近幾年才建立, 亦有好多個細 campus 分佈港九新界, 已經忘記了他在那個 campus 任教~). 此後, (在 KGV 轉過黎的音樂主任上任之前) 中學的音樂系差不多倒塌了. (苦笑). (dead serious).
不是說還在堅持搞好音樂的那兩位老師沒有心, 只不過他們能力有限, 又沒有太大的説服力, 學生們也開始漸漸失去對校内音樂活動的那份支持、熱情、信心、堅持.
那年, 我經歷了最差的一個 STC in Concert (Annual Concert involving Drama, Choir and Orchestra, with a few solo/ensemble performances splattered on top just cos Choir and Orchestra were too mundane) 還有 Spring Concert. 排練居然可以有半數缺席. 而每當籃球跟排練相撞的時候, 只要我跟老師說半句道歉她便非常輕易地放我走... (對不起, 在年頭大多時候我都選擇了籃球因爲那段時間正正是學界加英基學校聯賽再加上全港國際學校聯賽, 而我是隊長, 爲了留在學界甲組以及衛冕英基+國際學校聯賽冠軍 (去年的師姐們太強勁了, 三個聯賽不是排第一就是第二, 讓我壓力超標~)
Anyway, off topic~
總之, 我中七那年校内音樂活動非常黑暗, 很遺憾不能夠為我們心醉于音樂的一群畢業生留下最美好的回憶. btw 我中學一向都比較少 student-run activities, 音樂呢家野更加只是兩位音樂老師負責, 想幫都不知道怎樣幫 :'(
啊, 除了一年一度的 “青年音樂節" (haha, Young Musician's Festival直譯). 那年我跟兩位好朋友想演奏一彈勁野 show hand (話曬都係final year), 一個小提琴兩個大提琴可以怎樣呢. lol. 有想過String Trio, 但係咪玩 ofc 唔work, 結果我提出 Piano Trio (另外一個大提琴手也是鋼琴好手). 我們始終對於非string quartet ge ensemble music 很陌生, dum了很久我才找到玩得過而風險不會過火的 Brahms Trio No.1. 第一次上 YouTube 聼好震撼, 因爲那時我們還是比較無甘成熟的樂手.
雖然話曬我們三個都 (叫做) 考了演奏級, 亦在 YSO 拉了一段時間（我2007年開始）, 無懼睇譜視奏, 甚至ensembleship, musicianship 都有某程度上的認識 ... 但是始終也是第一次以Piano Trio這個組合表演, 好像有點保留、不太自在的感覺.
回溯, 這些想法實在太好笑. 那時爲了練習, 給師生和觀衆送上一首美麗樂曲, 為我們的最後一年畫上完美的句號 ... 我們瘋狂到隔日早上上課前半小時練習（還試過得到老師批准后走堂練習 -- NB we only skipped registration and tutor period - 就是早上集會聼老師講bulletin, 派通告那些零碎野才會走 xD）... lunch break 不吃飯練習, 學校樂團和YSO排練一放break也練習, 周末去他們家里練習 ... 果然, 爲了趕在
那些日子也許是我中學生涯裏最懷念, 最愉快, 最美好的一段日子.
結果我們真的獻給所有人很動聽的表演. 雖然比賽規則只能夠讓我們表演短短的四分鐘（那樂章應該是七/八分鐘左右吧！）, 但是. 在我們三個人的心目中, 我們成功了. :D
比賽還是比賽, 最後拿了 "Best Senior Ensemble" 同埋 "Ensemble of the Year", 錦上添花.
其實呢個 blog post 原本是講我中學下周舉行的 Spring Concert, 但是突然又引起中學音樂的回憶, and then really got carried away. far, far away.
然後驚覺原來已經淩晨三點, 這三小時在發白日夢跟寫此post, 又無溫書, gg.
點都好, 又再次證明 music is my life, it will be my first love, and it will be my last.
沒有音樂我想我真的不能真真正正地活著. 要繼續為音樂堅持、奮鬥. 一定要.
想起高中讀 IB philosophy時, 的名句 "the unexamined life is not worth living" (Socrates)
雖然現在的balance非常差, 基本上是 predominantly music --> then sports --> then medicine --> then friends --> then family ............................................................. --> then sleep.
不過 ... 我真係全部都放唔低. 點算.
--
所以便讓音樂繼續帶領我人生吧。
Let the music of my life lead me to newer paths, greater heights, and seemingly impossible dreams.
Let's go~
Wednesday, April 2, 2014
Hillsong United - Aftermath (+playlist)
My current study buddy. Even though it has lyrics ... and I do get high on it ... but it helps a lot with concentrating.
Though aftermath is not my favourite track out of the album, it is probably the one with the most impact and one to leave the biggest mark.
My favourite tracks in this album - Like an Avalanche, Awakening
Hillsong United ... probably one of the few bands I actually went to see live when they toured HK. As a Christian Worship Band it is even less likely that I'd pay so much money to go see them. But damn it wasn't just a show. It shattered my previous experience of listening to them. Crap.
Wednesday, March 26, 2014
Carly's Café - Experience Autism Through Carly's Eyes
Since when did I have an obsession over autism. The correct term, "ASD" (Autism Spectrum Disorder) should be used, but for the sake of writing and time, and as everyone refers to it, it's just autism for me.
I don't remember my first encounter with the term. Probably something on TV.
Ah. I remember. A movie. With my dad. Or rather, one of my dad's weekend movies which I happened to catch. Something about mercury. Mercury Rising. With Bruce Willis. And an autistic kid whose name I'm sorry I will never be able to remember. Really fascinating plot. Top secret NSA stuff. And somehow the kid solves it. Or knows about it. One way or the other, I remember clearly for aaaages after watching the movie I was engrossed with the minute details of his speech and actions. Everything he did in the movie. Though of course this must have been at least a good 5 years ago so no more recollection, apart from Autism.
It still remains as much a mystery to me as it is to the world. Especially the world of science and medicine. If possible I wish to make it one of my life goals to study it, understand it, reach out to autistic kids. Just what is happening. Why are they trapped. How we can burst the bubble and break through to their intelligence. Because as you may have heard, autistic kids are often the brightest, just that they have problems expressing themselves.
By no means am I comparing autistic kids with myself LOL. Though I have trouble expressing myself at times ...
Anyway. Loved this short clip. Really says a lot. Don't judge a book by its cover. And every story has 2 sides.
Much respect. My heart goes out to all autistic peeps.
Oh and did you know, they recently found that not only kids can have autism, but adults too. Scary, huh?
It's kinda like. Late onset. Like MODY (mature onset of diabetes in the young) or type 1.5 diabetes aka. LADA (latent autoimmune diabetes in adults).
Ah. sorry for bombarding you with details of my study. Exams just around the corner and it's being a pain in the ass. Either I can't remember it. Or I only remember a few things and it nags at me begging for attention so I can't digest other information.
Anyway, autism. You guys really got a lot of guts to be able to bear with ignorant people who don't understand you! I don't mean to say I understand you guys a lot either ... but I really feel for you peeps. Just be yourself. Hold your head high cos you guys are amazing. Just wanna let u know! If any of you guys ever read this haha. :')
-peace out-
Tuesday, March 25, 2014
RC Choir 2013-14 #2
26.03.2014 0320
After choir rehearsal and work (PCP readings ... damnit finally last tutorial tmr, good riddance!)
So tonight for some reason I feel much more spirited and less clogged up with depressing thoughts, absolutely no signs of complicated thoughts, uneasiness, or drifting off into a pool of muddy chaos.
My head is still heavy and to some extent, spinning. Been treating my body not too well lately, and as a result it has had enough of me and started producing cold symptoms. Nose has been stuffed up all day yesterday and today ... couldn't stop blowing noisily during PBL this morning (sorry...) and have had to pop my ears with the occasional cough. Took some of Yeung Wing's dextrochlorpheniramine pills (decongestants) and one of my old anti-inflammatory meds (lysozyme). Don't think my old Strepsils work too well (never trusted those buggers ...)
But ... anyway ... I feel as if work has been tapping me on the shoulder lately, I have put it off for too long, and Finals are fast approaching. I don't feel the doom that many of my classmates do ... yet ... but I know if I want to pass up into Year 3 next year I will have to work my ass off. Soon. Damnit.
Being busy with school is good. Takes my mind off things. Though those crazy accumulative thoughts I previously typed for Coach are still stuck at the bottom of my head. Just wanna crush it and kick it out of my brain. Stupid brain. Always thinking pessimistic thoughts not worth paying attention to, and not creating enough space for actually useful knowledge! Oh, the life of an introvert. >< Is that why I always tell people to be optimistic, tell them I'm optimistic ... but deep down the devil in my head keeps throwing pessimistic ideas around.
Anyway. So my beloved choir. Had a really good time tonight and thoroughly enjoyed myself. Yep even through my hazy voice and stuffy nose. Didn't expect those guys to be able to sing Praise His Holy Name through without major issues, as many of them said they hadn't looked at it since last rehearsal a week ago. But they did, and I had a lot of fun seeing them through the whole piece. Awesome :)
And a bit of a surprise, as it was only the previous night that Coach had started singing 讓生命圓滿 with CU Chorus. And after they posted it online ... I was mesmerised. The message was so strong it struck home immediately, and the simple yet effective melody and harmonies just moved me so much. Purely as a genuine heartfelt comment I told Coach that I loved it very much ... and very unexpectedly ... Coach said, if I would like RC to sing it for Farewell. Wow. I was so shocked at that moment, as I really had no intentions of going down this path when I first made that comment. But as you cannot really express such surprise in a Facebook chat ... our conversation extended and somehow I found myself convincing myself that indeed it would be quite lovely to cover this for Farewell as well. :') thank you Coach!
So all in all, a peaceful day. Feel so much better than a while ago ... perhaps it is because Coach keeps telling me spill so much ... I don't know how much is left in me that's unwilling to come out but still bugging me, but for now I do feel liberated. Why does he always (seem to) manage to do all the right things to pull me out of the mud I'm stuck in?! (haha, just thought of that childhood game "Stuck-In-The-Mud" ... basically a friend of the basic "Tag", but with a slight catch).
I only know that it is my greatest honour and blessing to have such an influential guide in my life. Indeed life is much happier with a good friend. :') just have this tiny gut feeling that I am still socially awkward -_-" and that i won't be able to do much about it in the near future ._.
stop. introverts are awesome too.
in their own way.
:)
After choir rehearsal and work (PCP readings ... damnit finally last tutorial tmr, good riddance!)
So tonight for some reason I feel much more spirited and less clogged up with depressing thoughts, absolutely no signs of complicated thoughts, uneasiness, or drifting off into a pool of muddy chaos.
My head is still heavy and to some extent, spinning. Been treating my body not too well lately, and as a result it has had enough of me and started producing cold symptoms. Nose has been stuffed up all day yesterday and today ... couldn't stop blowing noisily during PBL this morning (sorry...) and have had to pop my ears with the occasional cough. Took some of Yeung Wing's dextrochlorpheniramine pills (decongestants) and one of my old anti-inflammatory meds (lysozyme). Don't think my old Strepsils work too well (never trusted those buggers ...)
But ... anyway ... I feel as if work has been tapping me on the shoulder lately, I have put it off for too long, and Finals are fast approaching. I don't feel the doom that many of my classmates do ... yet ... but I know if I want to pass up into Year 3 next year I will have to work my ass off. Soon. Damnit.
Being busy with school is good. Takes my mind off things. Though those crazy accumulative thoughts I previously typed for Coach are still stuck at the bottom of my head. Just wanna crush it and kick it out of my brain. Stupid brain. Always thinking pessimistic thoughts not worth paying attention to, and not creating enough space for actually useful knowledge! Oh, the life of an introvert. >< Is that why I always tell people to be optimistic, tell them I'm optimistic ... but deep down the devil in my head keeps throwing pessimistic ideas around.
Anyway. So my beloved choir. Had a really good time tonight and thoroughly enjoyed myself. Yep even through my hazy voice and stuffy nose. Didn't expect those guys to be able to sing Praise His Holy Name through without major issues, as many of them said they hadn't looked at it since last rehearsal a week ago. But they did, and I had a lot of fun seeing them through the whole piece. Awesome :)
And a bit of a surprise, as it was only the previous night that Coach had started singing 讓生命圓滿 with CU Chorus. And after they posted it online ... I was mesmerised. The message was so strong it struck home immediately, and the simple yet effective melody and harmonies just moved me so much. Purely as a genuine heartfelt comment I told Coach that I loved it very much ... and very unexpectedly ... Coach said, if I would like RC to sing it for Farewell. Wow. I was so shocked at that moment, as I really had no intentions of going down this path when I first made that comment. But as you cannot really express such surprise in a Facebook chat ... our conversation extended and somehow I found myself convincing myself that indeed it would be quite lovely to cover this for Farewell as well. :') thank you Coach!
So all in all, a peaceful day. Feel so much better than a while ago ... perhaps it is because Coach keeps telling me spill so much ... I don't know how much is left in me that's unwilling to come out but still bugging me, but for now I do feel liberated. Why does he always (seem to) manage to do all the right things to pull me out of the mud I'm stuck in?! (haha, just thought of that childhood game "Stuck-In-The-Mud" ... basically a friend of the basic "Tag", but with a slight catch).
I only know that it is my greatest honour and blessing to have such an influential guide in my life. Indeed life is much happier with a good friend. :') just have this tiny gut feeling that I am still socially awkward -_-" and that i won't be able to do much about it in the near future ._.
stop. introverts are awesome too.
in their own way.
:)
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